A
male
age
30-35,
*ffliction
writes:Hey everyone,I’ve been debating where I could actually post this and get opinions and thoughts on it. I’ve tried typing out the situation I’m about to explain many times, but I often lose focus and tend to just stop writing… This is kind of lengthy, so please be pre-warned. Anyway, here it goes…I’m a 20 year old gay college student. I’m not out, and right now would not be a good time to come out. I started film school back in September of 2008 and I’m absolutely loving it. I’m due to graduate here in several months and it’s unfortunate that I’ve fallen for a boy in my class at this late stage. You see, a few months ago we were assigned to our groups to create our 16mm film project and “Brian” was assigned to the same group as me. I had noticed him before many months ago and I always thought he was kind of cute, but never much more than that. When our project began and I first really started to notice him, I felt myself fall more in love with him every day. He was so attractive, intelligent and flamboyant. If I knew for sure he was a straight boy I never would have let myself even like him (like that) because I knew I’d never stand a chance, but I was sensing a bit of a gay vibe from him. [He does have a bit of a gay lisp and tone to his voice (especially when he calls “here!” on attendance) and the way he holds himself is also quite gay. I consider myself pretty straight acting and people have been surprised when I told them I was gay before.] Brian and I had never really spoken to each other before now, but we did know who each other was to the point where we were friends on Facebook. Anyway, Brian was assigned position of “set photographer” and basically had to photograph the entire production from day one until we wrapped. During one of our first production meetings he randomly came over to the area I was sitting and began just taking photos of me. I shrugged and laughed with him while he was doing it, but I noticed he wasn’t taking pictures of anyone else. I really noticed his [apparent] gay side and it was then that my mind clicked and told me “not totally straight” which then made me start to develop my attraction to him. Although I was secretly enjoying it, I made a point for him to take pictures of other people and he obliged. Since then I see his last name (and other minor details about him) all over the place, such as license plates, menus, bill boards, etc. The radio has even been good at playing songs with his name in it at times when I just got out of class and I’m thinking of him. Such random coincidences have occurred that I’m only falling more in love with him and recently he’s been in several of my dreams.Brian is single and since I’ve known who he is I’ve never heard of him actually being in a relationship nor hooking up with women he must meet when he goes out. He just didn’t even seem like the type that would do that. My initial impression of him was that he was very sweet, kind and a happy loving person. His Facebook profile states that he’s straight, but I’ve never fully believed what some people list as their sexuality on social networking sites. I know gay people listing themselves as “straight” on their profiles when I know for damn sure they’re gay – they’re just in denial. So, I knocked that out of the way and told myself “he could be lying” – basically I’m telling myself what I want to hear. One day I noticed something that was said between him and a mutual friend at school (one of his best friends) online, where he [Brian] was telling his friend that he was in the frozen food section at the grocery store and some chick approached him and they began to have a brief conversation. She then asked him if he wanted to get coffee, to which he declined and threw 5 items out of his cart to get in to the express check out line. Several people made comments about his post, to which he said “I don’t remember posting on anybody’s wall but [friend]!” – Was this just a joke comment or was he being serious? I told myself, again, what I wanted to hear and left it at that. Back at school I began to notice him noticing me more (at least that’s how I perceived it), unless I was just oblivious to it before hand, and on several occasions I noticed him staring at me, to which he turned away whenever I looked back at him. After the construction of our basic set walls I was on the “mudding” team (we had to seamlessly fill the gaps in the wall) and I began to get the product running all down my arms. He approached me and commented on the progress, but I was more interested to see how he would react to me talking to him. I told him I was pissed I was the only one who had the mud running down my arms. He then said “here, let me take care of that for you…” to which he ran his fingers delicately down my arm which then just turned in to a stare. It only lasted briefly until I unwillingly broke the silence. “You can get me a paper towel!” He went to get me paper towels and I just stood there cursing myself. Was he flirting with me or is it just wishful thinking? He touched me! That sooo seems like something someone would do if they liked you! I had noticed he was quite touchy-feely with other people as well so I tried not to think much of it. Then he started hugging me sometimes – again, I noticed he hugged people quite often. At this point we still didn’t socialize much. It was mainly just in class we would talk (if ever). I’m a very shy and quiet person, especially with boys I have crushes on. As I’m prone to doing, I would sometimes avoid him because he made my heart pound so hard that I’d be too nervous to speak to him. For a while I thought that because I hadn’t really expressed a keen interest for him, he thought I wasn’t interested and thus never made an effort at conversation like I never did. Sometimes I still think this, and other times I genuinely think “no, no, no! He’s not interested in you. Stop telling yourself that he is!” Fast-forward a couple weeks until production starts. I was on camera team thus I was always on the set and saw everyone who came and left the soundstage. Brian was there, of course, with his camera snapping pictures of everyone working. At numerous times we had to position the camera away from the crew (such as in an unused room on the set) where typically only the camera operator and assistant camera operator needed to be to get the shot. On several of those occasions, Brian would be back there with us, typically not taking pictures. When I would look away from the camera he would always be looking at me. I didn’t want to stare back or anything because another crew member was with us, and I didn’t want to risk getting caught. On another occasion our camera team had rotated so I was in another room loading film in to an extra camera magazine. Once I was done I returned to the set, put the mag to one side and went and took a seat next to the other crew members. I looked down at my phone to text someone and I could feel a hole being burned in to my head. I looked up and there he was. He was sitting there just looking right at me. Our eyes locked and I felt like we had a moment. Again, I unwillingly ruined the moment because of my nerves and pulled a ridiculous face, smiled at him, and returned to my texting. I remember he never smiled back when I did that and I again just sat there kicking myself on the inside for possibly ruining another chance. When I was called back up to continue filming I walked over to the set and took my position. Next thing I look up and he’s stood in a faux doorway on the set on his own just watching us work. I don’t know if he was just interested in seeing the camera department working or not but I thought he was definitely there because he liked me. Additionally, on a break we were all scattered across the set eating our meals. He was sat on some scenic and props (desk, chair, etc) eating his meal while I was across the room eating mine. I looked over and he was looking right at me again. I locked on to his eyes again and we just looked at each other for what seemed like eternity. I can’t remember who looked away first, but I again got that feeling and told myself “maybe I do have a chance!” After the production wrapped there was a party at a friend’s house. I never really party but I knew Brian would be there so I decided to make an appearance. When we first acknowledged each other’s presence he gave me a hug and we had a brief conversation before we went to talk to other groups of people. Eventually we ended up back in the same group talking. This being after several beers of course, so we had all loosened up. I noticed him looking my way on several instances, and at one point he even called me out in front of our group after looking at me extensively and asked me “hey ****, you should join the communist party with me…” (He’s a self-proclaimed communist and makes it known by wearing said artifacts.) Of course I was pretty drunk and all I could think of saying was “sure! Do I get a necklace too?!” I don’t quite remember what was said after that, but I don’t think he found the humor in it that I did. He had also hugged me several other times that night as well. Shortly before I left, he saw me walk back in to the house with several girls from our class, to which he followed us in to the kitchen, and again, he was looking at me and no one else. It was very loud inside and I couldn’t catch everything everyone was saying, but I can vividly recall him saying something along the lines of “I wanna fuck the shit out of you!” He said it from across a group of people though, so I’ve been debating whether those are the actual words he said. After he left (and hugged me for a final time) I felt no reason to stay and left. I got quite upset that night and I decided to text him. We had never texted each other before so I was unsure if he was going to answer. I had got his number off of the call sheet so I told him who it was and I asked him if he went to another party, and all he said back was “yeah, why?” I told him I was looking to go somewhere else, to which I got no reply. Two days later I saw him at school for a study session and he commented on the text in a very friendly manner. During the study session several incidences occurred in class that made everyone laugh. Each time I looked over at him (two seats down) he would just be smiling at me. At the end of the session he came up to me and hugged me again, this time for longer than usual, and he muttered something that I didn’t hear. I have texted him several times since, and all I get is one return text from him, usually containing few words. I have since taken his number out of my phone so I’m not tempted to contact him. I’ve yet to actually receive a text from him first.After the shoot was our Winter Break, so I didn’t get to see him for two weeks. The proceeding class is a post production class where we edit the actual films, and from students who already took the class, I was aware that you had to chose a partner from the production group you were in. Over the break I speculated about how I could possibly ask him to be my partner to edit the film. I would then tell myself “no, he has many closer friends in our group that he would probably much rather choose to work with.” I wished he would be my partner but deep down I knew it wouldn’t ever happen. On our first day of class I got there incredibly early… early enough that the teacher wasn’t even there to open up the Avid editing lab. I took a seat around the corner from the classroom and started talking to another kid in our class. Next thing I know Brain comes walking around the corner. It was particularly awkward at first, but then he initiated contact with me instead of the three other people who were also waiting. We talked back and forth around the group until we saw that it was time for class to start. We walked back to the classroom and went in. There was one editing station open on the front row and Brian took it because his friend was on the station next to it. I thought to myself “I’m not even going to say anything” so I made my way further back to an open station. Before I could even sit down Brian turned around and said “*****, come sit!” He patted the chair next to him and I immediately felt my heart melt. Was this my wish coming true? Is it fate? Does he really like me? Or is this just coincidence? Regardless, I took a seat next to him and my nerves got the best of me. I found it so hard to answer him when he talked to me but I loved every second of it. I will admit, it was fairly awkward because of my lack of a social life. After that class I left with a friend and he did the same. In the parking lot he yelled out “Fine *****, don’t say bye!” I apologized and asked him if he was going to go to the movie a bunch of us had planned to see that night. He said no, and I just said bye. My friend who I was with then commented to me “Oh, Brian, yeah he seems cool. I get weird vibes from him though.” I then asked “what kind of vibes?” to which he replied, “Gay vibes, dude.” I just shook my head but inside I was beaming. Someone else noticed!The next class one of the first things he said to me was “I don’t wanna be your partner any more…” I frowned, just looked at him and said “ok…” He grinned and that’s how it ended. I still to this day can’t figure out if he was being sarcastic or not, or whether he then felt bad and just dismissed the situation. Regardless, I was still his partner. While we’re editing I can see him looking at me through the corner of my eye, and most of the time I don’t know when he’s going to do it (his glances are really brief) so I never have an opportunity to look back at him. Sometimes I’m under the impression that he is flirting with me, but I look past it (I still don’t know for sure whether he does in fact like me.) It’s weird being with him sometimes because he has begun speaking in a high-language-type-way with me (very formal and uses a lot of big words) and I don’t always understand what he’s saying or where he’s going with the conversation. I feel like he thinks I’m dumb when I have nothing to say to his well thought out statements. I’ve also begun learning of his musical tastes and hobbies. He really likes heavy metal and rock. He plays electric guitar and is a big video gamer. None of those qualities reflect any gay guy I know. I can’t see a gay man liking heavy metal and video games? Another reason I think he’s straight.**By the way, props to you for reading on this far. I know this is long. Shouldn’t be too much longer. **On other class days I’ve seen him talking to his best friend sitting next to him and they’ll both look at me as though they’ve been discussing me or something involving me, and he refuses to tell me what he’s been talking about. All the while he’s just smiling and snickering at the fact he’s teasing me. Just the other day the same situation happened again, and he said to his friend “[laughing] no that’ll embarrass me!” while looking at me. He refused to tell me what he was talking about, and why it would embarrass him. A similar incident occurred today. His friend was sick and was not in class, so I had more one-on-one time with him. While we were editing he asked me an extremely random question in that charming, teasing way about him… almost as though he was implying something. He looked right at me and asked, “do you ever have any premonitions?” I was surprised at first. I asked, “like what?” to which he said, “I don’t know; like something that’s going to happen in the future?” My first instinct was that he was implying that we were going to hook up, get together, kiss for the first time or something. I don’t know, but I thought it meant something between us. I told him “yeah, but usually it’s just wishful thinking…” I didn’t know what else to say. I thought that would perhaps hint at him or something. I asked him if he did and he said “yes.” I asked him what, and he just smiled and refused to tell me. It seemed like he enjoyed teasing me with the situation. I perhaps asked him what his premonitions were 7 times throughout the class until he finally decided to tell me (almost in a way to get me off of his back.) He mentioned something about something bad happening and that I should get my concealed weapons permit before anything bad happens. He told me that his premonitions won’t come true if he tells me and that they usually come true with the exception of one that he had. I’m still not sure what he was talking about, but I can’t help but think they were about me. Without making this story too much longer, Brian had also touched my thigh several times when talking to me, but then I just think about how touchy-feely he is with everyone. He had also told me he loved me several times, but he does that with a lot of people too. Tonight in class we had a couple in-depth conversations. Up until this point the topic of girls had rarely been discussed, and he never asked me my opinion of girls, if I liked anyone, or if I thought any girls were hot. I asked him if he was depressed and if he’s ever been in love, and if he would ever get married and have kids, etc. He told me that he wasn’t depressed (contradicting something he actually said earlier in the class) and that he had been in love before and she loved him (and then he said something to explain whey their love ended – I don’t really remember.) In response to whether he would get married or not, he said no and that he wanted to live his life as his life and do what he wanted to do. He went on to talk about how he’s “fucked” a bunch of girls before and he never had any regard for their feelings or them in general. He stated that he doesn’t really care about people, and just himself. This gave him “straight points” and lots of them. But could he be lying? It seemed too blunt to be a lie, but this kid is smart, so I wouldn’t put it past him.There’s just one more notable incident I’d like to describe and then this paper will be over with ?. One night after class he had parked next to me at school. While I was about to reverse he stood and doodled around behind my car so I couldn’t get out. He then stopped and came down the side of the car. I rolled down my window and called him a jerk (jokingly). He then said something to me (which I can’t remember for the life of me) and then he reached in to the car with his left hand as though he wanted me to put my hand on his. I did and we interlocked our fingers for a good 5 seconds +. He was looking at me the whole time as far as I know. He then pulled back and as he turned to get in his car, he looked at me and said “I love you ****.” What the hell am I supposed to think? The kid who doesn’t have any regard for anyone else just told me he loved me again after squeezing my hand!?? It was so romantic yet so random! What’s this kid doing to me? I love him, but at the same time I think that I shouldn’t because he’s not gay. I just can’t help it. Is this just wishful thinking or am I going crazy? Would you even consider these things signs? We start a long break in two weeks, and I want to clear this up before that time.Thanks for reading this. I don’t get to vent this stuff much so it kinda built up as you can see. I left out other minor incidences that didn’t seem relevant (actually, it’s because this was long enough.) I just want to know what the hell is going on so I can begin to make any necessary moves, or, just get over him before our month long break coming up where I’ll obsess over missing him the whole time and I’ll just be miserable! Is there something I could say when we’re sat down together? A question to ask him to see what response he will give? Anything?Thanks for your input!
View related questions:
a break, best friend, crush, depressed, drunk, facebook, flirt, shy, teasing, text, video games Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): I personally agree with whoever said the guy is weird.. as dumb as this sounds I feel like people who game AND listen to heavy metal a lot of times happen to be sociopathic in some way. The gaming isolates them from real-world experiences and the metal is kinda violent & could make them be interested in like dark stuff or something. OH AND to the anonymous guy who wrote "Really funny he mentioned a concealed carry permit. He's obviously scared of fag-bashing." UHH that's not obvious, you're reading into it too much.. or not enough. If the dude says he has premonitions about bad things happening and you needing a gun for said "bad things" then he seems a little DISTURBED. Sounds like something a school-shooter would say or something.
A
male
reader, AvgGuy1 +, writes (23 January 2010):
 I recall being in an almost similar situation when I was in college and I concur with the last anonymous male poster.
You never mentioned whether he _knows_ that you are gay or not. You are not out, but if you've told ANYONE he might have found out indirectly. It doesn't sound like it though.
The whole leaning in the car and telling you that he loves you seems to indicate that he's very keenly interested in you. If it would have been me - unless I really had to go somewhere else - I would have invited him into the car... to talk.
I would guess that his best friend, with whom you say he seems to have mocking conversations about you, MIGHT JUST be telling him to get to know you (or to 'go for it') but that embarrasses him. This seems especially true if he has confided in/come out to his friend.
Like anonymous I would approach things very cautious and slowly - especially since you are not out.
Oh, and I know MANY gay guys who play video games... and quite a few who like hard/metal rock. You need to remove that from your straight indicator.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): Well... First off, this guy isn't straight if he tells you he loves you and holds your hand. Secondly, it sounds as though you are both only just starting to think about exploring your sexuality. I completely understand, having been totally in denial for years, then coming out at 27 with a vengeance.
As to your crush's comment on banging a bunch of chicks and not caring, don't read into that. That's either a total lie - his denial showing through, or his way of saying "I'm pretty sure I like men".
When I was in denial, I didn't really care about anyone. You can't care about others when you don't love and accept yourself. This could be a barrier to developing a relationship, or you might be the catalyst which helps him break through and begin accepting his orientation.
Sounds like you're a shy and reserved guy. Sorry to have to tell you, but you gotta fix that if you want a relationship here. In order to get something going, you have to take some initiative. Don't play around. Tell him you want to get to know him better and suggest activities which are conducive to quality one on one time. Go for a drive in the sticks. Stop at a park and go for a long walk. Cook dinner for him and stay up all night talking, or whatever Don't be afraid to share and be emotionally intimate. Don't let any sudden fits of passion lead to sex, at least for now. Let him know you care.
Its very important you don't try to label or categorize your relationship with him too early on, or you might freak him out.
Again, Don't have sex with him until you actually develop some emotional intimacy. I waited a month with my boyfriend and we're totally at ease with ourselves and our sexuality, in addition to being older and more experienced.
I used to like heavy metal and videogames. I still like the games to some degree, but rarely play them. The metal appealed back when I hated myself and the world and was chronically depressed. I didn't understand at the time, but I now know that's because I was a severely repressed gay man going down the wrong road fast. I ended up marrying the only girlfriend I ever had and was miserable for years, for which I was 90% to blame.
You don't mention where you are located, but this can weigh heavily on the potential success of your goal. I lived in southern Indiana until the age of 24, which was a particularly oppressive environment, which only served to deepen my denial. I then moved with my ex wife to Tucson, AZ, where after 3 years and a spectacular matrimonial meltdown, my gayness finally surfaced.
---Sorry to be so long winded; you get what you give...---
For my next comment, I'll just cut and paste: "My friend who I was with then commented to me “Oh, Brian, yeah he seems cool. I get weird vibes from him though.” I then asked “what kind of vibes?” to which he replied, “Gay vibes, dude.” I just shook my head but inside I was beaming. Someone else noticed!" You should not consider the person who made this comment to be a friend. Period. Surrounding yourself with people who think this way is self-defeating.
You need to start acknowledging to everyone that you are gay and let the chips fall where they may. (hey, that rhymes!) Don't be afraid of what people might say. You might lose a couple friends, but you'll gain a lot more out of respect - gay and straight. You're in a college environment, which should be pretty tolerant, regardless of what part of the country.
Really funny he mentioned a concealed carry permit. He's obviously scared of fag-bashing. Pretty much why I got mine when I turned 21. I was bullied somewhat for being gay in high school, which caused scars that lingered a few years afterward. Anyway, I digress..
In summation, Stop obsessing. Spend some quality time getting to know this guy, cause you might find a really great person lurking under that shell. Take it slow, don't f**k him - wait until you can make love. Let go of your own reservations and become a shining example of an out and proud gay man for him to follow. Be patient and allow him to find himself. Above all, treat him right and don't let him treat you wrong.
I know this doesn't sound easy, but then again if it was, it wouldn't be worth attempting, would it? Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Ziba +, writes (17 January 2010):
I think the same that he doesn't really love you. You shouldn't trust him. But, If you really love him and you know it can hurt you if you just end your relation with him, then spend some time with him, have some conversation to just know him more.
I think both of you don't know each other enough. You need time to know him better then you can decide and won't be this much confused. When someone really loves you respect you alot and you feel it. You are sure about it with no confusion.
Now that you have confusion it can be an indication that it is not real but a nice imagination.
Good luck,
M
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): I think the same that he doesn't really love you. You shouldn't trust him. But, If you really love him and you know it can hurt you if you just end your relation with him, then spend some time with him, have some conversation to just know him more.
I think both of you don't know each other enough. You need time to know him better then you can decide and won't be this much confused. When someone really loves you respect you alot and you feel it. You are sure about it with no confusion.
Now that you have confusion it can be an indication that it is not real but a nice imagination.
Good luck,
M
...............................
A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (17 January 2010):
 Hi there Affliction,
I feel this guy you like doesn't understand his own sexuality yet,that's why he lists his orientation as straight on facebook.
He's clearly bi in my view, but the way he talks about the girls he's had sex with makes me think he's not worthy of your love and his strange behaviour over time should be a big red flag to you.
You seem to be so very caught up in the catch me if you can game that you can't see that the weird vibe your friend talks about is not just cos he's gay, but also cos he's just weird.
I can only go from your post and i there's so many mind games he's playing with you that if you ever do get with him i don't see any good coming from it.
Ask him to go with you for a coffee if you want to get the ball rolling with him, but proceed with caution.
I'm sorry it's not what you want to hear, but going from what you've said i feel your heart would be better placed elsewhere.
Good luck x
...............................
|
