A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I've been with my boyfriend about 2 years. Started off sweet, charming, slightly clingy. We began texting each other prior to meeting. He would text up to 200 per day. Telling me his life story. At first I was flattered he was so into me. We finally met, after 3 weeks of texting a lot. He seemed normal. About one month into our texting and meeting he expressed he loved me. Said he's never felt such a connection with anyone. Within 6 weeks he asked me to move in with him. He lived with his mom, which seemed ok at the time as he was just recently divorced, and he expressed he had a lot of debt from his divorce. Made sense to me. So I moved in with him, and his mother and things began unravelling. He admitted he claimed bankruptcy, because of "his divorce" he said they had 8 credit cards at 10,000 dollars on each. I thought wow that's a lot his ex wife had a very good career, and he had a good one as well. We ended up getting into a nice apartment with the help of a connection, because u need good credit and he had none. He started becoming accusatory, demanding, tempermentive, like I was walking on egg shells. He was possessive, controlling wasn't allowed to have a facebook unless he had access, so I gave him access. He would call me rant and rave why someone "poked" me on facebook I'd say many people just do that on there. He removed most of my friends without asking. Took over my email account and some guy sent an innocent email about he was still playing hockey and hadn't heard from me in awhile and was wondering how I was. He flipped out. So I blocked the guy from contact. We never seemed to have enough money. Although with both incomes we made a lot. I finally put the pieces together and realized he had a gambling problem and confronted him. He minimized it saying I just play slots here and there maybe 100.00 when I do play. Which is fair or so I thought. I'd give him money in good faith to pay our rent, our monthly bills, and trusted him in assuming they were paid but they weren't. We started getting the cable bills overdue, the cell phones overdue, the furniture overdue, and the apartment a notice to move. I was so upset because he lied and didn't even have the decentcy to tell me what was transpiring. He went away on business, and used his company credit card and gambled 2 grand in two days. He was kiting cheques, and lost his own bank account. He forged my cheque to "gamble". While I was in school he decided to borrow money from a cash loan place to gamble. I didn't know the extent of anything until they started calling. I've expressed its time to get help over and over again. He claims he's hit his bottom and very much intends to. We no longer live together as I couldn't deal with the lies, and constant control, and gambling. He wants me to come back, I'm very hesitant and I've told him I'd like to attend meetings with you (moreso to ensure he's actually going cause he's been so deceitful with me) and then make my decision. I've told him I need stability countless times. He then tries to "bully" me into coming back. Which I won't go until he actually commits to something and goes through with it. His last gambling spree was last week. He lied said he was tired and went gambling. I told him how can you even ask me to come back when nothings changed. Of course I'm his bailout. I've dished so much money out to help him pay his bills because their all in disconnection status. I'm not giving him money anymore, not to blow it on slot machines. Am I wasting my time? I have a bad feeling he won't change.
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (2 February 2011):
 This has train wreck written all over it. This guy is hemorrhaging debt, is recovering from a divorce, lives with his mom, appears to have gambling issues, and worse is controlling and at least mentally abusive -- my question to you is: what's in it for you? Sure you may have feelings for him, but what are you getting out of this relationship?I hope you read your post over again and ask yourself, would you want your daughter / best friend be with a guy like the one you describe? Do you tell your friends this is your "dream man?"This guy clearly has a lot of issues. One of the signs of a controlling person is that they rush the relationship. You hardly knew each other and he professes his love for you. Worse, you move in with him. I know it's tough when you are in love, but let's face it -- you hardly knew the guy and now he's got you bailing him out.I would certainly look at cutting your losses on this one. He may change, but I wouldn't want to take that risk. There's too much at stake and almost always the controllers get worse the longer you are with them.In the first part of a relationship, you show your best cards -- you try to impress the other person. It hasn't even been a year and he's already pulling stunts like this on you.I don't mean to denigrate you, but I recommend you read Dr Laura Schlessinger's "10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess up Their Lives". She describes the situation you are in and how to avoid it. Good luck.
A
male
reader, Greasy  +, writes (2 February 2011):
Hi there,
Well you probably know this yourself, but I hope I can give your intuition some verbal back-up.
He
Will
absolutely
not
change.
And, what's more, there's no way you could change him unless you sneak up in the middle of the night & administer some sort of Star-Trek home labotomy kit. The gambling & dishonesty would be bad enough, but anyone whose insecurities are such that they demand that *you* adjust to suit them isn't mentally stable enough to sustain an adult relationship.
Run, run like the wind & change your PIN numbers!
...............................
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