A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello all. Ok, I have known this wonderful (I thought he was at the time) Highly intelligent and musically gifted man for 10 years, we met, we had sparks and I would see him on and off with our mutual friends. I knew the first time I saw him he was the one and I believe he felt that about me, he consumed my every thought and I his, if I dreamt of the future, he was in it and it turned out he did the same. Then I hear he went off and got married to a girl he had started sleeping with for the sake of it and loved, but by the time the wedding cam he had gone off her, him being him and hating confrontation and being a first prize emotional f**k up, went ahead and got married. I found out, heart sunk, then I thought, hey; guess missed chance to ever be with him. Six months later, we met (2 years ago now) when the mutual friends invited us out. The inevitable happened. We confessed after years how we felt, turns out our mutual best friend knew and never told either of us... he now tells me incidentally the reason why is has women issues and is notorious for begging a relationship with a woman, whilst still with another, usually after about 3 months he gets bored, and that he can not be without a woman ever! Also he is an alcoholic. I knew all this and still I fell. Eyes open with every bit of me. I just knew he was/is the one... I have my quirks and people who know me know this and I have accepted this from deep-rooted issues and I guess he connected to that. I for the first and only time in my life was myself that I didn't have to hide. So we kissed, we fell in love, I was jobless and homeless, having gone to uni as a mature student and moved out of the Uni house. I was sleeping on my brother’s sofa. We would meet 4 times a week, most weekends spend together and he would travel down 4 hours on the train to see me. He told her it was over, she knew and did her thing. He kept saying we would move in, I then got my own flat and found a job, he would come over and we would go out with our friends and talk for hours and I was due to go travelling for 3 months (booked way before him) he started a new job in his area and said he would get a transfer and sort it all out for when I was back, so I went. I came back and never sorted, whilst I was away, I emailed everyday and called, he emailed me twice, called once, said was too painful as f**ked with his head. I got back. Met me at airport, amazing. But he still hadn’t gotten a place, Xmas New Year came and he didn't contact me. I moved into a room at my friend’s house. Just a few weeks, month at most he said. He would come stay; we were rowing more like not done, as he wouldn't call me on the phone. Said still loved me still thought of me and the way his eyes lit up I knew he meant that. 5 months later, we are getting close, his looking at places and I think it will be soon. Then we have a bad row (I start it) and I go mental at him, were at our mutual friends house and then I run off, eventually that night he comes back to mine with me and we have a lovely night, wake up, so loves me, be up Tuesday and leaves. That was the last time I saw him. He called few days later, but missed his call. Voicemail was all normal. Then few weeks later an email to say his sorry for all that happened, could we make it right, loves me till he dies and I am perfect etc. I reapply saying it us, of course we can, but he doesn’t respond to that. Since then 4 months ago, we had a few texts here and then, none for month though, be saying what is going on, him ignoring me, then occasionally saying, It was not to do with me not loving you, I miss you so much feel sick, but you hate me. Then last weekend I went to our mutual friends, asking will he be back, as I have done for past few months, even though I am seeing a new guy now (who I like, but his a substitute and I think of my love all time still)I got told that I should forget him etc etc. That night I went through my friends phone (he asked me to read his grilf's text) we were both drunk and I did, I do not know what possessed me to keep scrolling down the phone, but I did. I then discovered messages from some girl to say Of course I am living with you, can't wait, place is amazing, LOVE YOU X X X X X X lots like this, dated few weeks back. I asked my friend what it this, know it can't be his girlfriend and he told me some pathetic story, before admitting the truth. It's his girlfriend, his crazy about her, his really worried inn fact as thinks it will be very serious, that she is REALLY the one works with her (remember I said he started that job before I went away) my friend said they have moved in together and his so sorry, He was sworn to secrecy as he does care for you and doesn't want to hurt you. He doesn’t want confrontation etc etc. That is it. He now knows I know, I am devastated over it all. I texted him recently in a weak moment, saying what happened to us, My life is shit and your all loved up etc etc. But I wont do that again and he never replied How do I move on from such a thing, am I really never gonna hear from him. I do not want him back, but I want him to regret what he does and hate that his happy and giving everything I want to someone else. I had created a life with him and I do not know how to get over what I wanted and will never have. I hate the fact he is in love with this probably normal and perfect girl and his so happyThank you for taking the time to read this
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alcoholic, best friend, drunk, fell in love, move on, moved in, moved out, spark, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Bobbyjo +, writes (11 October 2008):
 Its gonna take time for you to get over this. What he done to you was very cruel and deceiving, he built your hopes up and lead you on...only for you to find that the plans he promised you he was already doing with some other girl. And worst of all is hearing it from someone else. He couldnt even tell you himself - what sort of a man is that?
I know you have quite a long history of being close to one another, but I think you have tricked yourself into believing that he is this amazing guy who you love and will only ever love. This is crap. Firstly, hes not amazing...he walked all over you and has no respect for your feelings so take him off that pedestal youve placed him so high on. Secondly, you wont be able to fall in love with someone else if youre constantly comparing them to him. You need to get him out of your system completely.
I know its hard but you really do need to move on. Give yourself time to go through that grieving stage but try not to obsess over it. Break all contact with him totally. Ask your mutual friends not to get involved and not to tell you any gossip they might have heard. And most of all, try to stop thinking of the past. From reading your letter, I could see how strong your feelings are towards this guy because you seemed to remember everything, like what he said, when, where etc....I know that when you love someone you do remember these things but you need to forget about it now. Youre about to start a new chapter in life. Dont feel sad for the experience you have been through as you will find that it would have taught you a few things when it comes to your next relationship, as well as making you a stronger person.
Knowing that the man you really love is with someone else is the most painful feeling ever, but I promise you it doesnt last forever. The advice Ive written here for you is the advice that was given to me 3 months ago when my fiancee left me for another woman. At first I read it and thought "yea whatever, theres no advice thats gonna help me stop feeling this pain right now" but then gradually, after cutting him out my life and forgetting the past and looking forward to beginning a new chapter, I realised that I was over it. Yea it still hurts a bit but Im finding now I can go through a whole day without even thinking of him. I know you can do this too. x
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