A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:First I'll tell you about my husband - he is a wonderful husband and father. He goes above and beyond to ensure that our family is properly taken care of. He is trusting. He is not controlling, abusive or demanding. He absolutely loves me and adores our two children. It all started about nine years ago. I bacame friends with a man in the workplace. In our profession, we work long hours, often overnight, in hazardous high stress situations. This man and I were merely friends. I met my husband and we married quickly. We were young and he swept me off my feet. The "friend" quickly became a mutual frined of ours, to the point that my husband and him ofter referred to each other as "best friends". The "friend" began dating a mutual friend of ours. It all seemed to fit like a golve. The four of us were inseperable. My husband and I started a family. We have two wonderful children. Shorlty after the birth of our youngest child, the "friend" and I started spending more time alone. With our work schedules, it was very easy to spend entire days together. Our significant others knew about it and never seemed to have a problem. Then, that amazing day happened. My "friend" and I were once again alone and began kissing. There was no sex involved. After that day, I could not get him out of my mind. We continued to spend time together, as couples. My husband and I saw them on a almost daily basis. Needless to say, I developed a close friendship with my "friends" girlfriend. As to be expected, my "friend" and I eventually ended up making love. It was the most amazing, harmonious thing I have ever experienced in my entire life. After that we were hooked. We would meet up, sometimes three or four times a day for these sessions. Each time it got better and better. We should have seen the writting on the wall - we had such a great friendship for years and then became sexually involved, of course it didn't take much time for us to fall in love. This affair continued for about three years. His girlfriend started to complain about the time we were spending together. In the beginning she was very understanding because she knew that him and I had been great friends for several years. Then that one night, with too much alcohol invovled, my "friend" started the fight with his girlfriend. They broke up, I think she knew but never said anything. That was eye-opening for me and I decided that I needed to stop being selfish and work on my marrige. I quickly began to limit the time that my husband and I spent with my "friend" because I knew that the temptation needed to be removed. My "friend" and I did not talk for one year. Him and his girlfriend worked out their problems and got back together, although, she still remains suspicious of me to this day. I talked to my friend about three weeks ago. It started out as innocent but quickly went back to the old days. After talking to him several times now I have started to realize how much I miss him and our "friendship". I need some advice as to how to handle this. We have been talking about meeting up to catch up but I'm positive it will lead to an absolutely explosive afternoon of love making and then we will be right back where we started. One other thing that complicates this - I found out that my husband cheated on me, only once, with my friend's girlfriend early on in our marrige. It was before she started dating my friend. I know that this has nothing to do with my initial actions because I did not find out about it until recently. Will somebody please help me - I'm desperate!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (12 October 2008):
 So what do you want? Be married, or be free? Marriage has to include limitations. I can't even begin to tell you how many people I talk to who are in abusive situations. They would feel blessed everyday to be involved with someone like your husband. To them, right now, what you have with your husband is only a fantasy they hide behind fear and tears.
You not only have a wonderful marriage, you want more? Your right when you said you're being selfish. I'm a parent also. I love my kids so much, I only take part in behaviors I can openly discuss with them. You found out about his affair, which doesn't justify yours. Remember each action from each person is separate.
I believe you need to come clean with your husband. There's a chance for forgiveness, or a chance of everything falling apart. Either way, he deserves for you to come clean, then healing the marriage can begin. Until you do, you're living in deceit. You chose the affair, now you need to give him the right to choose his future.
Also, if you work on the marriage, cutting all ties with this friend who may be reason for you to violate your marriage is important.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2008): Thanks for the advice everyone. I know what I need to do it's just a matter of doing it. My children are the most important factor in this equation and I would not take away their stability for anything. I am going to talk to my friend and tell him that we can no longer have contact with one another. If the temptation is removed, I think it will be easier to put all of this behind us and move on.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 October 2008):
So what do you want? Be married, or be free? Marriage has to include limitations. I can't even begin to tell you how many people I talk to who are in abusive situations. They would feel blessed everyday to be involved with someone like your husband. To them, right now, what you have with your husband is only a fantasy they hide behind fear and tears.
You not only have a wonderful marriage, you want more? Your right when you said you're being selfish. I'm a parent also. I love my kids so much, I only take part in behaviors I can openly discuss with them. You found out about his affair, which doesn't justify yours. Remember each action from each person is separate.
I believe you need to come clean with your husband. There's a chance for forgiveness, or a chance of everything falling apart. Either way, he deserves for you to come clean, then healing the marriage can begin. Until you do, you're living in deceit. You chose the affair, now you need to give him the right to choose his future.
Also, if you work on the marriage, cutting all ties with this friend who may be reason for you to violate your marriage is important.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2008): You have to decide if you want this guy or your husband. Think about what your giving up, you have a family. How did you find about about his affair? With all the time you've spent with this guy, I am sure your husband suspected some hanky panky has gone on with you and your friend. Sounds to me your just bored and want exitement. Your friend is all too eager to give you the lustful experience of something different. The friend has to go. Seldom do those type relationships work anyway. Yea, the sex is good for now. You need to reconnect with your family and forget this guy. You do have a lot to loose. You both are guilty, so put it away, all of it, and move forward in your marriage.
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (11 October 2008):
 Sweety I think you need to work on your marriage. Both you and your husband have done the dirty. Try wiping the slate clean, talk to your husband, get counsling spend time with him to ignite passion back into your relationship so that no amount of temptation will lead you astray again.
If after all your trying you and your husband fail to have that love that keeps both of you from seeking away from home you may want to look into divorce. Why spend time with someone who you aren't going to be 100% dedicated to? It isn't fair to you or your husband.
Your "friend" should be the last thought on your mind and you should make it clear to him you are married and you are working on your marriage. Ask him to respect that and your marriage.
I can only say that once you and your husband have figured out where you guys are could you ever know where you guys are headed. It may be together it may be in seperate paths, but if you do not try 100% you have half assed it and you owe it to him and yourself to be better than that.
Good Luck
HonningKanin
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2008): vow!! all this seems like a movie to me..but don't get me wrong...it is really complicated. You are happy with your husband but you love your friend also. You don't seem to mind your husband cheating because you've been doing it yourself for years. I think you should get a divorce, get together with the friend and then your husband should get together with your friend's girlfriend and you sould stop being friends as couples anymore.But all this will be really hard on your kids.And if you are willing to sacrifice your happiness for your kids, then change your job and stop being friends with the other couple.This decision will be hard on you but you will eventually come to terms with it with time as you got a loving husband and perfect family.
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