A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, i know people will have little sympathy for me but I cannot stay faithful.My parents died when I was 3 and I was raised by my aunt and uncle who never really had much time for me. They were'nt affectionate and in some ways seemed to resent I had invaded their life. They never wanted children. I married at 21 and was in an extremely abusive reltionship, sexually, physically and emotionally. We are now in the process of getting divorced. No kids are involved. I am with someone new, he's sweet loving and very patient with me. However I cannot stop myself from sleeping with other men. Since we have been together (8 months) I have cheated on him 4 times.I hate myself for doing it, but cannot seem to stop. He is aware and he puts up with it as he says he loves me and that it may be something I need to get out of my system. But I do not think I am capable of staying faithful.Please don't judge me too harshly, but i really need to try and understand why i behave like this
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female
reader, sappygirl  +, writes (21 January 2009):
 you can't be faithful because you don't respect your partner and the relationship you have together. Also , don't mean to sound harsh but cheaters are very selfish people who only think of their needs and nobody elses.
They want their cake and eat it too.
I too had a dysfunctional childhood. We all have, but you are in denial about how cheating can hurt another person. What you need to do is learn to love yourself first.
do things that will raise your self esteem and slowly you will realize you don't need these men to validate you.
In the end, sleeping around with all these guys are only going to hurt you because they don't care about you. its just sex. and women cannot handle the emotional side of sex like men can. So i think you should work on yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2008): i am the exact same thing, i love my boyfriend to the fullest and could not ever live without him. he have forgaven me about 3 times for cheating on him. and im so confused on why he is still with me, but it shows me how much he loves me. i love him. but i cant seem to stop cheating on him. i am guilty, and i hate myself for doing it. i love him. i wonder why i cant be faithful.
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A
female
reader, inloveoutofmind +, writes (12 July 2008):
i have never cheated on anyone but i understand why it is done. you have to first understand that cheating is a very selfish act and you shouldn't be selfish when you are in a relationship also take time to realize that he is patient but how patient can your man really be. you have to stop cheating for yourself and then think about your man. also i advise you to talk to your boyfriend and open up to him about how you feel once you see how deeply connected you are it will help to get your unfaithful ideas out of your head
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A
male
reader, previasc96 +, writes (12 July 2008):
You need to have more repect for yourself! How can you be in a relationship and you're busy sleeping with other's on the side? What do you think these other guys see you as? A whore is what they see you as. If you wanna sleep around, then don't be in a relationship. You have total control over the situation! Don't make excuses. It's either you're gonna give up sleeping around and experience what it's like to be in a loving relationship, or sleep around and get treated like a whore.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): Surely you feel loved and cared for by the man that so obviously does!?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): There is a Tibetan saying: "Knowledge must be burned, hammered and beaten like pure gold. Then one can wear it as an ornament", but “commitment must be burned, hammered and beaten like pure gold. Then it can display itself as marriage"
To be committed to somebody is a conscious choice you make; it is a conscious agreement between two people with certain boundaries; you seem to have a problem with the boundaries and choose to ignore them when it suits you;
Are you ready for commitment yet? You just came out of an abusive marriage, so quickly into a relationship again? Should you not be enjoying your freedom until you are ready for COMMITMENT?
BUT
Then you have to set your boyfriend free; it is unfair to hold onto him and the relationship.
I personally think you are not emotionally mature yet; you are craving the security of a loving relationship (taking your background in consideration, this will be a very strong NEED) however you need to be young and free and only commit when you are emotionally ready and not NEEDY.
Love yourself, don’t be to harsh on yourself; I suggest you get counseling; a few sessions with a counselor will help you to get perspective on your needs and wants and guide you to emotional maturity;
Then you should be more prepared to know when you are ready to make a commitment for the right reasons.
Do what is right; set your boyfriend free; get counseling and value life.
Best wishes and lots of SMILES.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionReply to oldfools question.
I feel all of those things. I like being desired and the flirting, however I feel empty and used afterwards, even though I have no right too. Nothing is really going through my head during the intercourse, I just want to enjoy it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): It sounds like you need reassurance that you are good person, and that your worth something to someone because of what you went through as a child. Those feelings (or emotional needs) are not going to go a way with out a lot of work. Since you know you are weak to the attention and advancments of the opposite sex, you need to make a consious effor to not put yourself in situations where cheating is an option. For example, dont go out and drink with guys that flirt with you without your boyfriend (not saying one on one dates, I mean group settings even).
You have an attention addiction problem, much like alcoholics have a substance abuse problem. So you need to deal with it in the same manner. People that know they are alocholics and want to change, stay away from situations were the temptation to drink will be present. They also go to counseling to work with their emotions of why they feel they need alcohol. Then after a couple of years of being without it, they can be around it again without out it being that big of a temptation.
It's a consious decision, you have to be willing to put the effort in if you really want to be that better person.
I'm not trying to judge, or preach, because I know what it's like to feel worthless and invisible because of your childhood. Good luck! You can do it if you really want to!
Hugs!
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A
female
reader, Katrien  +, writes (11 July 2008):
Hi there
Don't look for verification that you are worth something from other people. Esp encounters with men. They will tell you what you want to hear to get you into bed. It is almost addictive. Then you wont believe them and move on to hear another one say that you are special. The thing is, you dont believe it yourself, and until you do, thousands of men can say you are great, and it wont help.
What would your mom and dad say? I bet you think of them a lot. They probably loved you to bits. They wouldnt want you to hurt yourself or others with this ultimately destructive behaviour.
If you want to continue down this road, break up with the guy. Dont hurt him.
And dont hurt yourself. Please.
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (11 July 2008):
 Maybe other people have better knowledge of this sort of thing, but before commenting on this, I'd be interested to know exactly what goes through your mind when you sleep with other men. What are you thinking and feeling? Are you unable to resist men flirting and coming on strong? Are you unable to resist their invitation to sex? Do you feel sexually aroused when men give you attention? Or do you yourself initiate it? Do you go out with the explicit intention of trying out other men?
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A
male
reader, link2067 +, writes (11 July 2008):
 More than likely your cheating stems from life long feeling of emotional detactment. Coming from a family that "you say" didnt really want you, and being involved in an abusive relationship can do that. Atleast you are conflicted in your actions...You seem to feel so form of distress because you want to be faithful to your partner. It is often difficult to come to terms with what has happened in the past and people that have hurt you. Keep moving foward, remember that your current partner is not the one that was doing the hurting/abusing. He seems to be very patient with you and probably understands that you have had bad experiences in the past. Deep down on some emotional level you may be afraid to let yourself be happy in a committed relationship in fear that it will only lead to destruction. We all must move forward excepting life experiences, the good and the bad. Removing scars from years of damage can be a tough process. You may need to seek counseling if this is something that you feel that you cannot work through on your own.
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (11 July 2008):
 Nearly everyone is capable of staying faithful, much in the same way that nearly everyone is capable of avoiding anti-social actions like stealing. You write clearly and intelligently, and I don't believe you have some sort of mental disturbance that compels you to be unfaithful.
You are unfaithful because you want to be unfaithful, and what you seem to be doing is looking for excuses for your actions.
Does that sound harsh? Maybe. I think everyone, or nearly everyone, has the desire to be unfaithful at some point in any relationship. Most people resist it. Some don't. Some don't even try. I don't think you are trying. I think you are saying to yourself "I've had a tough life with loads of problems, so it's not my fault." Deep down you know that's not true and that's not the reason. Of course you want affection and love, physical as well as emotional. That's natural. Your past does have a bearing on this too, because you want to prove to yourself that there are plenty of people out there who can love you in various ways. You've done that. You've proved, at least four times now, that there are plenty of people who can love you. You've proved it to yourself without a shadow of a doubt. Now work out what you really want - this sweet, loving man you're with, or a series of partners, then move on and leave the past behind.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): Well what urges you to cheat on someone?! I'm trying to avoid being harsh on this because I'm pretty strong with how I feel about people cheating on each other. Particularly with the boyfriend that you have. Why would you want to cheat on him?!
If you still don't know, I don't know. Maybe your not ready for a proper relationship yet through the divorce. Maybe you want to be free?! I really don't know...
Maybe you should go to the consuellor once or twice to see if they have any idea. It might seem like a minor problem but, it might help if you really desperate to find out.
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