A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,So here is my problem. I am in a happy, loving, stable relationship of 2.5 years with the man of my dreams. I really, truly can't picture myself not being with him. He feels the same, but... something isn't quite adding up.Ever since I was a little girl, when all my female friends would get silly little crushes on boys in our class, I never did. I got crushes on them instead.Through high school, I had two boyfriends. And although I felt in love with them at the time, I would always become infatuated with girls. I thought I was attracted to him, but there was always one girl or another I could not get out of my mind.Fast forward to my current relationship, the sex is wonderful, but I always have to think about girls to get off. When I'm by myself, I can get myself sexually worked up over my boyfriend in my head, but can never finish without thinking about girls.So... in short... I truly feel I love my boyfriend but these facts haunt me that, 1. I have always had infatuations with girls, and 2. I have never been able to orgasm without fantasizing about being with a girl.The thing is, I have never even kissed a girl, so I can't know for sure.I really don't want to be gay. I already know my family would be completely open to it, and are very gay friendly. But I don't want it to be true because I love my boyfriend too much to lose him.Please note I am not stringing him along, he knows I question my sexuality at times, and is supportive.Is there anybody out there who has been through this, or might be able to give me some advice on my next move?Thank you.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 February 2013):
 OP if it helps I can tell you how I define cheating...
CHEATING is anything you can't won't and DON'T tell your partner.
so if you go to your bf and say I would like to try this on my own with your permission and blessing and I can't tell you how it will turn out or if I will be willing to discuss it with you after... are you ok with this?"
and he says YES
then in my book it's not cheating.
it's only cheating if you don't tell him before you do it or you lie to him.
also when you are done he will probably want to talk about it.... then you have to decide how much you are willing to share...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, So Very Confused. Now I think the only thing I CAN do is have a sexual encounter with a woman, if only just to get it out of my system. He said from the beginning that he would be ok with this, but I'm not. To me, cheating is cheating is cheating. But I may need to reconsider if it's the only way to save my relationship.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 February 2013):
Well if he knows you question it, wouldn't it be best to figure out what's going on?
If you are bisexual (I am) then you have some choices to make...
I am monogamous so while I miss my girl play, I am now with a man and will not (even with permission) play with girls... I call it play because while I am fully bisexual in terms of who I enjoy sex with, my emotional attachment for a primary partner has always been towards men....
The best thing to do I think is to have a sexual encounter or two with some woman you trust and are attracted to and do it with your boyfriend's knowledge and consent... and NOT a threesome...
The only problem with being bisexual in my opinion is finding a partner who is ok with you having same sex partners while you are committed to them. IF you want to do that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNothing. Absolutely nothing. Never implied that there was. Just struggling with the possible reality that there will always be an emptiness if I stay with my current bf.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 February 2013):
 You write: "I really don't want to be gay....."
Why not? What's wrong with that?????
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks.Yes I understand it's not a choice... that is WHY I'm confused. I mean if I've liked girls since I was 5, that is my biology. I guess I'm going to stay with him but I don't know how to silence this voice in my head.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2013): I've gone through that....the whole can't stop looking at an attractive woman. I actually was engaged to my ex fiancee but unlike u I felt unhappy, like something was missing n I wasn't complete. I was lying to myself by being with him bc I didn't love him, only tolerated him bc he was the ideal man. I denied myself as long as I could, causing me depression and self hate. I eventually left my ex fiancee to be with women n although with females there are problems too but I'm happy knowing I'm not being anybody but me. Although I'm still not out to the world I don't hide behind bolted closets either. If they know, they know n they don't need my confirmation to know, if they don't know, well it wasn't there business to know in the first place. Privileged information. You will probably always feel how u currently feel n nothing no advice will help u until u can accept u. You stated u didn't want to be gay. Then ur problem is easily solved bc u love ur bf and u can't imagine life without him. Your solution.....stick with him and continue to repress ur thoughts and feelings. Although I don't think repressing is a good idea, you've stated u didn't want to be gay. As long as you have happiness, which u state u do, and love....which u state u do.....then go on with that ignoring those feelings and not giving into them. FYI no one chooses to be gay. It's like choosing to be black pre civil rights era, or Christian during Bubonic Plague era, or green eyed black hair during Hitler era, or Indian during Christopher Columbus era. No one chooses these things. Things will only get better for u when u can love and accept yourself regardless of ur orientation. Best wishes
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