A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm a non-confrontational person by nature. Growing up my parents fought a lot with my older brother so I would do everything in my power to avoid fights. But I find now that I'm more grown up, it makes it hard to talk about conflict.This brings a problem to my relationship with my boyfriend. We've been dating for two years, three months now. We've yet to have a fight, but I think this is mainly because I'm too afraid to bring up topics that bother me.Next year he's hoping to move to the UK to start medical school and wants me to come with him. I've already made it very clear that I don't want to move in with anyone unless I'm engaged, and he counters this by stating that he doesn't want to get engaged until he's out of school (another 4-5 years minimum). And yet, every time I mention plans for this upcoming fall, he is sure to mention that he expects us to be living over seas (we're from Canada).I don't want to move in with him. Is this normal for a couple that's been together for this time already to not be ready? He's been saying that he would have been fine moving in together since last year, and yet I still don't want to commit myself like that. We've very different people and even though we get along well now, I fear that later our lack of common interests will become a problem. Is this normal?Please give me some advice. It's hard to talk about this with the people close to me because they're all mutual friends with both of us.Thanks,-Uncertain
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female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (20 March 2011):
 I was going to suggest to give him an ultimatum of engagement (and moving to UK) or breakup but you're not ready for this it seems: you're concerned that the uncommon interests will be a problem which you won't find out until you live with him, but you're not ready to live with him unless you're engaged. does it make sense to want to move in with someone by being engaged and THEN finding out about your incompatability?
I was very similar to you, in terms of fear/avoidance of confrontation. there are books on how to better handle conflict. for example, not all conflict is negative. conflict can actually unite people. i'm not an expert on the subject as mentioned, but as I became physically and emotionally closer to my bf, i found it harder to compromise myself and became much more open about addressing issues out of necessity/sanity's sake.
You're not ready for going overseas. You either have to figure out how to make it work while he's overseas, how to break up, or how to get to the point of BEING ready for overseas.long distance relationship has not been mentioned in the post, moving in is a no-no unless marriage is attached to the deal, and that leaves only breaking up--what are you waiting for to happen before he leaves? do you WANT him to propose? it doesn't seem like you're ready for that. Maybe you just need to let this guy go.
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