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age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: Hi, I have more of a health question than a love question but it does pertain to my relationship.Agony Aunts please help! I'm a young woman who's been having periods for almost three years and they've been so irregular lately, with terrible cramps two or three days before hand. My doctor briefly mentioned my participation on the swim team could cause it to be irregular as more active girls experience irregular periods. However its affecting me in other ways and scaring me. I hang around with my boyfriend a lot and we have a few mutual friends or dating friends. For example "Callie" and "Andrew". Callie is one of my friends and Andrew is one of his best friends so double dates work quite well but one time I overheard Andrew telling my boyfriend Callie was flying off the wall and he joked saying "it must be her day of the month" My boyfriend didn't realize I was walking up to him behind him in the hall and said, "You know what? I never know when my girlfriend's on her day, she doesn't change at all. No mood swings no nothing,"That's what got me thinking, I realized that until the cramps and the blood appeared on some of my heavier periods I never knew I was having them or felt any different. So a few months ago I kept track of my period and tried to study how my emotions lashed out and control them. They didn't for the most part, during my period I didn't fight with anyone and had no mood swings that I was aware of, except for with one person. My mother. Every little thing made me want to lash out at her, her jokes which just usually annoy me enraged me, and her comments sent my blood boiling. My mother and I have always been on pins and needles together, never quite a real mother-daughter relationship, which drives me nuts. You're supposed to love your mom right? Trust her? Tell her everything? I can't I just can't do it. The ones I do trust above all else is my Grammy, and my Pappy, and my Dad. My mom just sort of fell out of place before I even realized it. It could be due to the fact the two families hate each other, or rather my mom's family hates my dad's. They're so stiff and formal it just makes me so angry. My own mother won't even call me by my first name, she calls me Miss -(insert last name)-, or instead of the shortened form of my name she calls me my full name which I've always hated and my Dad, Grammy, and Pappy only reserve for when I'm in big trouble. Her whole family is like that, I'm never me I'm Miss -(insert last name)- to all of them. I just hate it, I'm not a stranger, I'm her daughter!!! I want to be called my name! Is it so wrong to be so mad at her when she does this? It scares me how angry I get at her and her family. They're completely opposite from my Dad's family. Sometimes I don't even feel like I belong to my mother's family, while my Grammy, Pappy, and Dad raised me and my mom only had time to say "Miss" and such. Every time she calls me it I look down at her (I've recently grown taller) and say, "My name's not Missy." And then I'm so angry, and so scared that I am, and then so guilty that I feel this way towards my own mother. Every time she asks, "How was school?" or "How was your day?" I'm ready to fall off the wagon, lashing out at her in my mind, "You don't care, you ask because you have to, none of the -(insert mother's maiden name)-'s care!!" While earlier that day I'll have spewed out a novel about my day to my Grammy and Pappy and Dad.I love my mother, at least I think I do, I know I'm supposed to but I just don't know why I'm so angry at her, I blame her for her family's problems and I know I shouldn't but they're all the same, all like sheep following the orders of the matriarch, our great aunt. I feel like my mom's an aristocrat and my dad's a pauper the way they're so different. Where my mom's family is rich, and haughty, and cold, and sad, and obedient; my dads-no-my family is middle class, humble, funny, warm, happy, loving, and free. Even my dad will say, "I think your great Aunt brainwashed them" or "You have more -(insert last name here)- in you than -(insert mother's maiden name)-" I'm just so guilty that I hate half of my family but sometimes I think I do, they're so fake, and hypocritical, and formal, and I don't think they know how to love. Before I was even born my mom's parents told my parents they would never be family to me, they would always be "the other grandparents" they didn't want me or my dad, we're both black sheep to my mother's family. My dad because of the reasons listed above and me because I'm refusing their ways and embracing my dad's. And her family are the worst gossipers in the world, they talk about my cousins who go against what they want as if they were scum, they nearly disowned my one cousin because she didn't send them a thank you note for her wedding gift even though they didn't go to her wedding and loudly voiced their complaints about her husband. And my "other grandparents" are twice my parents age and when my grandpa was very sick my dad found me crying and I told him, I wasn't drying because I was afraid he would die, I was crying because I wasn't sad like I would be if my Grammy died, the thought of which even makes me sick in the stomach. And when an aunt I'd never met on my mother's side died, not a single person cried at her funeral. It wasn't until an hour later at the church that my mom shed a tear, and my other grandparents cried maybe for a minute. My Grammy's always said they don't know how to love so they are lost when it comes to losing love.And my mother is always ranting about how she pulls the weight in my family, about how without her, we'd have a lot less, and all my dad's mistakes and I just get so angry when she does it. My dad is a hard worker, and every business is struggling, and I'm just so angry that she judges him like that and complains to her thirteen year old daughter.I'm getting off track here, I just thought you should know some backstory, but my question is this: is my complicated family life somehow leaking into my hormones and causing me to lash out at my mother during my period?Am I a bad person because I can't love my mother's family? Is it wrong to be this way with your own mother? A mother is a comfort, a blessing, and with every mother except my own I notice how loving and gentle they are, and wish desperately mine was like them. Am I just a bad daughter? How can I control my emotions, they scare me,you're not supposed to hate your mother but everything wrong with her family just flows through my head during my period and I get angry so easily with her. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone, I don't think i could bear to tell my dad I'm so angry towards his wife, and my mother when he's on such good terms with his own, and how could I tell my Grammy about this when she and my Pappy often say, "We're not your parents, we can't replace your mother, but we love you, and we're here if you need us." They have been too, since I was three months old, my mom I only see for three hours every weekday and I shut myself in my room or stay outside when she's home on weekends, her family I see once every five months and they expect me to love them like I do my Grammy and Pappy. And I want to but I just can't.That's whats scaring me, and how the anger levels tie in with my periods, and I'm so guilty because I should love my mother and my family but sometimes I don't think I can.Are my hormones causing my lapses into anger? Am I a bad person to feel so confused and angry towards my mom and her family?Please help,
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (22 September 2010):
 You are not a bad person to feel this way. You cannot help feeling what you feel and the hatred and anger you feel inside is caused by two things. The first is that your mother's family go against everything you believe to be good. You said they were cold and unloving yet and they expect too much in return. Consider that your mother may feel the same way, she may not want to be that way but she has to in order to gain the respect and love of her family. The second reason you feel this way is because inside you feel betrayed. Your mother is supposed to be loving towards you and yet you do not feel it there. That is why you feel so much hatred towards her.
Have you talked to her about it? Have you told her that you do not feels more like the object of your anger than your mother? If she really does love you, regardless of the fact that she does not know how to express it, she will feel the pain a mother should feel when her daughter tells her that she doesn't feel love towards her. If you tell her, listen to what she says and perhaps, if you are able to draw some admittance of her true emotions, you will understand her and maybe then, all that betrayal will disappear and you will feel sympathy and a want to set things right.
I hope that helps.
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