A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've known my boyfriend for seven years, been in a relationship for one year. We have never had an argument and he is a total gentlemen. It feels as though we were made specifically for each other and, while I've never told him, I do hope he asks me to marry him one day... He has never done anything to make me distrust him.However, I always am scared that secretly he is talking to other girls although I SERIOUSLY doubt he would do that. It's always been an irrational fear of mine with any guy I've been with, and it was only made worse when someone I was dating did go behind my back and talk to another girl (who he ended up marrying) after he told me how special I was. My fear is so bad that I get suspicious if he's on Facebook but isn't messaging me. I know this isn't right, and I'm scared it will make me do something dumb or hurt him (emotionally).I guess I'm just scared this will happen again and, because of how much I love my bf, how devastating it would be. Anyone have advice? How can I get over this fear?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2014): This could be written by me.I got extremely traumatized by my first boyfriend (cheating was by far the least serious thing he did to me but I digress), and this made me think just like you.When my current boyfriend is online, he talks to me then dissapears for a bit. I know he's playing his online games, but I constantly think "what if he's talking with his gorgeous female friends?!"I've once came across his facebook chat history. Male friend talking about games, male friend talking about tv, female friend saying their teacher asked them to go discuss their paper. Nothing remotelly suspicious. And here I am, freakingnout every time.I know for sure that he'd never cheat on me, but hey.. I know exactly how you feel :-) i'll keep you company and read other aunts' advices!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2014): I'm going to give you food for thought. You can do with it as you please.
If you have irrational fears, you're not ready for marriage; nor any kind of relationship. You have to recover from your previous emotional-trauma before wasting someone's time. You have to be completely over the last person, before you find someone else. That's a fact, I didn't just pull that out of my butt.
You need to deal with your insecurities and abandonment/trust-issues; before you commit to someone as their friend/girlfriend/wife. When you agree to be someone's girlfriend; you are asking them to "trust you" to be faithful and monogamous. That's your promise to be fair, and you will trust them in return. You will make every effort humanly possible to earn their trust and keep it.
His trust is misplaced; because you came to him with leftover issues from some other guy. You mislead him to believe you were ready and able to offer him the best of you.
Now he has to bear the distrust you have; while trusting you not to flip-out and give him grief for something you "fear" he may do. Not something you have concrete-evidence that he has done, or even reasonable clues to create suspicion. Just fear. An absolute "maybe!!!"
People are not ready to have relationships; when they bring their problems leftover from other people into new relationships.
People with emotional-issues and insecurities are not ready for relationships period. I had to learn these things through trial and error over the years. I know now. Now I'm passing it on to you; because you were smart enough to seek answers. You are going to be a good pupil. You sought help before screwing things up. You really care for this guy. You just don't "trust" yourself not to f*ck-it-up! You've come to the right place. You can trust yourself. Once bitten twice shy, is the saying. When it becomes an obsession; then you're pushing the envelope. You're likely to do something you'll regret. This is a preventive measure.
Very very wise of you, my dear!
You have to "teach" your mind to settle-down. We all have the same fears. The heart is fragile. So your fear is not totally irrational. The cheating is just too fresh in your subconscious mind. You have work to do. You have to purge it, with the other guy. He's gone. You're starting over.
This is a different guy, a different time, and he thinks he has a great lady whom he can "trust" to believe he is living up to his commitment to her. You've known him seven years, and had a whole year to test his loyalties and devotion. He's no stranger.
Being born male is not a curse. I defy anyone to make it so.
He would be foolish to go into a contract like marriage, with someone who has "irrational fears." His life will be hell. So will yours.
Now put yourself in his place.
When you're falsely-accused or suspected of a crime without evidence; or even under unreasonable suspicion. You might as well do the crime; if you've already been tried and convicted. Now arbitrarily suffering the consequences; based on fear. Not what you've actually done.
I've said all this; because you will snoop on his phone, go through his private records, exhibit inappropriate behavior, and overreact to any communication he has with anyone you think is: "as pretty, or prettier than you." Thus, you will become an emotional-burden on your relationship; and any future relationships. I can predict that there will be "future relationships," if this keeps up.
INSECURITY KILLS RELATIONSHIPS!!!!!!!
For me as a guy, that is a deal-breaker. I wouldn't waste my time and feelings on someone like that. I would advise people reading these comments against it. You included.
Human beings are able to reason, communicate their feelings, and decide their own fate. We don't act on pure instinct, we think. Unless we have a mental-disorder that obstructs our usual thought processes, we have "self-control." It doesn't mean we don't feel or react when the occasion calls for it; it means we don't let "fear or doubt" control us. We control our fears. We don't just act on our impulses, we have restraint and values.
You have doubt there is such a thing as a male who doesn't cheat.
Does it follow that all women can control themselves and they don't?
Both these statements make no sense, and they are bold-faced lies!!!
It takes practice. You have to place your trust somewhere.
You don't remove it; unless it is violated. You dole out tiny bits until it is fully-earned. You don't make people labor and slave for your trust; while withholding it just in-case something happens. The time would be better spent with someone without these issues.
He shouldn't waste his trust on someone incapable of reciprocating that trust. That is your betrayal. Pretending to offer him trust; if you don't really have it. In the meantime, he's taking all the emotional risks in the relationship. Just waiting for you to flake-out. Then all that trust was misplaced from the point he decided to give up all other women.
Excuse me. Men can be faithful. All women are not faithful.
It's the general misconception that consistently gets passed on by many women. You can't guarantee some guy might not come along and stir feelings in you unexpectedly. The temptation is put before everyone and anyone. Regardless of gender, or sexual-orientation. You never know for sure how you will handle it, until the day comes.
A relationship is not sitting around waiting for someone to hurt you, or f*ck-up. There is a philosophical rule called "self-fulfilling prophecy." This is when you'll sabotage the relationship just to get it over-with; feeling pessimistically that it will end in tragedy anyway. It happened before; so it will always happen. Yes, that is irrational thinking.
Your suspicious thoughts and fears will overwhelm you, and you will openly accuse him or mistreat him. You can't hide it, because you want him to know you don't trust him. So you will create an intolerable environment within your household, that will drive him out.
You'll get on his nerves, until he may decide he might as well do it. He also has the option to just dump you, and move on to someone worthy of his trust, love, and affection.
You may read a lot of posts from OP's like yourself, projecting their fears onto their partners; based on what other people have done to them. You surely would not appreciate your partner dubbing you responsible for every transgression made against him by other women. In fact, it's an insult to be a victim of someone's unfounded fear that you'll cheat. As if he is no better than your last mistake. Anyone is capable of a mistake. Everyone!
There are no guarantees in life. When we commit ourselves to people, both parties bonded within that relationship run the risk of all sorts of things that could result in their pain and sorrow. There are challenges to your commitment that you must face along the way. You can handle them wisely, or foolishly.
Being betrayed is certainly traumatic; but when you can't get-over something that was done to you, don't drop your baggage at the next person's doorstep. They don't deserve that. I can surely tell you, that's not what they want from you; and no one is going to put up with it.
It isn't fair. You're human, and capable of doing the same things to another person that you fear can be done to you.
So you suppress the fears. You control them based on his treatment, and in exchange for the trust you receive.
Don't go looking for trouble. Don't go creating it, either.
Now read all that, and think about it. I want to help you save your relationship; or benefit from our advice come future relationships, if you don't pay attention this time.
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (15 July 2014):
 You suffer from paranoia. Check out this article and see if any of these apply to you-
http://m.wikihow.com/Avoid-Suspicion-and-Paranoia
I've found that it's rooted largely in insecurity when the partner has never given reason to be mistrusted. Do you ever ask him who he's talking to when you notice him on Facebook? Do you keep all of these paranoid thoughts in your head?
I don't recommend badgering him with questions or checking up on him, but you should tell him this is something you are struggling with. Keeping it in isn't helping you, it actually fuels the fears and makes you feel down on yourself, perpetuating the cycle of insecurity and feeling more paranoid. Tell him it's an illogical fear, that you know he isn't a liar or cheater, but give him some things that could help you. Sometimes all it takes is being able to openly talk to him and say "I'm feeling scared today, can you reassure me everything is okay?"
Again I don't recommend you bombard him with this all the time. Have another outlet, either writing or someone else to talk to (maybe a therapist). Sometimes saying your fears out loud can help you to realize how illogical it is. Once you recognize what the problem is and the root of it, you can begin to work on it.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (15 July 2014):
 If your B/f hasn't given you any reason to doubt him, then don't waste your time doing so because you're just making your life miserable thinking of scenarios that don't really exist. You have already wasted so much time assuming the worst when you could be happily leading a nice life that many would covet. You have a boyfriend who loves you and cares for you...you should cherish that and appreciate that.
Just because you got cheated on in the past doesn't mean that it's going to happen to you again. Its very unfair to your boyfriend if you think of him in this way and project someone's else's negativity and your own fears on to him. You will just end up pushing him away if you continue in this vein.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (15 July 2014):
 Try this; Look up the word irrational and you'll determine that if you were looking at it rationally..everything would be just fine and you could relax. Unless of course you just like torturing yourself, in which case you need proffessional help.
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