A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a terrible situation and I have no idea what to do. I am usually so focussed in life, knowing what I want but I am actually torn between what I currently have and what I can potentially get.I have been in a relationship with a man for almost two years now, and he was a breath of fresh air compared to the people I had dated before. Where they tended to be weak willed,'sensitive' and petty, he was assertive, confident and kind. That isn't to say he didn't have his baggage, but I was no longer the one calling all of the shots in a relationship; for the first time in my life I was on equal footing.In the time that we have been together we have had around nince months of separation when my job took me out of the country for a little while. We did everything we could to maintain the relationship while I was away, and were successful. When I returned things continued to be good; the 'spark' had not been lost; we had both matured a little but not enough to make us too different. We live together now, renting a small apartment together and I can count on one hand the number of serious arguments that we have had. But, and here comes the issue. In my work there is a lot of project based stuff, and for over a year I have been working closely with another man, lets call him Andrew. As far as I could initially tell we were just sort-of friends, collegues mainly. He is a very happy-go-lucky, doesn't take anything too seriously sort of person and so he is very easy to get on with. He has met- and is friends with- my partner. Around three months ago I noticed that when he had a bit to drink Andrew got very affectionate towards me; nothing overt; almost childish things like wanting to be close to me, or I'd catch him looking at me from across the room. My partner noticed this too; we discussed it privately, and came to the conclusion that he probably had a crush on me, and we left it at that. My partner is very secure and comfortable in our relationship - as am I - and so noticing a slight behavioural change in someone we both know didn't really phase either of us. Recently I had been talking to Andrew and he admitted that he was having an extremely tough personal time; mainly family issues which I won't repeat on here, and as he is a friend of both my partner and I we offered to let him stay with us for a little while. During this time he more or less broke down, telling me of just what was wrong, what had been eating him up inside for 15 years. He was so very different from the jokey-happy person I had known for so long.We had a very long talk, and during this time he confessed that he had feelings for me. But, the feelings that he confessed weren't just of a crush (which I had suspected), but something more, something deeper. He told me that he wanted nothing more than to be with me and have the life which my partner had.Now, if he had confessed and I didn't feel anything for him beyond friendship, I could have very easily have politely turned him down, and we could have perhaps continued as friends. But, his feelings aren't exactly unreciprocated. When we worked together I did develop feelings towards him; he is physically attractive and his personality is so sunny that it is difficult to feel down around him. But, I had no reason to persue him; I had a partner and I was happy in that relatinship. I put the entire thing down as a physical crush and quickly got over it. So, to hear that he felt so much for me was extremely flattering, but what's more, made my heart skip a beat as I'm not sure that I don't feel that way too. We talked for a long time, discussing the issue; I didn't want to make any rash or stupid descisions, and he didn't want to force anything upon me. I have explained to him that my partner and I are happy and that I am not going to drop everything to venture out into the unknown; I feel that I may have too much to lose here in what has taken me a long time to build.But, I can't deny that there is something between Andrew and I. There is a connection that I haven't really felt before, on an intellectual or emotional level, and after we have talked and talked about our feelings I can't help but wonder "what if...?"In all the time he stayed in our apartment I could feel his eyes on me, glancing at me when my partner wasn't looking, and I am not going to lie, it is rather thrilling, as it has a sense of being forbidden. I haven't discussed this with my partner; he hasn't noticed anything amiss and Andrew hasn't pushed anything or made his feelings overt; I think I just noticed little things because I am aware of what has been said. I don't really want to leave my boyfriend, but these feelings I have for Andrew are driving me mad.
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male
reader, Nasa +, writes (28 January 2010):
The same thing that attracted you to your boyfriend is going to be the same thing thing that attracts you to other boys. You cannot switch that off. When things get tough and you lose that spark with your current boyfriend its real easy to look somewhere else to get that spark back. If you do have a relationship with Andrew and you leave your boyfriend for him then the same thing will happen with Andrew. You will lose that spark too.
You must work on yourself and through that, work on your relationship. It's the only way. Once you do you will have fewer arguments with your boyfriend. You will begin to see him in a different light.
Chances are that if you go with Andrew then that will turn out to be very similar to your current relationship or worse because you would have come into the relationship whist still with your boyfriend.
If however, you are weak willed and/or the feelings are too strong then the temptation could be too great for you to say no. If this happens then at least prepare yourself for all the nasty consequences that could happen as a result of your actions.
If you want a way with dealing your feelings then let me know and I will see if I can help.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 January 2010):
What you are feeling for Andrew is the spark that is missing from your relationship. And that's what you need to work on in your relationship. You say you're comfortable? Maybe you're too comfortable and just need to spend time together working on the spark. Andrew is merely the spark you are missing, and it an be brought back. And let's be fair, you only ever see the good, working side of Andrew. You see the good and the bad of your boyfriend. Andrew's bad side could be worse. My advice to you is to work really hard with your boyfriend on getting that spark back. Your boyfriend is a good guy, which is rare. Through the nine months, he was there for you. Even now, you say he's a great guy. Andrew is telling a woman in a relationship he likes her. So he's not as good as your boyfriend. Work on your relationship with your boyfriend. I think Andrew will only lead you to sadness.
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