A
female
age
30-35,
*riaz
writes:I have a toxic mother. Shes done a lot for me, but shes also damaged me a lot. Background: my mom is unhappy in her marriage. My dad bullies her. She does not make very much money, so she relies on my dad, and my dad takes full advantage of it. My dad has had an affair with another woman, and threatened to shoot her and then himself one time when he got reallt drunk. I intervened of course, and got in between them. She refuses to leave him, despite my persuasion. Because of that, shes taken all of her anger out on me. Shes always complaining about my weight (youre so fat already, and youre still eating"") Shes also said that she should starve me to get me to lose weight. Yet when i refuse to eat, she gets mad. (I spent all this time cooking for you, and you dont want to eat it"") My father also gave me the nickname 'elephant legs' because im just soo fat! For the record, I am 23, chinese, 5'9, approx 170 lbs, and have about 33% body fat. I spend a lot of time at the gym and have lost quite a bit of weight. Also, growing up, she was always comparing me to others who were smarter than me, whether it be my older brother, or her friends kids. (*name* did that" Thats soo great! I wish AZ could do that). She has also said multiple times that she should have never had me/I am such a burden/i was an accident/I regret having you. She said it so often when i was growing up that i actually started believing her. Because of all that, i have really poor self esteem and low confidence. When i was in grade school, i have actually thought about hurting myself quite a few times because of all the hurtful things shes said. The bullying at home was worse than the bullying at school. That behavior continued even in college. She dictated which school i went to, yet is always saying i went to a second rate school. My brother and her friends kids all went to UC and ivy leagues, while i went to a 'crappy cal state'. In college, I wanted to assert my independence. So I worked 2 jobs to pay for school myself. Also, my parents were experiencing financial problems, so they couldnt really pay for my tuition anyways. I am really proud of that accomplishment. But she takes all the glory for it. 'If it werent for me, you wouldnt have been able to do it' (uh... if you did your job and paid for tuition like a parent should do, i wouldnt have had to do it. [Considering they paid for my brothers tuition.]) I studied nursing in college, and a couple months after graduating, i was able to find a job, and finally moved out! I paid off my loans a few months after starting work. Now, i have encountered new problems. My parents business is really doing badly. Naturally, I want to help out, so i give them $500 a month to help with their expenses. Even my brother said no more than 500. I knew it wouldnt last and pretty soon shed start asking for more. She gave me hell for not wanting to pay off her $700 credit card bill. I caved, and paid it. Then, she asked me to pay her $300 health insurance bill, to which i said no. She got mad, and started calling me stingy. (You make so much money and dont want to give me some of it. Why are you being so selfish") She should be grateful im even giving her money in the first place. None of my friends or her friends kids are doing that. I bet she doesnt regret having me now! She also gets mad at me for not wanting to come home. Can you blame me though" I will be off for about 3 weeks because my manager who schedules me for work is getting married and going on vacation. I told my mom this so i could get out of paying their bill next month since i wont have any income. She got mad at me when i said no to her suggestion to move back home. Am i being out of line/disresrespectful or is she overreacting? I dont know what else to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2016): 5'9 and 170 pounds sounds like a perfectly healthy weight and at that height nice looking too. Not only does your mum sound toxic but jealous. Your personal achievement and professional success is something to be admired- not frowned upon or taken advantage of. That is shameful of her. You have your own life to lead without being dragged down by such a bitter and resentful woman. Time to stand your ground. Either cut ties or tell her the way things are going to be from now on. What can she do or say that will cause you further damage? If she threatens to wash her hands of you, then that is her choice and probably a blessing in disguise. If she rants and rages- turn your back and walk away. Go live the life that YOU have created for yourself ??
A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (28 April 2016):
 Yes, she's toxic. Honey, you've done all you can AND more. I was raised in a similar culture where you respect your parents and are in a sense, expected to take care of them. But, it took me a very long time to realize this one amazing fact: I don't owe my parents. Yes, they took care of me and gave me life but that's what parents do. I give the respect they earned and help out where I can but that's it. What your mother is demanding is WAY too much. I would be so proud to have a daughter who went to college, paid off her tuition independently and working as a professional. She sounds not only ungrateful, but mean-spirited. She seems to be a leech, sucking both money and happiness out of your life. If I could, I'd move further away lol Let her know that you have personal finances to take care of and are getting ready for your future, you can no longer pay her bills for her. Period. Don't apologize or anything, state it as a fact. Does your brother help out too? Since he can do no wrong apparently, I wouldn't pay if he's not either. Why should you take on that burden alone? You have a great heart and a very helpful nature. Don't let anyone take advantage. Again, you don't owe her your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2016): Stop right now.Do not give those parents of yours any more money.They do not deserve it.You have been taken advantage of for far too long.Tell your abusers the bank is now closed forever.Get yourself to therapy to find out why you let yourself be treated so badly.You do not even have to see them anymore if that is what you want.It is OK to cut toxic people out of your life.Personally I think it is the brothers who should be giving them money to pay them back for school.Take a nice vacation with some of that money.Put alot of it away for when you retire...you will need it.Do not let them bully you another day...you already have done too much.
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