A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've given myself a timeline that if he doesn't propose to me by then, I'm going to focus my life on something new. Ive been with him for a few years, and last year October he mentioned he was going to propose in Feburary... its now nearly October again and theres been no proposal!I know that soon enough he can definitely afford a ring, comfortably, so if he decides to spend his cash on something else, Im hitting the road. Clearly I am not a priority to him if he doesnt bother to ask after all this time. But... should I tell him about the deadline in some subtle way or not?Thank you! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 September 2011):
 you should only give an ultimatum if you are willing to follow through with the consequences.
BUT do you really want to marry a man you had to force to marry you?
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 September 2011):
 Here, this is funny and interesting:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leap_year#Folk_traditions
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 September 2011):
Few men will propose when given the ultimatum. You have a higher chance of him proposing if you do not tell him about your secret ultimatum.
Better yet, when your deadline is up, and he hasn't proposed, YOU should propose. After all, next year is a leap year, and tradition says that a woman can propose on a leap year (if you're a traditionalist). That way you will get to know for sure.
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A
female
reader, sammi star  +, writes (29 September 2011):
 You should have an honest talk with him about how important marriage is to you but I'd advise you not to mention the time frame you have set in your mind. If you do this he will either propose simply because of your emotional blackmail or panic and feel even less inclined to get engaged.
If you truly love him then don't walk out just because he's not on the same page as you right now. It's difficult when a partner doesn't see things the same way as you but isn't a relationship supposed to be about patience and understanding? Is marriage more important to you than he is? If you answer yes to that then you're probably with the wrong person anyway.
So much advice these days tells us to just leave our partners if we're not in agreement but that's not the way to go. We can't always have our own way and when you love someone you learn to compromise.
Just because he hasn't done it yet doesn't mean he doesn't want to or that he cares for you any less. Maybe he's seen marriages fall apart and is afraid that it will change things. A lot of men think this way, marriage can start to make them feel almost trapped and they wonder why they should rock the boat when their relationship is perfectly happy as it is.
Have a proper chat with him. Explain how important marriage is to you and ask him exactly where he'd place it on his list of priorities. If he says it's something he wants, just not right now, then you'll have to decide weather he's worth the wait. Don't lose sight of how lucky you are to be with someone you love so much - many people don't have that at all. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): Hi, I do agree with the male reader (and I'm a female 33 years)I'm also in a long term relationship and hope I have a grasp on marriage as I would also like to be married.
I will be blunt and say that Pink Rose is wrong, seeing as you have come here for good advice and I assume to want to be happy. At one stage I had a view that was somewhat that of Pink Roses advise BUT..I wanted to be happy and figure my way through my relationship. You have to realise that men are men they are not women for a start.
Yes he should do the right thing and it is important to tell him that in very clear but non aggresive terms that don't add to his underlying stress if there is any or if it's a weakness then he needs to work through it.
The thing is that there is not necessarily a perfect man, but I believe the very best thing that you can hope for and focus on is to ask yourself "Is this mans heart right.."
If his heart is right then he will keep working at his pace to do the best he can for you and not betray you.
If his heart is wrong that is indeed a problem.
So how do you tell well you have to be willing to look really hard at not just the superficial facts - because sometimes people mess up a bit but there heart is right, but to look very closely and then it also requires faith in God I believe, as he has the power to check your mans heart and give you the answers you are seeking.
All the best dear!!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 September 2011):
 Does "...Ive been with him for a few years..." mean that you and he share the same address? If "yes," then you must either confront him.... telling him that, only with marriage will you continue in that arrangement
IF you choose to NOT have that conversation with him.... then you may reasonably expect him to continue things as they are. After all, he has all the trappings of the "marriage" that you want (Means: He has a roommate and a sex partner!), but hs doesn't have to do anything (new, or different) to keep things as they are....
Good luck..
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (29 September 2011):
It is true that people should stick to their word, and that if he said he would propose by then, he should have, or should have spoken to you about it. However, it can help to understand that these issues are difficult to talk about sometimes. You should understand because you are not talking about it to him either, and it is not only his responsibility to make sure that all is well in the relationship, and that it running the way you want it to, it is a shared responsibility.
You write "I've given myself a timeline that if he doesn't propose to me by then, I'm going to focus my life on something new" and you also write "Clearly I am not a priority to him if he doesnt bother to ask after all this time". These statements indicate that you are upset about it, but rather than speak to him about it, it is easier for you to assume the worst and end the relationship. If you really love him and think the relationship is worth fighting for, you would face your fears and speak to him about it rather than throw away something good.
Your assumption that you are not a priority because he hasn't bothered to ask is probably not correct. He probably hasn't asked because he is scared to get married, or has committment issues, or is planning something for your proposal in his way, or he has some emotional barrier that makes this very hard for him, or many other possibilities. This is a tricky thing for lots of people, but you need to be able to speak about it rather than just make some excuse and end the relationship.
He might not know how important this is to you, and he might not know that the fact that he said he would ask you and hasn't has had an impact on your trust of him, or trusting what he says. You should speak to him about these things and let him know. Find out how he feels, then you will be in a better position to know what the right action is to take.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (29 September 2011):
you should tell him what it is you want or expected, if it is something that is of such huge personal significance to you. It wouldn't be fair to him if you said nothing, or if you were being "subtle" and he missed it, and then further down the road you get angry at him or blindside him with a break up that he didn't see coming. for all you know, he may be interested in marriage but just not on the same time frame as you, or he may be assuming that you would take the lead in broaching this subject.
if your relationship is such that you're expecting a marriage proposal and he's not doing it, then clearly both of you are not on the same page RIGHT NOW. There's no need to wait for longer before clearing this up. I mean, you could, but I don't see how that helps anything. You may see the additional 6 months as "giving him an opportunity to do what you want." But to me it seems as if he's already had plenty of opportunity and he hasn't, so how will waiting another 6 months change anything. why not just address this difference in perspectives/plans/values right now.
and no you shouldn't be subtle, because if he still doesn't do what you want (propose to you) you won't know if it's because he missed the hints and was unaware of them, or if he misunderstood them, or if it's because he really doesn't see you as a priority. You don't have to be pushy about marriage either (that wouldn't be good either and could backfire). But you should find a way to raise the topic as a neutral discussion to see where you both stand on this issue, without trying to influence him.
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female
reader, PinkRose +, writes (29 September 2011):
 Please don't waste your life waiting around for him......marriage is about wanting to share your life with someone in a committed relationship not waiting till you can afford a nice ring. If he really loved you and wanted to start a family with you, he would just propose with any ring and then when if he really thought it was important to get a big one he would get it later. So many women have done what you've done......."I'll wait till my bday...........no proposal.........ok i'll give him till Christmas......no proposal..........ok valentines day and that's it...........10 years go by, you are older, you missed out on other great guys, you missed your chance to have a family..............if he doesn't want the same thing you want then it's time to part ways hun!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): why subtle? just be direct and honest.
your goal shouldn't be to "get" him to propose to you. manipulating people is not how you should be living your life. your goal should be to provide him with the information so he can decide if he wants to propose to you or not. So then you can in turn decide what to do with your life.
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