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anonymous
writes:My wife and I were discussing the past and the issue of trust came up. Specifically, when we met, the circle of people that I trusted could be counted on one hand and within that circle was one person I felt would never betray me. To this day, over twenty years later, this circle hasn't grown and still there is only one person in this whole world that I feel will never betray me.My history of being betrayed started in high school and continued when one parent became untrustworthy. I think the effect of the latter betrayal has been far reaching but I only started to realize this tonight. I believe that the fear of betrayal colours all of my relationships in the sense that I project pessimism. I am not a sad person and don't get down on myself but I tend to think about the ways in which I could get screwed if I chose to trust someone. And this may be source of the pessimistic vibes that I send out.Most of us carry a scar from the past. I was wondering if any of you feels the same way I do about the fear of betrayal and is willing to share your story? Thank you for contributions! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your post anon. I was struck the intensity of your response and had to reread my original post. I made it sound like my fear is so strong that it poisons my relationships, but that is not at all the case. I can characterize my friendships as concentric circles. In the outer circle are many friends and for the most part we get along just fine and some of these people I have known for most of my life. However it is true that I have been very selective about who I let into that smaller inner circle. Each person in that inner circle would trust me with his or her life and vice versa. Could any of the people in the inner circle betray me or could I betray anyone in that circle? There is always that risk but our friendships have stood the tests of time and/or trial. We're now scattered around the world but whenever we visit, it's like we were never apart. I'm so grateful to have kindred spirits.
Turning back to the betrayal thing. The fear isn't toxic yet but I can totally see how it has the potential to become that way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your post anon. It is terrible for you to have been betrayed in such a fashion. While my dad did not betray me in that way he betrayed me nonetheless and I still get angry when I dwell on that betrayal. And decades later after reaching out to him he still engaged in the same behaviour but at least this time, without the expectation of trust, I was able to just let him fade out of my life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2013): You might want to get into therapy to retrain the way you think about life. It's normal to be hurt when you've had your trust broken but at some point if you don't take back control and get over it, your life will spiral downward. It sounds like you're either headed toward that or maybe you're already on that destructive path. 20 years is a long time to be feeling anxious.You need to retrain your mind to think different thoughts. It may be something like an anxiety disorder, and for that there are lots of well established therapies. You can never be authentic in any relationship or friendship if you're always second guessing everyone and treating them like they have something to hide. Soon people will simply stop reaching out to you altogether, if they haven't already that is. Then you will truly be alone. If that is where you are most comfortable then that's fine, to each his own. But if you don't feel comfortable being all alone and isolated, just that it feels "better" than the alternative, then you're stuck between a rock and a hard place and only you can get yourself out and therapy might be needed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your post, Youwish. I can tell when people make decisions based on fear and I see the consequences. I guess fear of betrayal is my comfort zone and I need to break out of it. The funny thing is that when it comes to other aspects of "comfort zone" I have no problem stepping out. Thank you again for sharing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2013): one of my parents cheated on the other and I found out and kept quiet about it. My parents are still together because the other parent never found out. ( I walked in on them)I feel angry for the betrayal, guilty for not saying anything, and sorry for my other parent who I know would be devastated if she realised that the partner she idolises is not all that perfect.My experience makes me less tolerant of cheats. When my friends cheat on their partners they stop being my friends, full stop. However, I still hold on to the belief that you can't mistrust everyone on account of one person's actions. It will make your life miserable and lonely if you shut people out. So for your own sake, have some blind faith and try to see the good in people. You can kick them out if they treat you badly, or if they cheat ofcourse. But give them a chance to shine, you have soooo much more to win if you allow someone to make you happy.
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reader, YouWish  +, writes (2 November 2013):
 I think you need to go deeper than a fear of betrayal. You mentioned something in your post that is very illuminating. You say that you "project pessimism"? That's the issue. If you thought the best of people, you wouldn't obsess over betrayal. Some people's natural state is pessimism, and they have to work very hard to hold onto an optimistic view of life. Other people have it easier, where they naturally think the best of people, which has the vulnerability of being open to getting hurt.
I am an optimist, and yes, I have been betrayed. You don't know pain until a friend gets you, and you see who you thought was your beloved boyfriend making out with his ex as you watch. I've been betrayed professionally as well, but I take it on a case-by-case basis. Am I scarred? Sure, but it makes me smarter, not more pessimistic. I have an extreme disgust for cheaters due to the pain I felt when watching him feel her up and then stammer to deny things when I ran in to confront him as she laughed at "how stupid I was" to not see it. Funny, I got my vindication when he cheated on her...again.
You can't allow the past to affect your future, or you will hamstring your future. You have to learn techniques to deal with that wall you put up, or you will be one very lonely guy behind that wall. I think you're feeling that loneliness now, or you wouldn't be here.
In your case, having a parent betray you is the worst. You may want to talk about that to someone, because that's hard to get over without help. Watching parents betray each other strikes at the heart of kids too...another reason why I rail cheaters with kids on here as well.
You have to decide that your past isn't your future. It's good to be cautious when giving trust, but we need to trust others, and there are trustworthy people out there. So you can either make fear-based decisions, or you can choose to think the best of people.
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