A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I hate my husband! I'm am clumsy person and makes unintentionally tiny mistakes. He always calls me stupid, retard, etc. I have a master's degree and I come from a good family. I don't call people's names even if I am mad. My husband said I'm weak as I don't cuss at people and I let people take advantage of me. I know I am too nice but I'm not stupid. I may be stupid as my parents sheltered me. I was their first child when they were forty.Anyway, I'm a U.S. citizen but I'm not from this country. Every time, when we fight, my husband said he would drive me to an airport and send me back to my country. He wants me to give him a good intercourse but he called me stupid, retard, do you think that could turn me on. He's turning 40 and retired from the army. I think he has this midlife crisis, what do I do? I f---ing hate him for putting me down. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2020): I really hate those kind of man, they can only do that to their either wife or partner. They are abusing their partner because they know their partner or wife is too Soft. My partner for almost 5 years is just the same and im starting hating him too. But when he is telling me some words which im not Happy to hear im instantly showing and telling him that i am not accepting it. And i will turn around and dont talk to him, whatever he do, i will show him that im not scared to lose him. Its not easy, he is trying to adjust but if its already their behaviour, then it will not Change easily anymore. If you can afford to live alone i would say, face him, show him he is wrong. Some people like that, we taught will change if we show them more love, but no, they will not Change anymore.. they are simply immature and know lack of respect to their partner.. i pray for you a courage to be strong...
A
female
reader, Keeley345  +, writes (8 May 2020):
This isnt a healthy r/ship. Emotional abuse is going on. Whatever his own issues are is irrelevant. He has no right treating you this way. My advice is to end this r/ship. I get you married him for love but you're getting none. Please leave before he grinds you down to your lowest.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2020): I was in the same boat. My ex would abuse me constantly. I was told, by a licensed professional, that it will only go on as long as you allow it to.
If he says you should go back to your Country, tell him this is your country. You would be better off in a shelter than living with the abuse every day.
You will have to be the one to leave, which is what he fears you will do. If he can keep you beaten down, then you will be with him. If you get some self-respect, you will walk. Once you walk, keep going, no matter what he says or promises, do not return. You are better than that. It may take a while, but you will be happier living with yourself than living with a person you hate.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2020): Why are you still married to him? I don't mean to sound glib in just dumbfounded that someone with a master's degree and from a good family would stay for a minute with someone who called them retard.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2020): Oh my!You are being abused.You are now a strong American woman so no you do not take that from anyone.Get a divorce lawyer....even if he says no you do not need one.You really need one to get you all the money you deserve for being abused.Abuse like his is not normal.In the USA women have equal rights....which means you never ever as a woman here have to put up with abuse.He does not love you look at how he treats you.Lawyer up today and find a happy life with no abuse.
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp +, writes (6 May 2020):
Doesn't sound like there is much hope of him changing so guess what? It's down to you to force change. Walk away and start a new life. The longer you leave it, the more time you waste. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Start enjoying it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2020): To start with you must have faith in yourself. You must have confidance in yourself. You must believe in the fact that everybody are prone to making mistakes big and small mistakes. You are no different. If you have a masters degree that is prove enough that you are not stupid or retarded. Also you are an American citizen so he can not force you to leave America. Listen to aunt Honeypies advice. Start making plans to leave this horrible man and rely on yourself. If you don't have any kids from this man that makes it a lot easier to leave him. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2020): [EDIT]:
Typo:
"Until he realizes that you're serious."
"You feel he needs anger-management counseling; and has been somewhat desensitized due to his regimental-training in the military; or maybe he has post traumatic stress disorder."
Don't be afraid of him, do whatever it takes to legally defend yourself. An honorably-discharged soldier becomes a Veteran of the Armed Forces. Recognized for our service for the rest our lives. If he or she has served their country with honor, dignity, and valor; that soldier owes it to his or her family to carry this honor with them at all times. You swear an oath when you enlist into the armed forces.
The purpose of their/our service was to preserve the peace, honor the flag, defend civilians, and keep our borders secure. We don't stain the uniform by being bullies; and mistreating our spouses, family-members, and friends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2020): You should consult with a divorce-attorney; and determine what your spousal-rights are. Then I would offer him an ultimatum. Drag him to marriage-counseling, or offer him a divorce.
You both need a licensed-professional counselor and moderator to sit between you; and mediate, as you both hash it out. He's a bully; so it will take a third-party to level the playing-field. Otherwise, he will just drill you into the floor. He was trained to do that.
You will have to can-it with being the prissy-miss goody-two-shoes; when your husband is verbally-attacking you, and insulting your intelligence. You modify the behavior by addressing the issue as seriously and promptly as possible. Stop and admonish the behavior on the spot! No tears, no cowering, and you stand your ground! Insist that he stop doing it, and you don't want him to ever do it again!
If he calls you stupid, ask him then and there...what gives him the right to be verbally-abusive towards you? Call it what it is, to get his attention. Firmly inform your husband that abuse is exactly what it is!!! Legally, intimidating and abusive-language used with aggression is considered domestic-violence! You feel over-powered and helpless. General arguments and heated-exchanges that couples normally have don't fall into this category. When he calls you stupid, or retard, he has crossed that line!!! He has made it a habit of degrading and belittling you.
Insist that he never use that kind of language in your presence again! You will not stop him. The point is to inform him you're not taking it anymore! Undoubtedly, it will have to be repeated several times. Until he realizes that your serious. If he wants to know what you'll do about it; tell him that you're contemplating a divorce under the grounds of mental-cruelty and abuse. You feel he needs anger-management counseling; and has been somewhat been desensitized due to his regimental-training in the military; or post traumatic stress syndrome. PTSD doesn't occur if a soldier has never once seen combat! Then it's just bad-behavior, because he is an abusive and bullying jerk!
If he has seen any action or served in combat; he may have PTSD; and might require a mental-health evaluation. It would be for your own protection. You want to call it a middle-aged crisis; but it's abuse!!! He's threatening you! Driving you to the airport against your will; that's crazy stuff!
In the military, part of our basic-training is being yelled at and having insults hurled at you. It's to toughen us up. Superior brass and non-commissioned officers often bark orders; and they don't mince words. They use salty language almost all the time; and you tend to get pretty used to it. The swearing will melt your ears!
Male and female recruits, and active-servicemen and women, are pretty accustomed to the rough language.
Military code requires proper-discipline and behavior in the presence of civilians. The name-calling and insults are also restricted from the use of racial-slurs, remarks that provoke subordinates, and comments regarding sexual-orientation. Other than that, the sky's the limit!
Career-soldiers tend to be very rough around the edges; especially army and marines. He didn't learn to tone-down the rhetoric and abusive-language around you; and there is no excuse for it. Even in civilian-life, we still represent the uniform. That requires all soldiers to use proper deportment around our families and civilians. The honor follows us to the grave. Your husband is simply verbally-abusive; and he needs to be checked and reminded he isn't speaking to a 6-foot muscled 190-pound grunt with tattoos! He's is speaking to his wife! He needs professional-counseling to remind him; if he can't speak to you in a proper-manner.
If you're going to be a dainty little powder-puff with a former-soldier for a husband; it's going to be a pretty rough ride! The military wives I've known were as tough as nails; because they ran a household alone. They had to raise their kids, while their husbands were deployed; and they had to make sacrifices that pushed them to their limits. I thank both the spouse and the soldier, for their service! The spouse is just as deserving for whatever he or she had to sacrifice for their beloved to do their duty. Only, some in uniform are nothing but jerks; or may be in need of some serious mental-healthcare counseling and therapy.
I think counseling, to remind him his behavior is abusive should do it; but it is unlikely he will submit. Unless you let him know it is either that; or you will leave him! If you are a soldier's wife, this shouldn't be news to you! Soldiers who have seen combat are often not themselves; but if they don't seek help for the safety and benefit of their families. They dishonor their service, themselves, and the people who love them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2020): People will treat you how you allow them to. Tell him this is making you hate him and not want to be intimate with him. He will likely try to brush it off that he was “just kidding” or tell you not to take it so seriously. Make it clear that’s not how YOU see it. You feel how you feel about it, and you can’t help that. Then give him an ultimatum: the insults stop now. If it happens even one more time, you’re leaving him, and stand by it. If he begs you for another chance, just say, “hey, it’s not like I didn’t warn you. You already were given another chance.”
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (5 May 2020):
 What do YOU think you should do? What do you WANT to do? You have two options: get out or live for the next however many years being verbally abused by this horrible man. What do you think you deserve?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 May 2020):
 I think you should back your bags and leave.
He isn't going to stop treating you this way. He doesn't see you as his equal. And that might BE because you are better educated than him.
People don't call people they CLAIM to love for derogatory names.
I'd say make SURE you have ALL important papers (yours) in your bags, don't wait for him to "send" you home. Book a flight (AS soon as you can) and go home. You don't deserve to be his verbal punching bag, clumsy or not. NO one does.
Now if you WANT to stay in the US, then you NEED to find a job so you can move out and live on your own, and divorce him.
I can't imagine living like that. And I don't feel anyone should just "suck" it up.
I don't cuss at people. That doesn't mean I'm weak. Letting people take advantage of you is something you ought to work on because no everyone out there are good people. Doesn't mean you have to cuss them out. You just need to learn to say no.
You have to decide what YOU want for the rest of you life. Do you want to live with a man who treats you this way? Or not?
If it's no, then you need to make yourself an exit plan. Find a job, open a bank account, keep your personal documents safe, save up and find a place to live that you can afford. And then leave him. Start over.
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