A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hello to all,I am so crazy right now. I am so in love with my wife and 2 kids but my insides still have desire for men. I told my wife before we got married that I had past relationships with men but never really felt like it was the right thing...for me... to be doing. I have been married for almost 18 years and know that my wife is not in a relationship that she could be in, meaning our sex life is not what I would call normal. My desire level would have me fine with sex once every 2 months,,and her desire level is much more. So lost now and not sure what to do. She has been lately asking me the question what is wrong...is there a reason that I am not desring her as much as I should. To me I think she totally knows but is trying to get me to talk about my inner feelings but all I do is clam up....I really dont know what to do or even write now..I am just lost.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2008): Will do. I have 40,000 different dialogues running in my head. I know for sure that it is not time to clam up any longer. My beautiful kids stay at the top of my mind as I type this. Thanks for the support and the drive to go for the truth.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 September 2008):
 Good luck with this difficult discussion that lies ahead of you. You are doing the right thing by being honest, you know. Let us know how it goes if you can.
Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): I have a lot of thinking to do but I do see a particular thread throughout all of the replies. I will need to let her know, I consider myself a bit of a wimp but will muster up the strength to let her know how I have been feeling. I thank you all for your replies. This will be a tough time and I dont know what might happen but it is and has been time to man up. Emotions are flowing like crazy right now especially since we were able to be intimate last night. I asked her how did she feel about our intimate time last night and she said she feels a bit stupid since she does not want to get on a "roller coaster' ride with me anymore. As far as being on the down low I can say that I have not put her in any type of situation where I would bring anything home to her (thank goodness) for I know I would be on the doorstep as quick as you could say get out. You all are the best and I am so glad I found this site yesterday. I am preparing to go out of town in a few minutes and will be back on Friday night. This will be the weekend of truth.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 September 2008):
Hi, you do realize that you have to be honest with your wife. If you no longer can be sexually intimate with her in the way that you implicitly promised when you married her, you owe it to her to let her know why. You are not the first man who thought he could bury his homosexuality through marriage, but has it surface as he gets older and he just can't keep up the facade.
The thing about telling your wife, she did have some knowledge of your past relationships, so it won't come completely out of the blue. That, combined with your obvious lack of enthusiasm for sex with her, no doubt has her thinking about what's going on with you.
Again, it is only honest to let her know what she's in for in terms of lack of sex with the man she loves. It's only fair to give her the information and thus the option of deciding that she might want a full relationship with someone else.
One thing, I hope you have NOT been out on the down low, if you are, you are exposing your wife to STDs and HIV without her knowledge and consent, and this would be reprehensible. So if you are, knock it off until you've come clean with her.
Here's a resource you're going to want to give to her when you do tell her; it'll be useful reading for you too, as there are links to support groups for both of you.
www.straightspouse.org.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (1 September 2008):
Well if you are bi-sexual and you wife knew about that when you married then she may understand. You just have to take a deep breath and tell her you have been thinking about men in a sexual way a lot.
Tell her that you love her and the kids but can't get over these desires. Talk about how you feel and then find out how SHE feels about this. Is it the end of the world for her? Or is she not-surprised and glad you are finally talking to her about it?
If she is unhappy with her sex life and is open minded then you might be able to suggest an open marriage. You can go off and have a couple of dalliances and so can she.
Or you could even go swinging together so you know the other person is safe and happy.
Your kids need never know and you can both get what you want while remaining a happy parental team.
Once they are old enough to understand then you can think about what you want to do long term - whether you stay together or not.
Talk about it and keep your options open. The hardest thing will be taking that deep breath and telling her about what is in your head.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (1 September 2008):
 Hi,
Well I dont think you should live the rest of your life a lie, because we only get one.
Having said that, how you handle this so you hurt the least that you possibly can is going to be really difficult.
Your wife knows your past, so she will have dealt with the fact you could be gay long ago. So I think that the kindest thing you could say is, that you are having those feelings again. To be honest without digging the knife in, would be the best way forward. She will be upset and very hurt of course, but it doesnt mean that you have to break up the home.
I know that it sounds mad, but when faced with the thought of losing a person completely, you can come to terms with some kind of a compromise (after all this is a very unusual sittiation). Maybe you will be lucky and she will let you go off and do your own thing, and she could find a man that desires her. But I have to say that it's not likely.
Please try not to hurt her to much, and be as honest as possible.
Good luck, and I hope both your future's will be happy. XXX
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (1 September 2008):
 Hi,
well I think you know you have been living in denial all these years. But you cant change the past now. Still to pretend you are heterosexual is to continue living a lie and denying your sexuality.
You have to weigh up the pros and cons of coming out against the disruption this scenario will have on your family. Your children will no doubt be devastated. But your wife was naive to think she could change you, especially as you admitted to previous flings with men before you married.
But yet again, that is all in the past, you have to talk to your wife about what you both want for the future, she must understand that a normal sex life is impossible between you as you are gay .
You have some hard choices and there are no easy answers, only you and your wife can decide what is best for your family, but pretending that you can change and be a happily married heterosexual couple is not one of them.
Good luck in whatever you decide.
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