A
female
age
30-35,
*elples
writes:I came home from college for summer vacation. Since I have been back, my mother and her husband (who doesn't live in the house) argue more than they did before I left to college. Mind you, I was a freshman. Every other day after she leaves to see him, she comes back gravely upset and talking about how he is never going to change, her and him are over, he always says "go hang out with your daughter." He gets on my case for no reason at all. Next thing I know, they are texting and they're okay but the cycle starts all over again. I haven't really given any advice since I came back because she never listened before. Until a certain incident happened that just made me explode. My mother highlights her hair a lot. She's always complaining about it but after she came back from the salon, she was really happy on how it turned out. She received many compliments from the family and quite a few friends. Well guess what her husband says about it? It's too yellow! I found this out the day after she got her hair done when she starts criticizing her hair. I knew it was because of him. She didn't admit it at first but then she said "well what do you think? Of course." I say to her this guy is no good! He doesn't like the family nor me, he hates your tatoo, he hates your current hair color (blonde, he wants it black), he accuses her of cheating on him (all because she works as a waitress at a strip club), he hates where she works (he always fights with her about it when she leaves her job), he never gives my mother any money for her to do anything like grocery shopping or even help her pay the bills when she's struggling, on any special holidays like valentines/anniversary/mothers day he stops talking to her (I think so he doesn't have to get her anything), everytime they go out to eat is where HE wants to eat, there are times when my mother cooks for him and he doesn't eat it on purpose, and twice he's made her walk home when they fight while they're out. All she says is "yea yea, you're right." Yet she keeps going back to him. I just can't watch her allowing him to do this to her. I have been so mad that I can't have a conversation with her. I cried for her today and all she said was " stop with your show, you're crying for little things." What can I do? Is this something I'll just have to get use to? I can't see her do this to herself for the remaining of the summer..
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (9 June 2010):
 Unfortunately, there's nothing you can say or do to or for your mother unless she wants to hear/see it for herself first.
You're absolutely right in your observation that this guy is no good. I'd say it's classic co-dependence, but I'm not a qualified head shrinker, so take it for what it's worth to you. I'd also hazard an educated guess that your mother suffers some self-esteem issues, too. She seems to believe she deserves the lousy treatment and abuse. That's also part and parcel of co-dependence. They need each other to feed the insecurities. (If you want more info on co-dependency see: way2hope.org there's a quiz there that helps you understand what this is)
I think all you can really do is try to emotionally support your mother and help build her self esteem. Also, don't be afraid to stand your ground on this guy being no good. I don't recommend arguing with her about him but remaining firm that you recognize his cruelty to her, certainly can't hurt. I feel for you, sweetie. This really has to be a tough thing to watch. Check out the site, it may prove useful to you. Good luck!
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