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female
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*anya
writes: My partner and I have been together for 5.5 years, we bought a house together last year and are very happy. I really don't like flying due to a phobia, this is something I hope to overcome in the future but for now means I am unable to travel overseas. My partner has always wanted to travel - he loves snowboarding and wants to go for 1 week a year with friends - he would rather go with me, but that's not currently an option. He has also said that he is concerned that he may never go abroad again because I don't want him to go on holiday on his own, and as I can't go with him I am basically stopping him from going. I really do want to sort out the flying thing as I too would like to travel! - but if I don't I think I would find it really hard being left at home while he goes away for a week. There is a part of me that feels that he should understand and not really want to go away without me - I certainly wouldn't want to go on holiday without him! - my not flying is not a 'choice' for me! He did go snowboarding once and I hated it, I really felt like he didn't care about me at all to want to spend time away from me. This has become a big issue as I now want to have children, and he really wants to sort this out before we have a family as he feels very 'trapped' by the situation and feels that I am controlling him. Please help! - I think we're literally talking one week a year at most, either for snowboarding or to visit his mother overseas - is he being unreasonable? Or am I being selfish?
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (25 November 2005):
 My heart goes out to you as you are in a no win situation here; stay or go will bring about discomfort and even pain.
The answer below is not too sympathetic. A phobia is a little bit more than just a feeling that can be worked on and ignored and I do know this as I have tackled agoraphobia for a long time and I understand how very hard it can be. I think you need to have experienced the fear to really understand and perhaps the answer below is lacking somewhat in empathy. A phobia is an illness but it can be overcome through working on your thought processes and using all the strength and determination that you can muster.
Seek help for this as soon as you possibly can. This is your most important goal. Not just so you can join your boyfriend when he goes away but for you to increase your confidence and your own independence.
Remember the fact that your boyfriend will have some difficulty understanding this because to him, he wants you to go but you aren't able to, so he feels you're stopping him. He can't quite understand the reasons behind it. Perhaps if you asked him to try to imagine being in your shoes and being at home without you, he might begin to appreciate where you are coming from.
I believe he does care for you and doesn't wish to go without you but he also doesn't want to stop doing what he enjoys-which is also understandable.
Many couples wouldn't like to go away without each other. This is perfectly normal. If there is no compromise over this situation-as in holidaying somewhere in this country and relaxing together-then I think you need to concentrate on increasing your independence. This should be done anyway but you shouldn't sit at home having a miserable time and missing him while he is away.
Widen your social circle and start to do things independently for yourself. Increase your confidence and self-esteem by starting a new project that doesn't involve your partner.
Put on hold your thoughts of starting a family until you feel better about the relationship and life in general.
Of course being in a relationship involves making the one you love happy but not at the expense of your misery. Think of you. What do you want out of life? Seek to achieve it and as you don't want to be at home alone when/if he goes, do something, anything to change things.
I hope this helps.
A
female
reader, missbunbury  +, writes (25 November 2005):
 There are two issues here, which I think are feeding each other. Your phobia of flying is the first, and your fear of being alone is the second. Both of these problems are, I'm afraid, up to you to deal with as you're the one with the issues here. By allowing these two irrational fears to intrude on your relationship, you've set up a situation where your boyfriend really doesn't have any options - the only way he can keep you happy is by giving in to you and allowing your issues to spoil his own enjoyment of life, and that's not really fair.
You say that "my not flying is not a 'choice' for me", but I'm afraid it is a choice - you've chosen to do nothing about this fear, which could be overcome if you wanted that enough. It sounds to me as if you're under the impression that a phobia is like an illness; something that just 'happens' to you, but a phobia is really only a feeling, and feelings can be changed and they can be ignored. There are loads of websites that could help you get over this phobia, or you could see your GP and ask for a referral to a specialist who could help you get over this. You must feel sad that this irrational emotion is stopping you from experiencing things with your man, so why not make today the day that you decide not to let your own mind put stumbling blocks in your way?
If you really don't want to get over your fear, I think you need to think about the way you feel when your boyfriend goes away. You say that "I really felt like he didn't care about me at all to want to spend time away from me", but what you need to see is that he is stuck here - he probably doesn't feel thrilled about having to go away without you, but he also feels that it's not fair for you to expect him to give up something that is important to him just because you aren't willing to take part.
I'll be honest, I do think there is an element of controlling behaviour here - you want him to give in entirely to you so that you don't have to deal with any sort of fear at all, and that's not a great way to live. When we really love someone, we want that person to be happy, and if snowboarding is what makes your man happy then I don't think it's unreasonable of him to want the freedom to do that. He'd probably be even happier if you would show him exactly how much you love him by being willing to put yourself through a certain amount of pain and allow him to go. The best way to deal with fear - whether it's fear of going or fear of staying - is to face up to your fear; you'll usually discover that the outcome is nowhere near as bad as you expected.
One final point - you say you now want children. Would you really want to bring children into a relationship where one parent is paralysed by irrational fear and the other parent is resentful at having to do without fun? I'd think seriously about this if I were you - sometimes, in order to get what we want in life we have to do things that are difficult, but if the things we want are important enough we'll move heaven and earth to make them happen. If you really want kids with this man, then you need to get the relationship to a stage where nobody feels trapped and angry, and you have basically got two choices - either work on the phobia or work on the insecurity, as otherwise I can't see the situation improving.
I'm sorry if I come across as harsh, but you're going to have to face up to these facts eventually. I have every confidence that you CAN make this happen; in fact you're the ONLY one who can make this happen, and I wish you all the strength you need to find the happiness you deserve.
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