A
male
age
30-35,
*rokenarrows
writes:I have a phobia of being left behind or abandoned, and it immensely effects many of my relationship. My current girlfriend, was originally my best friend for three years and on the fourth year she asked me out. When she goes out with her family, friends, and believe or not even church. Each and every time anxiety fills me up and overwhelms me with completely irrational feelings. I've tried therapy, five or six antianxiety medications, plus I was also put in a mental hospital. I've done so much to overcome this irrational phobia, but it won't go away and I'm scared it will tear us apart. Please help me, give some suggestions.....anything is better than nothing.
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female
reader, when nothing goes right go left  +, writes (12 February 2013):
 I know that it must feel really hard right now but there other ways that could help you.The first one is finding out about the late dr claire weeks because she is thought to have been one of the best experts when it came to phobias and although her books and tapes specialise in general axiety disorder they have been used to treat all types of phobia because its not so much about what the phobia is about but more of how you deal with them.And the second is to locate a Life Coach in your area and find one who can work with you to help with your Social Phobias.Hope this helps.
A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (12 February 2013):
 HI
I believe the longer your with your GF the deeper your falling inlove, and of course the more you love someone the more scared you are of loosing them. When you were a child only your parents will have the full truth of why they did what they did, and why they chose the life they had. No it's not fair OR right that you as a child had to be the one that suffered for there mistakes in life, but YOU can be a better role model and become a stronger person if you really want to. By doing this you have to forgive them of there actions and be thankful you never had to go through your whole life around that kind of enviroment. because although it's painful and you may never find out the whole truths by leaving when they did it was probably so you COULD have a better life without them, maybe they knew they could not change and didn't want you and your brother to suffer anymore. wanting to be in control of a relationship because of these fears is a saftey net, because when you really start to feel the pressure you will purposly sabbotage your own relationship ( you hurt her feelings and dump her before she gets the chance to do it to you ) you cant keep blaming everyone who wants to get close to you for your past. have you tried asking your Dr for a change of tablets ? a really good anxiety tablet is Amitriptyline at a 50mg dosage. I hope you can get some peace in your mind soon and be able to have a fullfillng relationship with your GF and a happy lif. YOU CAN have all that just let go of the past, the past can't be re written but the future is yours to write .
Mandy x
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (12 February 2013):
 llifton has hit the nail on the head.
I totally relate to you, OP.
Do you still see the therapist? Have you told him/ her your current problems? There are lots of cognitive behavioural tools that you could use when you feel overwhelmed. They can really help. Ask the therapist about it.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (11 February 2013):
 Sure the fear is irrational, but the root of it is not. Figuring out the base concern will help you figure out which scripts to use to prevent your mind from spinning out of control thoughts it, that you are afraid that she will be hurt out there? That she will find someone else and leave you? That you can't stand to be alone? It sounds like it becomes obsessive for you and I wonder if anti-anxiety medication is not so much the key as meds for OCD? I'm not a psychiatrist so s/he probably knows better but it's something to consider. Self-awareness is major in trying to keep yourself in check. Monitor the number of times you think of her in an hour when she is out. How many is this? Make a goal to reduce it by half, then by half again. Try to make it a game for yourself to change your tune, distract yourself, meditate it out, and that which you can't meditate out, talk through with the scripts. You can think of one for each of the issues above. Consider that things that are out of your power to control are not worth your spending your mental energy on it. Spending your mental energy on it can in fact drive her further away. I hope this helps!
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A
male
reader, Brokenarrows +, writes (11 February 2013):
Brokenarrows is verified as being by the original poster of the question When my girlfriend and I weren't dating I was not plagued by anxiety. Unfortunately the longer I've been dating her the more anxiety I feel and this anxiety can manifest its self. It can be showed by obsessiveness, constantly wanting control over her. I know its from the phobia, I immediately think she'll forget about or won't call me at all. That's never the case though she never forgets me and she always calls me.It's an irrational fear I have. I've done it with my other ex's too. sighs...
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A
male
reader, Brokenarrows +, writes (11 February 2013):
Brokenarrows is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've been in therapy for seven years now.Yes I was abandoned as a child both my parents were drug and alcohol users. When I was eleven my grandmother came and took my little brother to here North Carolina. My temper and depression was uncontrollable they were afraid I might hurt myself or loved ones.When my grandmother took me all could think about was I was going to miss my moms birthday. I never really experienced
a childhood because I was the only that took care of me and my brother.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 February 2013):
 do you have any idea what causes the irrational fears and anxiety?
how long did you do therapy? this would be something that would probably require some digging to figure out what's causing it
did you work with someone who specializes in anxiety and fears?
did you do medication in addition to therapy
have you considered biofeedback as a way to learn not to be anxious.... or maybe aversion therapy... (put a rubber band on the wrist and snap it every time you have these irrational fears)
since the first three years you were friends with your now gf you didn't feel this.. what other than her asking you out changed?
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (11 February 2013):
 well since you've tried therapy, i'm sure you're aware of attachment styles. but in the instance you aren't, i'll go ahead and explain them. there's 3 types and they are developed in infancy:1. secure. secure children feel confident that the attachment figure (mother at this point) will be available to meet their needs. They use the attachment figure as a safe base to explore the environment and seek the attachment figure in times of distress.Securely attached infants are easily soothed by the attachment figure when upset. Infants develop a secure attachment when the caregiver is sensitive to their signals, and responds appropriately to their needs. an individual who has experienced a secure attachment is likely to possess a representational model of attachment figures as being available, responsive, and helpful.2. insecure avoidant. Insecure avoidant children do not orientate to their attachment figure while investigating the environment. They are very independent of the attachment figure both physically and emotionally. They do not seek contact with the attachment figure when distressed. Such children are likely to have a caregiver who is insensitive and rejecting of their needs. The attachment figure may withdraw from helping during difficult tasks and is often unavailable during times of emotional distress. 3. Insecure ambivalent. Insecure ambivalent children adopt an ambivalent behavioral style towards the attachment figure. The child will commonly exhibit clingy and dependent behavior, but will be rejecting of the attachment figure when they engage in interaction. The child fails to develop any feelings of security from the attachment figure. Accordingly, they exhibit difficulty moving away from the attachment figure to explore novel surroundings. When distressed they are difficult to soothe and are not comforted by interaction with the attachment figure. This behavior results from an inconsistent level of response to their needs from the primary caregiver. with all that being said, you sound like a clear case of insecure ambivalent attachment. you fear and even panic when your partner leaves you. and perhaps when she comes back, you find that you're somewhat angry with her for even leaving you in the first place and are unable to be consoled because of your lack of trust in her. according to this theory, you developed this as an infant from your primary caregiver being inconsistent. or perhaps you didn't even have a primary caregiver? i've also found that sometimes people may exhibit secure attachment in infancy, yet later in life, experience such bad trauma, that they develop this type of attachment. it can be changed through differing life experiences.sometimes getting to the bottom of what is causing your issue is the first step in the right direction. this way, you can acknowledge WHY you're behaving the way you are, and you can make corrective steps towards healing. you could also try relaxation techniques. the next time you start to feel panicked by your girlfriend leaving, begin the relaxation or meditation. may sound weird, but it really helps for some people. see if it can't calm you down. do some investigating or speak to a professional about it. it certainly couldn't hurt.lastly, it can simply be a matter of self control. pay close attention. recognize what EXACTLY triggers these feelings of panic in you, and the moment you begin to feel yourself becomming angry or insecure, rather than lashing out or allowing yourself to lose control at your girlfriend, just smile and tell her everything is okay. you may not remotely feel okay whatsoever, but the idea being that the longer you begin to tell yourself it's okay, and resist acting out on these feelings of sadness and anger, the more likely you will be to begin to believe it. it's a behavioral change.also, you could talk to your girlfriend and explain all the issues you have (i'm sure she already knows), and ask her to help you. that when she leaves, it would help if she sent you texts for a while to reassure you everything was fine. that she loves you and is coming back to you, etc. then after a while, perhaps you could relearn to actually trust her when she leaves and know she's coming back to you. sorry so long, but your question required a long answer. i'd continue with therapy if i were you. it certainly couldn't hurt. good luck.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (11 February 2013):
Therapy takes time. In the meantime you should try to keep most of this to yourself. Don't call asking where she is, etc. or you'll push her away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2013): First thing is you are not alone, many people have the same anxiety that you have, the same fears, it's how we handle them that is the difference. Your coping skills seem to be rather poor but that doesn't mean you can't learn to control your fears and direct them somewhere else . This is called turning a negative into a positive .. Before I try and give some advice on this, may I ask whether you felt deprived as a child, abandoned by your mother or significant care provider , did you feel alone growing up? For now I can see that you want to make change here and you have been trying to receive therapy to make this happen . Sometimes therapy work and sometimes it's about finding the right therapy to make you make yourself become whole ...Now a negative into a positive is fairly easy . Lets say your gf of to church, you find yourself growing anxious , you start treading the floor, tapping your fingers , watching the clock ( these are just examples, you may not do any if these) you think unrational thoughts, you get restless . These are not good signs. So as soon as you do . Take ten deep breaths .. Then either go jogging . Do a work out, some press ups, anything that will get you from thinking about her... Another way is why not this valentine day write her a letter and ask her to do the same . Keep the letter in your wallet and much like children do with their comfort toys when apart take it out and read it, let the words penetrate through your fear believe them... And be reassured that your gf does love you. Another thing is to when your ready let your gf know how you feel if she doesn't already . It's not wimpy or anything . Certainly my thoughts are something happened in your childhood, some loss of some kind to make you feel this way. But though we can all give advice, only you can climb that hill ( it's only a mountain if you let be one) and control this fear..I hope I have helped even a little and do keep us posted ...Take care
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (11 February 2013):
HI
May I ask were you abandoned as a child?
If so this could be the trigger for all this. And you would probably need more therapy if you are to move forward.
If not then atleast you recognise you have a problem and want to deal with it. It's going to take some strength and effort on your part but if you really want to get over this you need to spend a little longer every day away from her, you know she loves you, you know she is safe, and you know she is coming back to you...but you also know if you keep this up you WILL be alone, because there is only so much someone is willing to put up with. The times your apart do something to keep your mind busy, or try helping out in a community centre or church, somewhere you are helping others but at the same time it's helping you to get over your fear.
Mandy x
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