A
female
age
,
*dkas
writes:I was wondering if anyone can relate to being sexually frustrated. I have a great sex drive always have and my husband has next to no sex drive. He says he's very attracted to me and thinks I'm sexy but we hardly have sex. When we do its great but once every two weeks is crazy. Any suggestions?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (26 July 2011):
 Been there, done that.
DD, Betty, and anonymous Male,
I'm going to give you all I've got on this because It's important, and there is a lot of misinformation out there on it. The problem is mismatched sex drives. One of the insidious lies out there is that sex drive never changes. Since some of us are over 40 and the rest of us know people over 40, I think we can agree that this simply isn't true. Any number of things can change your sex drive either temporarily, or long term. Most relationships are going to suffer some form of mismatched sex drive. Another bad idea that gets touted out there is that the high drive person should find a way to lower there drive. While I'm sure it is possible, the high drive is not going to want to, and in truth the low drive person is not going to be happy with the results. Let's face it sex is good, more sex is better.
Now lets look at what to do. Betty is right talking about sex can be touchy, not just to men, not just to a low drive partner. We generally get hung up and flustered when we talk about it. But, it is what is needed here. When I was going through this I stumbled onto a book titled the sex starved marriage. I read a passage in there that changed my life. It said, in essence, that when I tell you that I need more sex, and you fail to give me more, I feel that you don't love me. It is illogical for you to expect me to stay faithful in a marriage when I don't feel loved and my needs are not met. This is not a threat it is simply a statement of the facts. This is the message I gave to my wife. My wife had no physical problems preventing her from having sex more frequently. She enjoys sex and achieves Climax most times. There were two things holding her back, one she thought we were too old for that any more, and two, She just wasn't interested in initiating the encounter.
It's been 10 years since that little talk, we have both changed over that time. I suffer from ED now. She has worked some seriously conflicting schedules. But, we are both committed to the relationship, emotionally, and sexually. Currently our strategies include sex dates. We both feel bad if we miss one. I know she loves me because she monitors my sex interest, she knows if we have waited too long. She understands that occasionally I need her to initiate, and she is willing to do it. This level of communication (especially on this touchy subject)is necessary to success in marriage.
Now dd, I suspect from your post that your husband doesn't have a physical limitation. I also guess that you don't like asking for sex. Honey, you are starving, for Pete's sake ask him for some meat. The fact is, for some reason, he thinks everything is o k. There is an old joke that illustrates this.
He says: I might as well live in a monastery, She is always hiding from me, I practically have to attack her unawares to get any. I'm lucky to have it 3 times a week.
She says: The man is a sex fiend, he wants it everywhere and anywhere. He's wearing me out. I hardly dare bend over to get the biscuits from the oven for fear of being attacked. He thinks he will die if he doesn't get it three times a week.
It's all about perception. Now assuming there isn't a physical problem, or a religious problem or a mental (depression) problem, this can be worked out. I can even offer advice for the physical problems. Don't suffer silently, don't give up a good partner. Attack the problem as a couple and you will both win.
FA
A
female
reader, Trinklett +, writes (26 July 2011):
 Lots of couples have sex thrice a week but describe it as ok. What's your definition of great sex? If its mind blowing and taking you to another realm, hunny I'll take the forthnitely mind blowing sex over the daily one- Thank you very much. But then if the forthnitely ain't doing it for you then I can say you're having issues.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (26 July 2011):
 Jesus that's depressing! I always thought a LTR/marriage meant a good, frequent sex life. And apparently once every 2 weeks is good? wow...
Well I can empathise with you. I also have a high sex drive with a partner who would be happy with fortnightly sex. I don't really know what to suggest as I am frustrated myself! But know you are not alone. I don't know why this happens but it could just simply be that you are mismatched in the sex drive department, which may just be something you cannot change. Unless he wants to increase his sex drive or you are able to surpress yours, things will continue as they are.
There is a chance that he may change in the future or that if you make an effort to communicate and spice things up that he will be receptive to it. But he may not.
You have to decide if this frequency of intimacy is something you can live with for the rest of your life, or if perhaps your husband is sadly not the right man for you. No relationship is perfect. You have to weigh up the pros and cons, do some soul searching, is this something you can learn to live with or does it just make you too unhappy? If your partner is receptive, try talking to him about it. But be careful, guys can be very sensitive around this area. They don't find it easy to talk about sex, in my experience, and can get defensive. So chose your words wisely and kindly.
Hope this helps :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): Count your lucky stars. According to statistics something like 25% of marriages are completely sexless and another 25% only have sex once every other month. Right now I'd be happy with every other week as long as it was good sex (which you say it is).
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (26 July 2011):
 Ok, well once every two weeks is a bit spare, yet better than many women can expect in marriage. This would seem a situation in which "spicing it up" may be appropriate.
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