A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i have been married to him for 11 years, we have 4 children. we own 2 businesses. at the end of the day i want to go to bed and he wants intimacy and/or sex. i HATE sex! I dont like being held, i want my space. i love him, we have built a life together. he wants things to be the way they "used" to be. he tells me i dont love him, i think he is ugly, not attracted to him. he touches me and i say no. he gets mad then we fight, then i give in and let him touch me and just want it to be over with. i just had surgery and am still in the recovery phase and he is already on me about being intimate. i feel like i am going insane. pressured. i just dont want to be intimate and right now i cant, but he wont leave it be. i am so frusterated. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2009): to the last anonymous female. you go girl. thats what i'm talking about. i never knew there was someone else on here that felt the way i did.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2009): All this seems to be about HIS wants and desires. Actualy by your posts your husband seems like a insensitive sex addict. I mean who has to have their hands all over their partners intimant spots all the time, who demads that a person has to sleep naked. Thats not really normal behaviour its creepy and perverted. Your not just a sex object you know, your a PERSON.Tell me what does your husband do for or to you that you really enjoy that makes you feel loved and valued?Anything? Im guessing not much so thats why you resent sex so much. Its all about him....YAWNYou have just had majour surgery DOWN THERE only an insensitive BRUTE would be pestering and whining for sex at this early stage in your recovery. If i had a husband like this I'd tell him to go f**k himself i.e. masturbate from time to time and leave me the hell alone!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): i am not judging you, but have read all your comments. I can understand your reasoning, really i do. I know the pain you are going through. But sometimes when we love somebody we actually try to make amends. For example, instead of normal penetrative sex, how about a blowjob, "a hand milkshake" or just normal touching and the like. I am not being insensitive to your situation, but your husband is craving some sort of intimacy and affection. Maybe also some love. In a marriage some people can exist without being intimate but your husband is not one of them. The positive side of your situation is that he is coming to his wife for the intimacy and not going elsewhere.This is an extremely sensitive situation so I am trying to be as gentle and sensitive as I can be. Take care and good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is the major problem that is jeapordizing my marriage. i have my feelings about respect of the women, no meaning no, and giving a woman that choice. he on the other hand doesnt consider me telling him i dont want to and no meaning no. he says things that make me feel bad like i am not understanding his point of view, so i just give in, let him do his thing, i cry the entire time, and so on
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): I really don't think men know exactly what women feel when they are problems with female areas. its not just a physical thing but emotional as well. we have alot of sensitivity going on with us. Endometriosis I don't know if you know what that is but sex is very painful. no cure except surgery and then you have to take pills to manage it. My b/f didn't understand how painful that was for me he always said i was rejecting him and it was hurting his feelings. So I made him come with me to the doctor and hear his side of whether or not i was putting on. sometimes men are very selfish. as long as they are getting it who cares what we feel. well my b/f sees alot different outlook not that the dr. made him aware of the condition that i have more understanding. (I'M NOT SLAMMING ALL MEN)don't want male advisers to get the wrong impression. I don't think you will ever get a clear and be clear picture of what is going on in your marriage until you heal completely and feel better about yourself and feel comfortable about your body. I wish you all the luck in the world with your recovery and marriage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno i dont think he is ugly, he has changed over the yeras but so have i. yes there were issues with intimacy before surgery and such. and he yes knows that at this time i cannot have intercourse per say but that doesnt stop him from trying to make out, touch feel and or try to make me and/or him climax. for me its all very uncomfortable at this time. without having penetration, we tried too get close, and did, but it was of the utmost discomfort so i have not wanted to go "there" since until i heal more, but he insists on still "trying" without penetration. i am not physically emotionally or mentally ready for that..
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): Honey you don't have to keep trying to prove to these people anything about you. the more you respond the more they will critize you. they don't care about your feelings. wait some of them don't care about your feelings. I would ask them a question. the ones that say they are married ask them why are they on the computer putting you down and questioning you when they could be with their wife or husband. you come for help and you don't recieve help you get hurt. so if they were up and up with their marriage they would be trying to give you advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes that would be a more accurate statement. raising both the intimacy and intercourse. its not like we are strangers as he would say, so i should be comfortable engaging in activities of such nature, problem is i AM NOT! and again let me state i am in the recovery process of having major surgery, a hystorectomy to boot! keeping my ovaries, but none the less i am not physically ready to engage in any activities of this nature, my body is still extremely tired. i went back to work after only 2 weeks, standard is 4 to 6. i started taking care of my kids as soon as i was released from the hospital, and not near capable of doing such, i could go on and on....thanks for your interest in this tho...a male perspective is appreciated
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGetting back at him? oh no! i do not play those kind of games. i take things very seriously. to me this is a very serious situation. my marriage is on the line. that is a BIG deal. i dont want people to judge me on here. i dont want others to assume that this is a joke or i am being stubborn. i have no interest in intercourse, no libido. maybe titling this "i hate sex" was a bad choice? idk...but this is far from some lovers game to me...
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): hi i think u are mixing the two thing intimacy and sex which are somewhat different and not the same.Since u HATE Sex.Being also disliking intimacy is like he has some problem some fault which u cant tell here. ORU really have grown out of the relationship of 11 years of marriage.And in dire needs of change, any change change of place, chnge of job,u need fresh air to feel u betterIf these wont change then in the end u can think of other changes too.U sound too negative also toward life in general.Have a positive outlook toward life.U need money to be happy not money makes u happy.U can separate from him for certain period of time to see whether u miss him or want him.or like to be with himAnd then u can think of other alternatives, Life give u many.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe tells me that i have created his insecurity by not being intimate. i have been a faithful wife since the day i married him. lifestyle changes. kids, finances, on and on. those stresses among him having medical issues for the past 8 years of our marriage, major life changes have created a gap in our relationship. he wants so badly for us to be close, intimate. i have panic attacks in the bedroom, feel closed in when he gets too close to me. i just dont know what is wrong with me. i feel like its all my fault. and i know how much it hurts him, it hurts me to know i am hurting him, i dont want to hurt him, but i cant seem to get past it. i have tried several hundred times. and i either cry or give in. he tells me to relax lay there and let him touch me, i feel pressured bc its not what i want. ugh!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah i do feel like its my fault. they way he expresses to me his feelings about what i am doing to him by not wanting and allowing him to touch me when he wants too..it has become a mental thing. i do it anyway
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): i am looking at the post that others have said and it seems that unless you are female i would think that its hard to give feedback on a situation that involves this lady and her sex life. I'm don't know everything but i do know that I am a female and i feel the same way she does. i hate getting undressed in front of my husband i hate having sex with him and it has nothing to do with him. we had two kids together and it seems that he don't understand what women go through in life as a mother. I get tired after working all day mothering all night. i like peace and quiet at night. i will not go to be nude although thats what he wants. sometimes i think that womens bodys change after becoming a mother. i know that i have went from a 3 to a 10 and i am ugly i feel that way. i have a very low self esteem about the way i look under my clothes. my husband also says the same things that her husband says. we sound so alike. and yes it has took a toll on my marriage. actually it has ended because of that. i feel like if you are doing it just to get him off of your back then he needs to get a life. you know sometimes it would be great to see a man live in a woman life and we worry the --- out of them about sex just to see how they react. I know how you feel. Its not that you hate sex but sometimes the urgency is not there. i haven't had sex in almost a year my divorce is almost final. i don't need it to live. you hang in there i wish you all the best in life. SORRY GUYS I WASN'T TRYING TO SLAM YOU.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 April 2009):
 It seems, then, that the real problem is that he wants you to be always willing and within arm's reach. I know that upsets many a woman.
It is sad that apparently there is no way out of this. It seems you have tried to let him know how you feel and he just disregards it. I think only you can decide what to do, but it sounds like your options are 1) to continue this way, or 2) to refuse sex absolutely. Which will in turn bring its own problems. But that is something only you can decide about.
Also, I would need to mention that the role of mother does not exclude the role of "woman". I'm sure you know that. Maybe the problem is, being a mother put many demands on your shoulders and you just had to focus on that.
I am sorry to hear about this. I hope you two can work out a solution.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have no problem with you discussing someone else's comment on my post. my husband and i have been struggling with the bedroom for years. after i became a mom my whole outlook on intimacy and sex changed. my role changed. my focus turned to being a mother. when i stated i hate sex, it has come over time. yes there are times when i want to be intimate but they are far and few between. not as much as my husband would like it to be. he states that i need to give myself to him 100% of the time. come to bed nude nightly, allowing him to touch me freely. in some marriages that is ok. but when it comes to my feelings and my body, i disagree with that. if i don't want to be nude in bed, i shouldn't have to be. i don't like getting up in the night naked. i don't sleep well naked. but in his eyes if i don't do what he asks then its a trust issue. he cant just hold me in bed at night it has to be touch all over and such. every night!
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (6 April 2009):
I believe you would need to determine whether you hate sex, in itself, whether you hate sex with him, or whether you hate sex with him at this moment, because you feel you're just recovering. As you can see, these are three very different things.
I don't think you hate sex in itself, or you wouldn't have four children and wouldn't have been married for four years. For the same reason, it seems you didn't hate sex with him. Only you know what it is that you really hate.
I believe you're having problems in your marriage, and those are reflected in your disliking sex.
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