A
male
age
41-50,
*ruce lee
writes:I think I hate my sister. Is this normal, or should I do something to communicate better with her? She is deaf. And she has a jealousy complex. She always wants to know what I'm doing with my time, and treats me like she thinks she is my mother. She is about 2 years older than me.Do not misread this. I'm not a misogynist or anything. It is rare for me to hate anyone. But I find her to be a stickynose b**tch. Why doesn't she get a life, so she will butt out of mine?I don't want her in my life. And I no longer have any sympathy for her because she is deaf.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (19 May 2010):
 I would say you probably don't hate your sister. You find her behavior annoying. I wouldn't ever use the words "hate" to describe you feel about someone, that would be my advice.
There's an old saying along the lines of "hate the sin, not the sinner" that might be apropos. Learn to distinguish between the person and the behavior. Address the behavior that is bothering you, don't attack the person, if that makes any sense.
And when you do discuss the behavior, use more neutral words. Do you know the difference between neutral and potentially charged words?
"You make me so angry I could rip your head off." vs. "I find what you are doing to be very troubling."
"I hate you!" vs. "This action makes me upset."
Do you follow?
A
male
reader, bruce lee +, writes (19 May 2010):
bruce lee is verified as being by the original poster of the question Yeah. Yeah, I reckon you might be right. I'll have a talk to her about these things. I might write her a letter. She is in Tasmania at the moment.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 May 2010):
As for your psychologist, was he talking about something specific when he made that statement? Because while on the whole I would agree with him, the fact of the matter is that we go through life making assumptions and doing things based on those assumptions.
In this context, your sister assumed that you don't mind her having a taste of your food. She assumed incorrectly, this doesn't mean she deserves to be hated for it. She needs to be told by you, gently and respectfully, that you would prefer her not to eat from your plate. It is not a major crime requiring punishment; it is a minor, thoughtless infraction of the rules of common courtesy.
I break that rule often, as I will take my fork and take a bite of something from my husband's plate. But I know he doesn't mind, as he does it to me too. It has been discussed and agreed upon by us.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 May 2010):
My husband and I will share bites of our meals if we are out at a restaurant; we like food and we like to see what the other is enjoying.
My dad, on the other hand, hates to have any of his food touched by anyone.
So it's a personal preference. I do wonder why she would eat food off your plate at home, if she is the one who made it? Is she the cook? Maybe she just wants to test that it's okay and is doing it from your plate instead of the pot or pan or bowl? Either she is rude or she doesn't realize that she is taking liberties with your food.
I think the best way to handle it is to tell her, "Sis, it bothers me when you take food from my plate. Please don't do that any more. Thank you for your consideration. I don't mean to be rude and I assume you don't mean to be rude, but I find it very bothersome. I appreciate your understanding."
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A
male
reader, bruce lee +, writes (19 May 2010):
bruce lee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand where you're coming from Tisha-1, but you still haven't explained why she wants food off my plate when Im eating. Still, you are very smart and you have given a good answer. I'll think about the whole thing. I had to look up the word inquisition. I think it means a relentless questioning segment, or something similar to an interrogation.
But correct me if I'm wrong, I thought no-one was entitled to anything in this world. I thought that everything was a privilege.
You can't have it both ways. My Psychologist lectures me on how everything is a privilege, not a right, so how is this any different?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 May 2010):
Okay, let me describe what I do with my brother and sister. I call them (we don't live together) and ask how they are doing. What have they been up to? How are they feeling (they've had medical issues)? I ask details about their daily lives because I care about them. This is normal family and friend social interaction. This is not an inquisition, I am not a nosy person; I care about them and am genuinely interested in their activitie and I want to know what they are up to. It's courteous to ask how someone is doing.
It's possible that you interpret your sister's questions as intrusive and controlling when all she is doing is trying to know how you are and what you are doing, to be polite.
It does not sound polite to throw out a family member out of the living space she is entitled to. That sounds selfish and controlling of YOU to do to her.
Have you had problems on walks or exercising before? Perhaps her wish for you to let her know when you are going on a walk is concern for your well-being. Do you go for walks at odd times? Like between the hours of 10 pm and 5 am? Do you get lost or have problems on these walks? Have you experienced difficulty when you have exercised in the past?
Of course, if you have had no problems, and have experienced no difficulties with your walks in the past, then her wanting to keep tabs on you may be too intrusive. Or it could be that she simply would like to know when you leave the house so she knows where you are. That is simple courtesy to the person you share living space with.
But if she's no longer living with you, why is this still a problem?
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A
male
reader, bruce lee +, writes (19 May 2010):
bruce lee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe does not work. She does sewing somewhere as a course. She doesn't live with me anymore because I kicked her out of the unit. She owns two thirds and I own one third.She tried to control my life by telling me that she didn't want me to leave the unit very often, ruining my meals by wanting food off my plate, and telling me when I could or couldn't exercise.She expects me to ask permission to go for a walk. I'm not a kid anymore. I don't need permission off anyone to go for a walk.Do I need to elaborate ???What I do with my time is my business. It's got nothing to do with her if I choose to walk to the local shopping centre to buy something. Does it?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 May 2010):
I think we need more information. Please answer the questions Neera asked, it would be helpful. Thank you!
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A
male
reader, bruce lee +, writes (19 May 2010):
bruce lee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCan I just say something? What relevance does gender have here? Why does it matter that I'm a guy? Are you saying that life is better for guys than it is for girls?
Please explain.
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A
female
reader, Neera  +, writes (19 May 2010):
Well, do you blame her for being jealous? She is deaf, and a girl. You can hear and you are a guy!
I know, nosey sibs can be a pain, but believe me, they are so much better than indifferent ones. In any case, she takes an interest in what goes on in your life. I wish my brother did that for me. He always seems to be pushing me away. It really hurts.
And you made your point when you say 'why doesn't she get a life' - maybe it's hard for her because of her handicap?
How does she try to control your life? Does she stay with you? Maybe you can move away for a bit and keep in touch through emails/letters?
In absence of a normal life, people cling on to whatever little they can to feel 'needed' maybe by mothering you she is trying to 'fit in'.
I am sorry but your question had very little info: What does she do? Does she work? Maybe getting her out of the house and into some outdoor activity might do the trick.
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