A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i left my boyfriend we werent happy any more and started seeing a guy id fallen for. that was 6 monhs ago and i love him very much. my ex has a new girlfriend and when he told me i was so crushed i realise i still do love my ex. not cos im jealous of the new girl, i really love him and miss him lots. i love my new boy and could never leave him but im aching for my ex. what should i do? im tearing up over this mess
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female
reader, autumnshire  +, writes (30 July 2007):
 Hi there,I just got out of a year-long relationship where the guy had been cheating on me with other girls the whole time, including his ex girlfriend. Look at it from a different perspective: would you like to be in a relationship where you know the other person has feelings for someone else, and therefore isn't 100% committed to you? I agree with the user who posted before me, leonard j.Douglas, that love without committment isn't really love. I have some horrible memories of my ex, now, and I think him a real coward for not being truthful with me in the beginning, when he wanted to go back to his ex. I bet you are feeling torn, I really can imagine how horrible it must be, but you need to ask yourself if you are being fair to your current boyfriend!!!!To be honest, even though it may feel like a terrible idea, I think you need some time on your own!! To gather your thoughts, make sense of your feelings and really understand what is going on. Did you get into this new relationship quite soon after breaking up with your ex? Sometimes - most times - it is extremely important to have a 'down period' after a relationship in which you had many feelings invested; a time for you to get over the feelings fully, to gather yourself, ultimately take good lessons from it and grow as a person. I really, really do advise that you take some time out ("some time" meaning several months at least!!) to be on your own, without these two boys, so that you can really make a fair call about what you want. I think you should certainly be fair to the guy you are with now; isn't honesty, trust and communication some of the most important elements in a relationship?? You must be fair with your boyfriend, especially if you say you love him. He deserves honesty from you.And, don't be a home-wrecker. If your ex is happy with another girl, then let it be so. It's hard, believe me I do know this!! It just shows that you really do need time to get over it all. Cutting off communication from him (if you haven't done so) for a while at least can be really, really beneficial. Maybe some time in the near future you can begin speaking again, but it really doesn't sound like you are over him and in which case it is important you stop hurting yourself by seeing/speaking to him, etc. Be fair to yourself, and your new boy; take time out to be by yourself, and after a few months see where life takes you!!I really, really do hope you consider taking some time out for yourself!! I really am sorry you have feelings for your ex. You need something to keep you busy, as well; something you do to make you happy so that you know there is more to your life than your ex (if you don't have something like this already).Just be fair. If you don't do it for your own sake, do it for your current boyfriend's sake. He's not going to want to be with someone who has feelings for someone else; be fair, be dignified, and take some time alone. It is hard (but only as hard as you allow it to be; i.e. it will be extremely hard if you are adament to mope everywhere, although I'm sure this will be a stage you go through!), but in the end of this it will be sooooooooooooo beneficial.Good luck, I don't know if I'm of much help but there are some things to think about, anyway,-Sam
A
male
reader, leonard j.Douglas  +, writes (29 July 2007):
You talk about love as if it were like changing your brand of lipstick. He's okay today, but tomorrow he's a dirty dog. And you are in love with someone new. Perhaps, That is what your love is all about. your bf is old hat, and so you need to change that hat for a new one,only to find out that your Mr.NEW-Hat also has Physical, Emotional and sexual feet of clay just like the rest of us. Love without commitment between two people isn't love, it's just the physical giving and taking of body pleasures. As for love, Not too sure that you ,like many other's really know what that is. Lots of people were in love, with SEX, ended up married, and learned to love each other along the road to Relational Bliss. The best friend that you will ever have is one who is willing to tell it as they see it. And the above is how I see you in your relationships
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): Perhaps try to think about what you love about your current boyfriend. Why -he- is your boyfriend and your ex isnt. Why you like spending time with him rather than your ex. Recall why you have an ex boyfriend.Hope this helps x
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