A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It's a bit of a long story, bear with me. I have no friends nearby to ask advice from :(I'm 28 and have just given up my job and moved 200 miles to stay with my boyfriend.We have been together a year and a half. At the beginning of the relationship it was long distance and we both found it really hard. One night I was really missing him so I drove to his house to surprise him only to find he was out. His laptop was open on his bed and I totally innocently went on it, just to do facebook or something when waiting for him. I was shocked to see it was still logged on to a dating website and there were hundreds of messages, on various sites. I waited for his return and we argued, but realised we had something worth fighting for. He agreed to delete the profiles and let me help him do it. A few months later he gave me an ultimatum, he couldn't handle the long distance thing so either move down or it was over. I had a good job, lots of friends and family nearby, but I was bored and decided to take the chance, life's too short etc.Living with him has been great, we get on so so well, I thought it was the best decision ever. We're totally inseperable and love taking interest in what eachother is up to. He's really supportive and we have hardly had a cross word since I arrived. I decided to set up my own business and that has been going well too. Unfortunately now it's all gone wrong, partly due to my over curiousness ( and borderline obsession with snooping) which is making it really hard to know what to do. I had to go back home for a week and started to get more and more worried about the fact that my boyfriend wasn't being very communicative, hardly returning any of my calls and always having a terrible excuse as to why he hadn't. Alarm bells started ringing, reminders of the internet thing, he had so often ignored me at that first stage. I had found out his password through the previous encounter with the dating sites so i decided to log on to his email account. There were updates from two dating websites, but I couldn't really tell if they were totally active. So I got sneaky and made up a profile. I found a photo of a gorgeous girl on the web and filled it in to suit exactly his type and then winked at him. A few hours later I felt so terribly guilty that I wiped the profile, but couldn't find out how to delete it, but said to myself never look it again. I felt if I caught him with that it would be entrapment, i mean she was model type gorgeous and he's only a man. Now, he's gone on holiday with his brother for a month, and have only had a couple of emails from him, he's in a completely different timezone so I was expecting that. But true to form I'm going a little crazy again. I woke up in the middle of the night last night, totally paranoid, and logged on to my fake site. He had winked back. I got a bit brave and stupid then and decided to log directly on to his dating profile and looked at his history. In the past month ( there was no longer record) he hadn't used it at all until I set up that stupid fake profile, but had actually "winked" at another girl too , who was naked in her profile picture and lived only a few miles away :( There was no further contact with the other girl. When i got back from the trip home he seemed to have really missed me and told me he just wasn't feeling well so hadn't called much (I got the flu too the day after so i know this is genuine.) I found out that the site had been set up around the time he gave me the ultimatum to move down.Now I'm in such a dilemma, I hate what he was up to but I can't help but feel was a little bit my fault. Should I email him about it? Or wait until he gets back in 3 weeks (man I think I'll have a break dwon if i have to wait that long!) or just leave now. I really love him and everything is great apart from this trust issue which i know is so important. Also on a more practical level my business is starting well here and I love the place.I really don't want to leave but I really don't think I could afford to stay, we were sharing the rent and bills etc, the area I lived in before was far less expensive, but my business wouldn't work there. I really can't go back, it'll feel as if I've failed. Sorry for the rambling but I thought it important to get all the detail. He's really a good man, I think, but can be a bit silly and emotionally immature. I miss him so much at the moment, and know I really want to be with him, but I know I was wrong snooping and he might just finish it anyway because of that. My last relationship was abusive, and I was cheated on, this isn't nearly so bad. Now I know the worst of him, and I know in my heart he didn't actually cheat, I wonder if it is a case better the devil you know. I know I will never be able to totally trust a man again so if I finish this and find a new partner I'm scared this will just keep happening...Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe just called and was absolutley lovely, said how much he misses me and that it just isn't the same without me, I know now that he really doesn't want to lose me. I felt so guilty about reading his email, dreading what I'm going to have to say when he gets back, i guess I can't ignore it. Anyone got any advice at all?
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