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female
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anonymous
writes: I lost my virginity to my boyfriend at aged 20, I'm 21 now, he is two years younger than me, I was sensible about it as I've had over 15 boyfriends and he was the only really genuine guy. This is becoming an obsession with me though now, he lost his at aged 14 to a girl the same age as him...I can't help thinking of how gross it is that he was doing that when he was a child, I didn't expect his life to be a blank canvas before I entered it, but I have 14 year old cousins and the idea of them having sex repluses me and he was the same age.I feel that the girl used him as she dumped him soon after and committed suicide a few monthes later. I can't help thinking that she was his first love, he choses to remmember her despite what she did to him, he has told me that this is the best relationship of his life with me, yet I have this horrible, horrible feeling that if he could trade me in her place, I would be dead and she would be with him.It's a terrible thing to think but I have always been one to think the worst. I don't want this to ruin my relationship I just wish she would stay buried for good. She has been dead for five years now. We have had arguements about this as I am sick to death of him bringing up how "great being aged 14 was" because the fact is he is not going to get her, or that age back.I don't know what to do, I don't want this to ruin my relationship or take away my sanity. It's already ruining my life.I would be so grateful for advice...
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female
reader, LethalInjection-x  +, writes (29 January 2008):
 I think the previous answer to this covered most of my views too.
If you waited until you were 20 and decided he was the most genuine out of 15 relationships, then clearly that shows how good a guy he is, indicating to me that he must clearly care a lot about you for you to feel this way.
A lot of people lose their virginity at that sort of age, through experimentation and sometimes because they feel deeply for someone they're with.
You can't label it repulsive, just because you can't see it from their point it doesn't make it wrong.
But anyway, you seem quite insecure, you should talk to your boyfriend about this, explain how you feel about it, if he's a good boyfriend he'll try to reassure you.
Obviously he was very hurt by her death, and maybe he even ended up feeling slightly to blame for her death due to their break up and her suicide not being far apart. You can't mistake this for wanting to trade you in for her.
He obviously misses her, but by the sounds of things, this issue doesn't upset him anymore, so why think he would choose her?
Calm down, and write down all the things you like about him and all the ways in which he shows that he loves you.
It should help you feel more positive.
If it is still an issue though, maybe seek some counselling? Purely for the insecurity, you could end up feeling so much better.
Best of luck xx
A
male
reader, TomWilkinson +, writes (20 November 2007):
 he probably doesn't mean her when he says it was great being 14, because, think back! It was great when you were 14 I bet! You need to stop worrying about this, most people these days have sex at a young age, I was 15 which isn't rare and most people I know, male and female, were around this age, 16 or 17. Also, at 14, having a girlfriend is not a true relationship. Just because they had sex doesn't, mean that it was true love at all.Her death will have been traumatic for him, not because the were together or had sex but because someone he knew, killed themselves! It does sound like you're exaggerating, and that it is an issue, simply because you don't like the idea of sexuality at a young age, you have created the idea that he would rather have her back than you, which is wrong, he is a 19 year old man, there is no reason to pine for a former girlfriend from 4 years previous at such a young age.
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