A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:What I am about to tell you is something that I have not admitted to ANYONE. I am so afraid of being judged.. I am about to pour my heart out, so please be honest but try not to be unkind. I met an older man. Let's call him Theo. I was attracted to him right away... he is handsome and classy, dresses nicely and is educated. He has been very successful. He is 30+ years older than me.... I am only 19. We were both eating lunch alone at a casual restaurant, and he came over to ask me about the book I was reading.. he was polite and respectful. He asked if he could sit with me, and I thought, "Why not?" We had a nice lunch... nothing put polite chit chat. The weird part was when the bill came. He put down a 100 and to cover the lunch and told me I could keep the change, since he had to run. He gave me his number, but I wasn't planning on contacting him. I had the feeling that he was flashing his $$$ as a way to lure me into a relationship with him... I have no problem with casual sex, but when money is involved it definitely pushes a boundary.After I lost my job (the place went out of business), I struggled financially. I couldn't find any work... I have narcolepsy and it's very debilitating. I get fired by people who don't understand why I am so sleepy, or people are hesitant to hire me because of liabilities and whatnot. My parents recently declared bankruptcy, and I would never ask them for help. It's been really really hard. I had to move out of my nice apartment and into a boarding house. I started selling my clothes... then I started stealing from the grocery store so I could eat. This was the first time I had ever stolen in my life. It was at this point that I called "Theo". We went out to dinner at the fanciest restaurant I have ever been to. At the end of the date he gave me an envelope and kissed me goodnight. After he drove off I opened it and it contained $300. He sent me an email a couple days later admitting that he is "unhappily" married but that he wanted to see me again.... After the third date he asked me to have sex with him and I said no, because I wanted to know him better first. To be completely honest, I never planned on sleeping with him but continued to take the money while making him believe that I eventually would. I know this is wrong, but at the time I didn't feel bad because I thought he deserved to be taken advantage of for trying to take advantage of MY situation and also for pursuing a sexual affair. (I know this is not right! I was justifying it for myself at the time because I was in denial and couldn't bear to think of myself as a liar and a mistress.)These dates continued to happen about once a week for the last two months. Recently he has asked me to meet him in a ritzy 5 star hotel to spend a weekend with him... we have never had sex. I am not naieve, I know he will give me A LOT of money if I go. But I told myself that I would never sleep with this man for money, no matter how desperate I am. This is against what I believe, this is where I draw the line. I am COMPLETELY aware that it is hypocritical of me to accept money and have an emotional relationship with this man... I know it's still an affair, but I draw the line at sex. I have recently been offered a job and I am so so so happy and relieved. Now I want to end this weird relationship with Theo, but I am afraid that he will be extremely angry. I have been away the past week visiting family, and have even thought about lying to him... saying that a family member is sick and that I will be staying home longer to be around them. I know this is wrong, I owe him an explanation... but I am afraid and honestly I don't ever want to see him again. Ever. But if I ignore him, I am worried he will do something extreme, even though I think it goes against his personality. He knows where I live too, so that's another thing. I don't want anyone in my life to ever know about this. I want to forget this ever happened. How do I end things with this man? How do I try to lead a normal life after putting myself through this? I have so much guilt. I know some of you might call me a whore, or a liar or think that I am a terrible person-- but you don't know how terrible I feel about what I've done. I'm a good person at heart... after knowing what it's like to be broke and hungry, I gave a lot of the money Theo gave me to homeless people who live near my new work place. I truly only did this out of need. I am sorry this is so long, but I am an emotional mess and I don't know what to do.
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affair, bankrupt, liar, married man, mistress, money, older man Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your advice. I really appreciate it, especially since I can't talk to any of my family or friends about this.
I wanted to clarify that this man is not interested in me romantically, and I never made him think that I was interested in him that way either. For him, I think this relationship was an exchange of money for "arm candy", I know that sounds bad but the only thing he ever complimented me on was my looks and youth and that's why I think this. So I don't think he will be heartbroken about this, he will just be frustrated and angry that I don't want to sleep with him after all this time.
You are right, I cannot avoid this. I got myself into this relationship knowing the consequences, so I will be responsible and deal with it.. I will send him an email explaining everything and if he insists on meeting me to discuss it I'll agree to it, but I'll make sure it's a public place so I know I'll be safe.
Thank you so much again for your advice and kind words, I've learned an important lesson and I'll never forget it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): I have been in the position where I was used by someone for money, and the worst part for me was that this person didn;t even have the decency to confront me himself, instead he ran away and that made the whole situation harder for me. Unlike the man who I was unfortunate to know, you have been in this situation in order to survive, and I believe that you are truly remorseful for the situation, so your not a bad person. I suggest that you confront him and tell him that you no longer want to be in this situation as you feel guilty because he is married and you cannot do this anymore. You don;t owe him anything, but I believe that you will respect yourself more if you confront him. Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): Stop beating yourself up about this. You did what you did to survive,you didnt sell your body either. None of us can say hand on heart, what we would do to survive when at rock bottom..This man gave you the money cos he wanted to, you didnt hold a gun to his head. He is married and was trying to buy you and your time and body. Hes probably done it before and it says more about his character than you realise.I am really pleased to hear you have a job now, hopefully you can put this behind you. I dont know if he has your address but anyway, email him,tell him its over, you don't have to be nasty,just concise and polite,explain its run its course,gone as far as it canGood luck x
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (2 January 2012):
 You say you were attracted to him - if money wasn't involved, would you have slept with this man of your own accord?
You appear to be in a difficult position, though. If you want to end it, it's best to confront it and get it out of your system. He will, of course, be angry at being used, but there's little you can do about it beyond being completely honest. If it makes you feel better, see if you can work out a way to repay the money.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): I think the best thing to do is to tell him you don't want to see him anymore because it's wrong and that you gave all or most of the money away to charity. Take someone with you if you're worried about him getting angry or trying to hurt you, that way you have a witness. You don't owe him anything. Use this as a lesson not to involve yourself in something like this again. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, babygirllovej  +, writes (2 January 2012):
 Honey,
You are be too hard on yourself. Life is hard and when your at the point of starving and selling your clothes then I applaud you for getting through!
You do not have sex with this men so carry no guilt. Though it concerns me that he gives you money randomly like that...
I can understand why you are nervous of him getting mad. Is there someone you can stay with for a while? I would tell him gently that you feel too guilty meeting up with him while he is still married.
Don't let him guilt you into thinking you owe him or you have to repay him because he gave you money. If he won't leave you alone involve the police!
Take care and if you ever need anyone to talk to don't hesitate to message me!
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