A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Okay so I've been with my boyfriend for about a year, I am 15 and he is 17. The major problem for us is that I absolutely can not stand his mother. I don't want to say hate, because that is a powerful word, but it is definitely getting there. I His mother is CONSTANTLY rude and disrespectful to me, her son (my boyfriend), and our relationship. What does she do exactly, well obviously when he comes over my parents want him home at a certain time. That almost means nothing to her. The time is 10 and she'll be there at 10:30. She makes her own time. And that really pisses my parents off. My boyfriend plays soccer, so he would go have a hard practice and shed take him to the mall for two hours while he's starving and wants to shower. She'll tell him he'll take me to my house at 6 and it'll be 8 by the time she gets him here. My boyfriends tenth grade year in high school he was diagnosed with major depression/anxiety and missed four months of school that year and is currently enrolled in cyber school. His mother is constantly up his ass about it, which in my opinion is appropriate, but not at all a conversation in front of me. She was driving us somewhere and practically put him in an anxiety attack screaming at him. And I calmly and respectably took the reins and stuck up for my boyfriend. And he told me the other day she said I absolutely should not have done that, and I'm like are you kidding me? I wouldn't change what I did because I was right. She's just upset she embarrassed herself.She also will not let him get him license. She says its because she can not afford helping him pay for car insurance and his job isn't consistent enough to pay for it by himself. But for him not to be able to afford it he would have to only get called in only one time a month for work and that's pretty much impossible. She try's to throw the single mother card and she's poor. If that's true how can she afford 700 dollar season tickets for football every year, remodel the basement, and have thanksgiving catered? My boyfriend had also asked for money for Christmas, and she said she didn't want him to blow it on stupid stuff, she kinda glanced at me then back at him. So she refereed to me as stupid stuff. She does that kind of thing to me alllll the time. Bite my tongue so hard around her. And I feel like this is tearing my relationship apart. He says I'm right and that he doesn't like her much either but she's still his mother and he loves her. I just don't want to be around her ever again. I don't want to hate her, for my boyfriends sake. Especially because I plan on being with him for awhile. I guess my question is, how on earth do I deal with this? What can I do to make sure my boyfriend and I don't argue about my hating his mother? And is there anything I can do, to respectably approach his mother about how I feel? I don't want to cross a line and do something unreversable to either mine and my boyfriends relationship or mine and his mothers.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2012): I understand why you all would think I was immature.My boyfriend is 17 and doesn't have his license because he was clinically depressed and didn't leave his house for months. No there is not a bus that will take him around. If there was it'd be easier for him just to walk, and the roads have no street lights and are in. The woods. Non of you think that in the year I've been with him I TRIED to like her?And the reason my parents don't take him anywhere is because they don't want to help any guy get close to me ever again. When I was 13 I dated a senior who beat me and well worse but I don't think it's your business what all that horrible worthless human did to me. My parents said they would never make the mistake of giving a guy the benefit of the doubt again. I came on this site looking for advice about him mother treating me disrespect-ably. But instead I get yelled at like I'm an idiot. You people don't know half of the story so try to help instead of saying I should have been slapped in the face.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (27 November 2012):
 As the other aunts have said, in the nicest possible way, you need to grow up I'm afraid.
Your boyfriend at least seems a bit more mature than you, he said that while he doesnt like her much she's his mom and he loves her. You cant change your family, so you cant change his mother - if you love your boyfriend you have to learn to get on with his mom and accept her for who she is.
Lets go through each of the issues you have outlined.
1. Times - she keeps her own time and is late picking your boyfriend up. There are 2 solutions to this: 1) Your parents have a quick word with her to explain that they are unhappy with her being late so often, and there is a reason why they have set 10pm as your curfew. 2) Your boyfriend saves his own money up and stops relying on mummy to pay for everything, and gets a license.
She is nice enough to still drive him around everywhere despite him being 17 (are there no buses where you live?), and she has her own life, so if she cant get him to your house until 8pm then that is the way it is. She shouldnt have to organise her life around when her son wants to see his girlfriend, if he wants to see you he needs to figure out a way of doing it. But if he wants mummy to be his taxi then he has to go with her rules - and you need to accept that too. She is doing you both a favour by driving him around, without her you wouldnt see him at all.
2. Screaming at him in front of you - yes its not appropriate, but she is his mom and can do what she wants. You have no right to get involved, so if it happens again dont say anything. I know you want to stick up for your boyfriend, but I bet your parents wouldnt be pleased if your boyfriend got involved if you were having an argument with them. Just stay out of it next time, when you grow up you will soon learn that there are many times when adults behave badly and say nasty things, but it is not your place to say anything about it.
3. She wont let him have a license - this isnt true, she just wont pay for the car insurance. Which is fair enough. My parents never bought me a car or allowed me onto their insurance, they wanted me to stand on my own 2 feet and support myself. Even if you think she can afford it (you dont know what her finances are like so you cant comment) she might want her son to learn to support himself without relying on mom all his life. If he cant get to his job without a car, why doesnt he look at getting a job he can get to without a car? Again, there must be some sort of public transport in your area, getting the bus and walking isnt a big deal. He needs to get the money himself, he is growing up and needs to learn to support himself financially. If you want anything in life you need to save up to get it - this is a valuable lesson for you 2 to learn.
4. The 'stupid stuff' comment. When she looked at you she didnt mean you were 'stupid stuff', she will have meant that she was worried he might blow it on presents for you, or you two going out for dinner or the cinema etc. She didnt mean it personally, she just meant that teenagers tend to waste money on frivolous things and she didnt want him to waste it on him enjoying himself with his girlfriend. She wants him to do something positive with it, like saving up for the car insurance perhaps!
5. So how do you deal with it? You grow up, accept she cannot be changed and learn to get on with her. Show her you are mature, understanding and surprise her with how nice you are being. The last thing she will expect from you is for you to be mature and overly nice to her - so shock her! Buy her a lovely Xmas gift, ask if she needs any help if she is ever cooking dinner when you are around, or help her clear up. Do as many nice things as you can think of for her, make her like you. Moms are protective over their sons, and it can be hard for them to let go and allow another woman into their son's lives. So if you show her how lovely you are then it will make it easier for her to let go of her boy.
Your boyfriend will appreciate you making an effort with her, because as he said he loves her, and he will want you 2 to get on. Even if she says a rude comment, just keep biting your tongue and rise above it. That is a true sign of maturity, to be able to rise above any negativity and keep being nice to the person who is being rude to you. If you hate her she has won, so do the thing she least expects and be super nice to her.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (27 November 2012):
How to deal with this? You'll have to deal with this by growing up, dear. I know you won't like what I'm going to tell you and probably what everyone else is going to tell you...but sorry, you're wrong in many ways and very naive.
If you KNOW she's late to pick him up on a regular basis, as well as your parents, but still get mad every time she picks him up late--they why don't they give him a ride home? How about they don't let their 15-year old daughter have her boyfriend over? I know I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend at 15.
"Calmly and respectably took the reins and stuck up for my boyfriend." Are you joking?! You're lucky she didn't slap your little face and tell you to walk home. She's awfully nice to let her son see you again. Regardless how "calmly" or "respectably" you "took the reins" what you did was very disrespectful and rude. You're a child; she's an adult.
Do you know how much is costs to insure a new male teenage driver? Umm a lot. You're also forgetting that gas is really expensive and that's what makes a car go and I'm sure he'll want to drive you to all sorts of lovely dates, which also costs money.
Being a single mother means it's tough for her. Whatever she does with her money is her business--if she gets a few things to make her life a little easier or more enjoyable, she's kind of entitled to it, she is an adult that makes her own money.
Sorry, but his mother sounds like she isn't a stupid lady and you and your boyfriend are being a couple of silly teenagers. You'll hate all these answers now and say we "just don't understand" but any adult has been there and done that, and what you're complaining about is NOTHING. Respect his mother and however she chooses to raise him is her business. He's 17 and if he really wants his license and/or money, he can get a job; he's almost an adult now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): May be his mother is not the smarter woman on earth, it's not your place to judge. You don't like her, she is awkward, makes you feel uncomfortable, it's understandable. It will be really beneficial for your sake to be easy on her.She is late to pick your boyfriend up, she does all kinds of mistakes, she is older, she makes mistakes like all of us. Train yourself not to be mad at her, it's not doing anything good to your relationship.The older you get the more you realize the importance of keeping piece with people. I ruined so many friendships over nothing, getting mad at people for silly reasons, I regret about it.He loves her, he is a good son, you are his girlfriend, you shouldn't be the cause of his frustration. He knows his mother very well, he knows all her faults, but he forgives her and keeps loving her. He is a good man, that's all that matters.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (27 November 2012):
 If your boyfriend wants money for Christmas what's to stop him earning it?
And hey you! If a single mother wants to use HER income to buy seasons tickets and remodel her basement and have a thanksgiving dinner catered for well that's her freaking business not yours! What sort of sense of entitlement give you the right to be saying what this woman should be spending her money on?
Her money and her child. If she decides not to pay for him to get a licence for VERY VALID reasons that is her business and not yours.
If your parents want your boyfriend gone by 10 and his mother isn't there is there no public transport? If the place is so small there is no public transport can he get himself a second hand bike??
If your boyfriend knows his mother is likely to talk him to the mall after soccer practice why cant he pack himself a sandwich in case he feels hungry?
You are a madam at 15, and your boyfriend is a boy of 17 and that's the reality of this situation.
Don't like his Mom, too bad, don't like the way she acts, too bad, don't like the decisions she makes, too bad, don't like what she spends her money on, too bad!
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