A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have a fantastic sex life. We are very comfortable with each other, and we communicate very well. He is a very generous lover, as am I, and I feel like we're both spoiled! The problem is, we recently had an argument where the number of guys I've slept with in the past was brought up, and he revealed a massive amount of insecurities to me. He thinks his penis is tiny (and really, what guy doesn't? You guys need to stop that!), that he's horrible in bed, and that I'm unsatisfied because he doesn't last very long. He then went on to tell me that there's no way he could believe I enjoyed sex with him, as none of his past girlfriends have really made it seem like they did, and I must wish I could get it like I used to from some of my old boyfriends.This really hurt me as it is first and foremost the furthest thing from the truth. He is the first man who has been able to get me to orgasm from sex, and the first I've been comfortable enough to do it fully naked with all the time. He makes me feel beautiful and amazing! While it is true that he doesn't last quite as long as I would like him to, usually this isn't an issue because he always lets me come first. However, sometimes it takes longer for me and I get frustrated because it will be over before I can get to that point.I see this as nothing for him to be ashamed or embarrassed about because it is relatively common, and I would never, EVER want to make him feel badly about it. When he asks if it is something that bothers me, I always tell him it's not, but the truth is, sometimes it does bother me. Any advice on how to really, really gently tell him how I feel? I know there are all sorts of ways to last longer, but I really don't feel comfortable yelling "THINK OF YOUR GRANDMA!!" whenever he's about to come. Has anyone else here dealt with this problem, and found a solution that worked for both parties? I really want him to feel confident in the bedroom, as he has every reason to. I'm just so afraid to ruin the progress he's made with his confidence by being honest about my frustration, but if I never say anything, he'll never know! :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the first anonymous: I'm 25, he's 30. We've done that before, once or twice, and the outcome was the same. Thank you for your advice, though! Maybe we'll try giving it another go. To the second anonymous: I disagree. While I see your point, I don't think it's fair to say that because I've had more partners than my boyfriend, I somehow value the sex we have together less than he does. You're right in thinking sex has been a bigger deal to him than it was for me in the past, but after reading my post, I would think that it's clear that I'm having an entirely different experience with this man. So I can safely say, in all honesty, that I can declare what I said to be the case. I don't feel there are upsides or downsides that come with his sexual history. To be honest, I haven't asked for his number as I don't feel it is something I need to know. I assume it is lesser than mine, and his reaction proves that it is, but I don't know for sure. I know we both came into this relationship STD-free, and for me, that's all I'm interested in knowing. The only downside I can see for me is how I may be viewed by other people. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed; I made the choice to sleep with them, and I'm not one for regrets.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): "I may think of sex differetly than he does, but it does not mean what we do means any less to me than it does to him."
I'm sorry but I don't think you can declare that to be the case. Maybe you want that to be the case, maybe it is, but maybe not. When someone has always been choosier about doing something then its just common sense that it is a bigger deal to them when they decide to do it.
I know that past sex lives are a sticking point in many relationships with few solutions. But that does not mean people should override common sense in order to make one viewpoint more defensible than another.
Every choice has upsides and downsides. I'm sure you can readily list some upsides to your choice to have more past sex than him. And I am sure you can easily think of some downsides to your BF's lesser sex history. So can you really not accept that there are downsides to your choice too?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2012): this guy is young, I assume, around your age?
if so, usually you can get him to last longer by doing a "double-tap".
first, you give him a quick one...then the real lovemaking can commence, while he works on you for however long it takes...then, you bring him to orgasm again, slower this time but he will get there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous, 1. You are completely right, but it bothers me very rarely as the quality of the sex is always quite good. We've had talks and I've told him that there are times I'd wish that he'd last longer, but that usually it's not an issue for me (and that's the truth). 2. I know how it made him feel, and it's also something we've talked about... at length. Very uncomfortable length! He said himself that it brought up insecurities he's always had, so I didn't label them as that - he did. A moral difference? Perhaps, but I have always been completely honest with him, and he knows where I stand. I may think of sex differently than he does, but it doesn't mean what we do means any less to me than it does to him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): 1. Do you know what's worse than feeling inadequate? Feeling and inadequate and patronized. If it is obvious than he's not lasting long enough sometimes, then don't keep trying to lie to him about it bothering you during those times. 2. If your number of past lovers bothers him, don't assume there is nothing more to it than insecurities. There are lots of reasons for people to have negative feelings about their partner's past, particularly men. Sometimes it's just insecurity, but very often it is deeper things that women brush off as insecurity because they don't understand or relate to the other parts of it. There may be a moral difference between you and your BF that would still be there even if he was completely confident about being a good lover to you.
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