A
male
age
41-50,
*damtbutler2008
writes:I have a serious serious controlling problem. I have had my last 3 lovers leave me for someone else with the last two ending up in marriage. 3 months ago I go involved with an incredible young lady who has been everything that women should be however my past this time in the form of me has comeback in a really bad way that is scary. Ever since my last burned experience I have been waiting to redeem myself with someone else that it was those women and not me who left me and its been bad. About a month ago she had told me that she interviewed for a corporate job and the 1st words out of my mouth were that the 1st guy that got any ideas with her would wind up in the hospital scaring her. It took her 4 hours to calm me down that night. She has over 100 friends on her myspace account and just recently I was on the internet and went into my search bar and pulled up this guys name from myspace that I knew nothing about. I automatically assumed the worst and asked her about it and when she said it was a friend through another friend I went nuts on her yelling at her for not telling me about this guy. I went into the internet dating site we met through and did a thorough search trying to come up with some dirt to use on her and found nothing. Yesturday she added him as a friend to her myspace and for 7 hours all I remember was that I got rather crazy with her going as far as to sending this guy an email wishing him luck with her even after I knew that this guy was no threat and accused her of everything. A little while ago I camedown from my anger and fully realized how much I had messed up.I love her but I am tired of putting assumptions on her and she does not deserve it. Someone help.
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female
reader, bethevans  +, writes (22 March 2009):
 Sounds to me like you have some kind of behaviour problem, i myself have been involved with a few guys that have anger problems and i also have ADHD which makes me lose control at some points, i used to have to take a pill everyday to keep me calm, but it's getting better now, people are even starting to say im too nice lol !
so go see a doctor see if you can be tested or something x
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (20 March 2009):
It sounds like you literally LOSE all control. You can see yourself you are not acting normally during these little episodes, and to be honest, if you do not do something soon, this girl is going to leave you too.
God knows if she came on here describing your behaviour we'd tell her to get out now for her own safety and sanity, and not go back till you'd had some serious therapy, if at all!
This doesn't just sounds like low self esteem or a problem that can be solved with cuddles and talking, I think this needs some serious therapy, as you obviously just go off on one for several hours. It has to be some kind of defensive chemical taking over and causing you to act like this. It sounds almost like you are on a bad drugs trip!
Go and see a doctor and ask who you need to be referred to. Book the appointment today because if you leave it too long and she "dares" to get another job interview or something as "terrible" as that and you lose it again, you probably won't see her for dust.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): I am a woman about your age and do pretty much the same thing to my current (long suffering) boyfriend. If you have been hurt in the past or have been rejected badly or even abandoned somehow (emotionally or phyically) in childhood these can all affect your ability to believe in someone or trust them fully and what you (we) are doing to other people is unfortunately a form of emotional abuse. We do not want it to be and we certainly don't mean it but its like we can't help ourselves. Its like we spend our lives looking for someone to do something bad, searching for evidence and never being quite convinced so in effect we 'get in first' - to prevent them from shocking us and hurting us or letting us down. To prove we were right all along - except we can never find quite enough to pin on them. I speak from my own experience of looking into details, blowing small things out of proportion, being obsessed and spiralling our thoughts out of control (your myspace thing being a good example). It is exhausting isn't it. This constant quest means we spend hours of energy on doing that than on ourselves, our own lives and more positive things. Our thinking is twisted but you need to know its not your fault... but you can do something about it - as much for your own sanity as your relationship. There are some great books on 'the emotionally abusive relationship' which can help you identify your own root of this problem and certainly counselling can help you however ultimately you need a method by which, on an everyday basis, you can change your thinking. In effect to over-ride what comes naturally at first. Also work on your own sense of self - what makes you tick, what do you love doing, indulging in ... have you stopped doing these things so you can spend more time on wondering whether someone is cheating on you? The more we reinforce those positive things about ourselves the more confidence and selfworth we have and that makes us less vulnerable to wondering and worrying about everything around us we can become. I hope this helps - you're not alone with this overwhelming feeling.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): As i drive my Ferrari, i look at other cars, it doesn't mean i want them.
Talk to her - not get angry or upset. talk to her.
How are you when you are out with her? do you get upset when she talks to men? Relax a bit think she is thinking about you stud. Be happy.
Remember she could choose to be with anyone, anyone on the entire planet and she has chosen you above them all - be pleased and proud.
Maybe go for counselling - not sure how in USA, but must be some way to do this. Although i think you are thinking too much on the negative aspects and more likely to trip up (bit like watching your feet as you walk)
Star.x.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): You need to talk to a professional. You can start with your medical doctor to recommend a therapist or look for some anger management classes.....
The first step is to admit you have a problem, so that is taking a step in the right direction.. You will be amazed at how therapy can help you, you may even suffer from an anxiety disorder which can be treated with medication...so don't give up, seek help, it is a sign of strength.
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