A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married 20 years but it was never a very happy marriage. The issues releted to bad very infrequent sex. Discussed this with my wife many times but she did not change. She just did not care for me and was always more engrossed in her work, a lawyer by profession. We had one son who was very close to her. Twelve years ago she came down with Multiple Sclerosis, a slow progressive one.I became sexually and emotionally involved with a colleague six years ago, we love each other and want to be together all the time.Last year my wife confessed to a sexual affair with a friend a year before we got married. As she had always come across as a very shy and conservative woman I was shocked and we have been living separately since then.How should I go forward? Have i done something wrong?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): Mr.Anonymous can you please send me a PM?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): Bugs is obviously very familiar with the mentality of Indian men where other aunts from the West are not. So I don't want to comment on her "fightin' words". But I do find this most curious:"My apologies for stating that wife was a lawyer by profession - do not know how that typo slipped in. She was actually a school teacher."These "typos" do not simply "slip in". Forgive me for saying so, but the OP sounds like a very slippery eel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2008): "After reading your responses I had made up my mind to break the thread - you have your views I have mine - and it seems the two shall never meet - I only wish i could have come face to face with you - spoken for a few hours - conveyed what I cannot in a few lines - but please do not think for a moment that I would do so - or want to do so."
I am glad you do not want to do so as I wouldn't hesitate a moment to bash up anyone who invites me to spend a few hours with them even to talk.you don't have to justify yourself to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBugs,After reading your responses I had made up my mind to break the thread - you have your views I have mine - and it seems the two shall never meet - I only wish i could have come face to face with you - spoken for a few hours - conveyed what I cannot in a few lines - but please do not think for a moment that I would do so - or want to do so.Yes i agree with two points you have made a) women have different needs as compared to men b) we should have been divorced many years ago. My fault entirely.I also agree that the sympathy has to be with wife because she has a major major illness.Yes there I am not the Lord and neither wife Mother Mary - there was sex in the first few years of marriage - but again only when I initiated it. You are married - you would agree that the wife also needs to initiate sex or atleast a hug - believe me when i say that my wife NEVER did that - difficult to believe - but ever so true.I have been open about this with my family - and my son - they have seen what i have gone through and are totally supportive of what i am doing - surely someone should have said that what i am doing is wrong or incorrect - no one has.An MCP thinks that what males do is the best and women are door mats - I dont agree with your definition of an MCP as one who thinks he is always right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2008): I have been brought up in India.So a very sheltered upbringing.Heck my bro once bashed up a guy who tried to come close to me.
I am married now.So I can safely say in order to have kids you need to have sex.
Am telling you the background information so that you don't brush me off saying you wouldn't know anything about marriage.
Are you trying to say for the first 8 years there was no sex?Immaculate conception happened only with Mother Mary.If someone else claimed it I wouldn't believe it.
"Twelve years ago she came down with Multiple Sclerosis, a slow progressive one."
I researched the web about MS.Its deadly.If I was diagnosed with it my world would crumble.I would need "love" at that point not just costly treatments.I definitely wouldn't be interested in hitting the sack day and night with a husband.
"I became sexually and emotionally involved with a colleague six years ago, we love each other and want to be together all the time."
"Last year my wife confessed to a sexual affair with a friend a year before we got married. "
you started your affair 5 years before she confessed to you.Please don't give that as an excuse.you should have divorced her when you realized you weren't happy with her.you were muddling along.Suddenly someone comes in and you want a separation.I am young but not that stupid.
"1) Trust is paramount in marriage "
you broke the trust while you were married.she broke it before you guys got married.In my eyes you seem way much lower than her.
"2) Sex is only 1% of marriage but if it is 0% then it becomes 100%."
If for a man sex becomes 100% in a marriage,the marriage becomes 0% for a woman .Can't blame her if you were too dense to understand it.
"So much for the MCP that you make me out to be.".You are first in line for the badge.Sadly you don't seem to realize it.If you have lived an exemplary life that doesn't mean everyone else should either.If you think I don't honor virtue being an Indian woman, you are wrong.I do.I just don't expect everyone else to be like me.That's exactly what a MCP does.Thinks he is oh so perfect and expects everyone else to be like him.
" 99% of our tiffs were because of this."
Women are emotional beings.Men are Physical.If someone keeps pressurizing me for sex I would go off it for life.When you realized she was not that interested in sex you should have changed your tactics.You win and woo a woman over emotionally.Once emotionally she is yours she becomes a tigress in bed.you never won her over emotionally.That was the main reason your marriage failed.It was not the sex.
"The doctor did not call me again but has advised wife to learn to live alone."
The doctor did not call you again as she/he realized that there would be no use talking to you.You are the "am always in the right,everyone else are in the wrong" guy.She has advised your wife to live alone as the poor woman deserves to have some peace in her last years.
After reading your answers I keep wondering how did your wife stay on with you for 20 years.I firmly believe that you should go your own way.She deserves some happiness in her last years.I hope she takes you to the cleaners.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2008): I have been brought up in India.So a very sheltered upbringing.Heck my bro once bashed up a guy who tried to come close to me.
I am married now.So I can safely say in order to have kids you need to have sex.
Am telling you the background information so that you don't brush me off saying you wouldn't know anything about marriage.
Are you trying to say for the first 8 years there was no sex?Immaculate conception happened only with Mother Mary.If someone else claimed it I wouldn't believe it.
"Twelve years ago she came down with Multiple Sclerosis, a slow progressive one."
I researched the web about MS.Its deadly.If I was diagnosed with it my world would crumble.I would need "love" at that point not just costly treatments.I definitely wouldn't be interested in hitting the sack day and night with a husband.
"I became sexually and emotionally involved with a colleague six years ago, we love each other and want to be together all the time."
"Last year my wife confessed to a sexual affair with a friend a year before we got married. "
you started your affair 5 years before she confessed to you.Please don't give that as an excuse.you should have divorced her when you realized you weren't happy with her.you were muddling along.Suddenly someone comes in and you want a separation.I am young but not that stupid.
"1) Trust is paramount in marriage "
you broke the trust while you were married.she broke it before you guys got married.In my eyes you seem way much lower than her.
"2) Sex is only 1% of marriage but if it is 0% then it becomes 100%."
If for a man sex becomes 100% in a marriage,the marriage becomes 0% for a woman .Can't blame her if you were too dense to understand it.
"So much for the MCP that you make me out to be.".You are first in line for the badge.Sadly you don't seem to realize it.If you have lived an exemplary life that doesn't mean everyone else should either.If you think I don't honor virtue being an Indian woman, you are wrong.I do.I just don't expect everyone else to be like me.That's exactly what a MCP does.Thinks he is oh so perfect and expects everyone else to be like him.
" 99% of our tiffs were because of this."
Women are emotional beings.Men are Physical.If someone keeps pressurizing me for sex I would go off it for life.When you realized she was not that interested in sex you should have changed your tactics.You win and woo a woman over emotionally.Once emotionally she is yours she becomes a tigress in bed.you never won her over emotionally.That was the main reason your marriage failed.It was not the sex.
"The doctor did not call me again but has advised wife to learn to live alone."
The doctor did not call you again as she/he realized that there would be no use talking to you.You are the "am always in the right,everyone else are in the wrong" guy.She has advised your wife to live alone as the poor woman deserves to have some peace in her last years.
After reading your answers I keep wondering how did your wife stay on with you for 20 years.I firmly believe that you should go your own way.She deserves some happiness in her last years.I hope she takes you to the cleaners.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBugs, I hope you realise two things 1) Trust is paramount in marriage 2) Sex is only 1% of marriage but if it is 0% then it becomes 100%.
I do not treat women as you have said. I firmly believe that they have every right to do what men do. My thought before marriage was that my future wife had every right to do what I had done - go on dates, be friendly with guys but if i have refrained from something, and I honestly had, she too should have also restrained herself. So much for the MCP that you make me out to be.
My apologies for stating that wife was a lawyer by profession - do not know how that typo slipped in. She was actually a school teacher.
Without going into the merits of the case, please tell me what should I have done which I have not already done? You said I should have initiated petting, explaining the whole problem to her and build up over the week. I wish you knew how many times I have done this and how many promises were made by her, only to be broken because she was fast asleep. 99% of our tiffs were because of this.
What should i have done - paid for sex??????? That would have been worse, that is what I believe.
And please keep the illness out of the scope of discussion here - that was never the cause of our fights. i have done all that was possible - all treatment etc. But this is incurable.
There is so much to say - and yes she would also have a lot to say. Just one fact you should know - she talked at length with a doctor, told her everything. I was also called and told my side of the story. The doctor did not call me again but has advised wife to learn to live alone.
Does this tell you something?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): First and foremost don't ever call me Dear.you give me the creeps."Sleep was paramount or her schoolwork"??When on earth did anyone ever call Lawyer's work as schoolwork in India?Maybe your wife has a totally new story to tell.A person who cannot forgive a loved one's past is not worth the relationship.Oh so you would have broken the engagement?I agree that honesty was important.She was wrong in not to tell it to you.I can't really blame her as I know an Indian male's and an Indian Society's view on a girl who has lost her cherry.We have been oppressed,suppressed,kicked,bundled up.A guy who is committing adultery can give n number of reasons for his adultery.you waited twenty years?Anyone I repeat anyone even the stoniest of hearts can melt on true love.You didn't try enough.You just want to escape from her.you are giving all the reasons so that you can do so with out a guilty conscience.We Indians believe in Karma so much right?Remember Karma is a bitch.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Bugs,
Interesting-but then you do not know a few facts. Money was not an issue ever. Her entire salary was her saving, no spending, no gifts for me or for anyone else. Yes I did talk a lot about sex or the lack of it. Infact if I did not initiate sex or petting or even a wink at a party, there was none. Sleep was paramount or her school work.
I do not approve of relations outside marriage. But when the most important ingredient is absent what do i do? I waited twenty years and then got into a serious relationship.
Double standards is not apt here. I was totally honest about my girl friends, dating only an remember in the 80s, going to bed before marriage was a major issue. Her attitude is that if she had told me at that time then I may have broken the engagement. If that be true then why not now.
ny change in your opinion?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): You have both been living separate lives. All you need to do now is make your separation legal and get the divorce finalised. The damage was done years ago. Try to respect each other for your son sake.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): Talk about Double standards.I understand and agree she was not right in not telling you about an affair she had before marriage.But hey you are having an affair right now during your marriage.Have you told her about it.Does that sound fair to you.In India the office hours are long.We need to make sacrifices for our loved ones.Money is essential for food,shelter,clothes,education and so on.So she supported you by working for all these years.Yes the sex was infrequent.How many times did you initiate sex with her.how many times did you tell her she was sexy with out expecting her to jump in the bed with you.If men give compliments just before sex do you think the woman can turn into mush.Sex builds up slowly during the week.A glance,A pat on the back,A hug,A long French kiss,necking on the sofa while watching TV.How many times have you told her that you loved her.Have you ever helped her in house work.Now she is having Multiple sclerosis.This is the time you need to stand by her.Remember all the mantras you chanted during your marriage.They mean you will always stand by her,protect her and cherish her.During good times and the bad,in sickness and health,for richer or poorer are just not words.They are vows.Please don't give up on her.Remember her for making your meals,for supporting you financially,for growing your son so lovingly.A good marriage takes an effort from both the sides.Are you willing to do the right thing by her by being with her now when she needs you the most.
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reader, amybaby  +, writes (25 October 2008):
 You both are living apart for a reason, maybe you should sit down together and talk about your future, or lack of future. i think that cheating, even if you are forgiven/forgiven somebody else, there is always something in your mind, and you will never trust eachother deep down. i think maybe going your seperate ways is the best option, especially because you are in love with somebody else.good luck x
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