A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey all, I've been dealing with this problem for a very long time and I would like some advice. This is going to be really long but I'm in desperate need for advice asap. Thank you all.I am 18 years old and my parents have been divorced since I was 3. Throughout most of my teenage life, I have had a terrible relationship with both of my parents, and I don't see anyway I can fix this.When I was a kid my mother got into an abusive relationship with a guy who physically and verbally abused the both of us. Later on my mother literally acted like she didn't care about me at all anymore and picked her boyfriend over me because her boyfriend hated me and wanted me gone. I was later forced to go live with my father.For the past few years my mother has been addicted to drugs - it's really bad. She has stolen money and items from me, threatened me, says horrible things to me sometimes, and a lot of other stuff. It has been so hard to have a healthy relationship with her. I have tried to get her to go get help and she refuses. I don't know what else to do. Me and her barely even talk anymore.Now my dad is not as bad, but it can get pretty bad sometimes. He has a very bad anger problem to the point of screaming, throwing things around, slamming things, cursing and hitting things, and has also said mean things to me while he has been angry. The simplest things will set him off. These anger episodes are almost every day. I try to stay out of his way and not talk to him and avoid going out with him because he gets like this in public too.What I'm trying to get at is that these problems really hurt me. When I was younger I adored my parents and loved them so much. I still love my parents of course, but it's like I have no relationship with them at all anymore, and the relationship I do have with them is definitely unhealthy. I never thought my life would turn out like this. Having a close relationship with my parents has always been such an important thing to me. I no longer know how to deal with this. I'm hurt and confused. If anyone has anything to say please feel free to do so.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2013): Hello!
While reading your dilemma I can just imagine how you feel, I really do feel sorry for you. Like I can feel your agony too much.
If there's anything which is really unfortunate in this world, its having parents whom you can't count on, or rejects you. I feel grateful to God for giving me the best dad in the world.
Sure his not perfect but his not like your father.
But Listen its not your fault. I can sense how this traumatic event molded you as a mature young adult.
At a very young age, you understand your parents, you try your best in helping your mom with her drug addiction instead of hating her.
Sometimes God will give us needles and pins on our way to the top, for us to become a strong and a better person.
Don't give up. Try to make changes in your life that would help you become better in everything and in anything you do. I suggest for you to concentrate on things that will encourage you to study or work. or something else.
As per your dad, He will change one day. Maybe not now, not tomorrow but he will, SOON. Remember, After the rain, there comes the rainbow.
Ask help from someone who will care, like a trusted person whom you look up to or someone you know who can really help. Or Any non profit organization who help young adults like you.
Try your very best to stay away from things that will just make you bad. Someday, you will have your own family, and when you do, you can make your own story.
Try your very best to make that story different from what you have today. Learned from history.
Most of all Pray to God. Anything impossible is possible with God. Happy thanksgiving and God Bless you!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 November 2013):
 Of course you are hurt, dear child. You've got every reason of being hurt- because you actually have been badly hurt.
I think what may compound your hurt is ... expectations.
We all grow up with this assumptions ( in part coming from our own basic, biological need to be nurtured and protected, in part taken from / reinforced by hearsay, books, TV, movies, school ) that a family must necessarily be something warm and wonderful, and parents are necessarily loving and caring ad unselfish.
It ain't necessarily so. Parents are people, and there's healthy people and sick people. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone who's mentally / emotionally sick.
Your mother is a sick woman, she is a drug addict. Drug addiction at some level that your mother seem to have reached ,destroys the texture , the very core of human relationships. It's not that a drug adict mother does not feel somewhere deep down a love feeling, just she is not capable to translate this feeling in the consequent actions, because all her energy is focused on managing/feeding her addiction.
I think the most you can do is try to be generous and forgive her . Same as you'd forgive a mother who's not been present in your life because in a coma or bedridden in hospital for years .
Yeah it still sucks , but at least you know- you MUST know- it's not about you. It's not because you weren't/ aren't worthy of being appreciated, defended, nurtured . It's just because you have been unlucky and you ended up with a ( pardon me ) shitty parent. Which does not make you a shitty person.
Your father seems more manageable, at least in social terms. There's a high level of acceptance in ( certain ) society for behaviours like his, being a " hothead " or " having a bad temper " is not even seen as a problem, just a normal personality trait. Which of course makes exponentially more difficult to convince this people that yes they do have a problem, they are fucking up their own and other people's life, and they need counseling/ therapy.
So, what can you do ?...
Well, at some point most of us have to decide to become our own parents, to give ourselves the whatever for any reason has been missing from childhood ( affection, support, attention , validation etc. ) Lots of people , even in much less dramatic contexts than yours, feel that they have not been loved enough, or, actually, that they have been loved, but not in the way and manners that would have benefit them more or made them happier. Shrinks would be on the dole, if it wasn't so.
You have to accept that you can't suck at 50 the breast milk you haven't been fed as an infant, so to speak. The past is past, it may have hurt you , it may have influenced you and angered and saddened and even shaped you in the person you are now, but- it's past, game over.
You'll have to find other ways , from other people, to get the love you want. No point in knocking on doors that never opened for you before. Which does not mean that other doors won't open up for you.
Real families are families from the heart, you know ? Not just people you have been thron together with by a whim of fate. You can create and cultivate healthy, fulfilling relationships with your partner(s), your own future children. Your friends ,your colleagues, your community. Or even just the people who share with you a certain passion. I think that your true family pertains to spirit, not to the happenstance of biology. And that's not even a bad thing or a second best. You can have a family of people you choose and are chosen by, rather than just one you got stuck with. Choice is always a wonderful, empowering thing :).
And you can remember to be your own parent, and to give yourself the kindness, patience, appreciation and nurture you have been denied by your parents' ignorance and personal demons. Because without any doubt, you are worthy of all that - and that they weren't able to see it, it's sadly their own great loss.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (28 November 2013):
 I’m sorry your parents have fallen down on the job so badly. Society tells us that we should expect a Norman Rockwell family, when the reality all too often falls short. That can leave us badly conflicted – we’re supposed to love and cherish our parents, but sometimes they simply are not worthy.
If your mother has addiction issues, know that only she can help herself. Addicts as a rule only turn around when they hit rock bottom – and rock bottom only tends to happen after they’ve destroyed all their relationships. Have you spoken to Alanon?
http://www.al-anon.org/
This is an organization designed to help the families of addicts.
As for your father, his anger issues may improve as he ages. That’s of no help to you now, of course, but again unless he recognizes that he has a problem and seeks counselling / anger management, only time will help. All you can do in the meantime is get on with your adult life.
Are you in school? Most universities will have student aid centers that can offer free or low-cost counselling. You would benefit from that. You say, “I have had a terrible relationship with both of my parents,” but it’s not your fault. If counselling can help you come to terms with the fact that it’s your parents’ shortcomings that has gotten in the way of your relationship, that will be a wonderful start.
Move on with your life, establish yourself as an independent adult. In the future you decide how much contact to have with them. Once your father sees you as an adult he may be open to an honest conversation about your issues. The fact that you don’t have a good relationship today does not by any means dictate that you can’t have a much better one in the future.
In the meantime, don’t stress about this. It’s fine to be sad about it and to work with them in the future to the extend you and they are able. But it’s not your fault.
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