A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, this is my first post and I could really do with some advice.I'm twenty years old and have been working in a busy office for about six months. I'm a very quiet and shy person and barely talked at first, I'm only just starting to feel comfortable enough to join in the generally chit chat and open up a bit more. But for a while now I've been developing a crush on one of my co-workers, the problem is that I have a boyfriend.Me and my boyfriend have been dating for nearly three years, we get on really well and he knows me better than anyone. I say that I'm in love... but honestly my family and parents are so messed up that the thought of love petrifies me, so much so that I'm not one hundred per cent sure I believe in love. He has autism, and sometimes says things that really upset me, most of the time now he'll realise and apologise but he sometimes does the same thing again and again. I enjoy being busy, going places and having things planned, but he's always so reluctant to do anything new, he does make the effort and I try very hard to be supportive and not force him into situations he won't like... But it is starting to bug me lately that I always have to make the suggestions and organising things. When I'm with him I feel happy and loved, but when we're apart I become more and more unsure. Is this normal?Back to my co-worker he's very friendly and funny, he's always made a point of asking how I'm doing... I don't know if there is any attraction on his part but I can't help fantasizing about situations that would lead to us dating. Then I end up feeling like the worst person on the planet, how can I be so attracted to someone who isn't my boyfriend? I found out yesterday that this co-worker is eleven years older than me, I hoped that would be enough to put me off. But if anything it's making me think about him more. I know why I'm attracted to him, he's in the kind of working environment I want to be in (he has lots of responsibility whereas I'm a trainee and am only learning bits and pieces), he makes friends easily and is very confident, he's also really sweet and cares about his family and he's in the process of buying a house, something I would love to be able to do. Basically where he is in life right now is exactly where I want to be.I want to make things better with my boyfriend and forget about any attraction with my co-worker. But I try not to flirt with my co-worker and it sees to still happen and only when he's gone do I realise that I said or did something I maybe shouldn't have. When he goes through my room I can't help but look up, and most of the time he's looking my way and smiling. He also teases me and accuses me of causing problems with stuff that I had nothing to do with. But I'm not sure if he does this to others in the building.I've never coped with stress well and I've been losing sleep lately. There's allot going on in my life right now and this is just one more thing taking up space in my head that I just don't need to be stressing about. I'm not sure how well any of this will come across but I could do with some advice and tips.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 November 2013):
 You try to remember what attracted you to your boyfriend before and see if that quality is still there. The ability to bond and be loyal is not considered an attractive quality. It is a good quality nonetheless, but there has to be something about your boyfriend that's so unique besides his autism. Something about him that stands out from the other. If you can't find that one thing then you are just with him out of habit, and you are waiting for a time when your attraction to your coworker makes you do something out of the comfort zone. It could be that you and him are not compatible, or it could be a case of the greener grass syndrome. Stability is better than a drama filled household, but you still need that passion in a partner. You might find that in the future you do your own thing, while he stays in, then you develop feelings for other people when you really wished that you could do things with him. On the other hand, no one has all the qualities that satisfy us. Sometimes when we are not happy with where we are at in our lives, we find things that are wrong in our partners also. In the long run, stability wins over passion.
You might even wonder if your boyfriend could be changed. Some people change naturally as they age, some change because they don't want to lose the relationship, but the best reason is that they want it themselves. Being autistic means he's hypersensitive and may even have some agoraphobia. To be in a relationship with an autistic guy means you accept his limitations. Although when you ride it out with him the rewards are that they are loyal and reliable.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2013): From what I can see, you're strongly in 'the grass is greener' mode, and you're first-class infatuated with this older coworker of yours. Infatuation gets stronger the more we feed it -- i.e. the more we keep it to ourselves and fantasize about it. There's usually little to nothing actually there to build a relationship on, but it's an ideal that you have in your head that you THINK this guy represents, and you're afraid of committing to your boyfriend because of the rough edges he has. This coworker guy sounds all smooth and suave, but I guarantee you that it only seems that way because 1) he's in a position of authority and knowledge on something that you are trying to learn more about, and 2) you only see him when he's "on," not when he's slouched in his recliner after work with a Bud Light in hand, mouth slack and eyes glazed over, ignoring you when you're trying to have a talk about your feelings. Your boyfriend, you've had the chance to see warts and all, and it seems to you right now that his warts outnumber the pretty sparkly traits that this other guy has. And that's the core of infatuation. It's you making shit up in your head about how awesome this other person must be compared to your current situation, but in reality it's just a holographic projection of your wishful thinking, and your fear that maybe you are selling yourself short by being with your boyfriend. If you didn't work with this man, there would be nothing there. That means there is nothing there. Really. No, you don't have to flirt with him more just to check. Not that there's anything wrong with flirting, but only if you and your boyfriend have mutually agreed that flirting is okay with both of you, and only if you're not keeping this your dirty little emotional secret (which you are). The thing about infatuation is that it gets stronger the more that you hide it. I don't know if you can do this, but what my man and I do when we see (and possibly start to get infatuated with) a very sparkly charming pretty person is talk about the person being cool and cute, and share it with each other. Paradoxically, that robs the potential infatuation of any steam it may be gaining, because we realize again the value of the best friend we're sharing it all with -- each other. It can be normal to continually doubt yourself and your feelings and overanalyze if your central emotional core is very weak, which it sounds like it might be. Please, I don't mean that as an insult. It just means that you got screwed up in enough ways as a little girl that you don't know how to trust your own judgment. Therapy can help with this. It's the only way I was able to silence the same voice in my own head and let the love of my life be the love of my life. And that's also how you'll gain enough strength on your own to be cool with your boyfriend even when he isn't feeding your ego and sense of validation like you feel you need. (Hint: you really don't need that.)Good luck. I recommend therapy not because you seem very messed up, but because you need that sense of clarity about yourself and your life and you seem not to be able to cut through your own mental noise enough to do so.
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