A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I got engaged to my boyfriend and we are currently planning the wedding, making guest lists etc. My partner wishes to invite his best friend to the wedding. The thing is i can’t stand being in the same room as my fiancées best friend as he severely bullied me all the way through high school and whenever I see all the awful memories come back. What should I do? I dont want to feel sad at my own wedding, but then I also don’t want to upset my soon to be husband by banning his friend from coming! Not only that but he wants him to be the best man! My partner knows that we don’t see eye to eye, but he still chooses to be friends with him. At the end of the day I can’t choose who he is friends with, but I really don’t want him at my wedding!! What should I do? X
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male
reader, Roboaxe  +, writes (24 June 2018):
 If he truly loves you, he will respect your wishes. Especially if the friend bullied you. Your dislike of him is completely justified.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2018): I feel you.All my childhood I was bullied.Talk to your boyfriend.If he really loves you he should put you first.The bully should not attend the wedding at all.Some people say forgive and forget but I say f that.If he insists his friend be his best man after the way he treated you I honestly would rethink marrying him.You would end up resenting him and you would more than not get divorced anyway because of this.I could not even imagine having the best man at my wedding being my bully.Tell him heck no.Stand up for yourself.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (21 June 2018):
 Does your fiance know that his best friend bullied you? Being bullied is nor pleasent, and it can leave lasting effects on self esteem. I can understand why you would not want a person who caused deliberate harm at your wedding. Some Aunts here have said that it us your fiancé's wedding too. But the day is about your love for each other, not about friendship. Your happiness should come first, as you should be the most important guest, above any other guest.If your boyfriend does not know about his best friends bullying, then you need to tell him. You both need to talk about it and talk to the friend about it. If the guy can understand how he treated you was wrong and apologize, then I'd try to forgive him, for your fiancé's sake. But if he has no remorse or appology, I'd expect your fiancé to understand why you don't want to be around the person who bullied you.Good luck, I hope your wedding day goes as you hope x
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female
reader, holeymoley  +, writes (21 June 2018):
 This is your chance to take back control. You could take this douchebag aside and tell him straight the reasons why you don't want him there and he is invited for no other reason but out of the love that you have for your fiancee. Inform him that you are neither hopeful or in need of an apology rather just remind him that you will be his wife and expect that he behaves respectfully to both you and his friend.
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A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (21 June 2018):
 It's not just your wedding, it's also your boyfriend's wedding.
If you dislike his friend so much that you want him out of the wedding how will it determine his inclusion in the rest of your lives.
Something like this needs to be talked about with your husband. Feeling abused by his best friend is a big issue that needs to be addressed. These feelings won't just magically go away and they can easily put a strain on both the relationships he has with you and his friend.
You're getting married; communication is key.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 June 2018):
 THere are things missing from your post, so I have some questions:
1. Did your fiance ever talk to or confront this guy?
2. Did this guy who bullied you have a crush on you? Did he start bullying you BEFORE or AFTER you got with your current partner?
3. What was the nature of the bullying?? Was it sexual at any point? (aka groping or mysogeny)? Did he sexually harass you?
4. Did you TALK to your fiance about his friend's actions? What was your fiance's response?
5. was this best friend the only one who bullied you, or was he part of a group of people doing the same thing?
6. If this guy makes you feel trauma, why would you have anything to do with his best friend? This question isn't ironic, but it's the heart of the issue.
The wedding is nothing. You can't separate people from best friends when you're married, and this guy will want to spend time with this guy. If he did something sexual in nature to you, your fiance is a dick for not cutting him off.
If that's not the case, it may be a matter of simple high school immaturity, and a conversation with the three of you is the best recourse. People DO mature.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2018): You're getting married. That requires a great deal of maturity, mental-stability, and dealing with difficult issues. You can't always hide from people who used to tease or bully you in the past.
What sort of threat is he to you now? He was there up until you got engaged!
Sooner or later, you have to confront the bully. You takeaway the power they have over you. It's quite odd that your boyfriend is totally oblivious to all this. Could it be that he knows it wasn't as bad as you claim? It's obvious you just don't like the guy for your own reasons. Strange your fiance would totally ignore your intense feelings about this.
I'm going to be straight forward and say it. If you're still a teenager, or under 21; you are quite young to be even considering marriage. Especially if you haven't dealt with high school bullying; which each and everyone of us has had some experience with.
There are some exceptions; but everyone has a nemesis. That one adversary you couldn't get around. The suggestion to postpone your wedding was excellent advice.
If you're so traumatized by bullying; perhaps marriage is too big of a step right now. It might be better delayed; until you get some counseling to help you get beyond those flashbacks and your trauma.
You're an adult now; and at some point you have to outgrow things in the past. I know we have a generation now that don't seem to be able to do that. There's nothing new under the sun; and most of us have to take life head-on. We have to grow-up and move on. If your life has been shattered; then seek professional-counseling to help you.
It's not just your wedding. I think you have a groom; and he has a right to invite his best-friend. Otherwise; postpone the wedding, and seek counseling; so you can move-on with life. He's not going to give-up his friend over some high school rivalry nonsense; and if it was that bad, why didn't you report it? Maybe it could have been dealt with before he went too far. Maybe he should have gone to jail!
I think there is some jealousy and rivalry in this situation. Your fiance should be more protective of you; if he thought his friend was such a threat.
That guy can't be the only bad thing that happened in your life; but you managed to get by all those other things.
I suggest you confront that bully; and you tell him how he made you feel. You've got your fiance there to back you up. So bury this thing once and for all, or get professional help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2018): This bully should have apologized to you the moment he found out you were involved with his best friend. Does your boyfriend know he bullied you in school? If he doesn't you should tell him and tell him how you feel about it.
I wouldn't want him at the wedding, let alone the best man on my special day. That's a slap in the face. I realize this is a touchy situation so it would be wise to approach your fiancee in a mature way to make your feelings known. As I said, maybe an apology from him would be a start to a truce.
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A
female
reader, Xx-Scorpio-xX +, writes (21 June 2018):
 It's not just YOUR wedding, it's both if yours.
He has just as much opinion on guests as you do. I can understand how you feel but it's a little petty to say he can't be there at all if he's close to your partner. I would ask him not to be best man and just be a guest and that way you will be able to avoid him most of the time since you will be talking with your own friends and family.
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A
male
reader, viewfromluke +, writes (20 June 2018):
You should think about the other way round. You've want your best friend there and its the way things are friends are always there no matter what. You'll have to just allow it to happen, but you don't have to talk to him you can mingle with other guests and stay away from him.
However, it could be worth talking to your fiance's best friend. Majority of people regret stuff they did in school and it could be worth just talking to him getting the issues out, and it might help you both out. Afterall even if he doesn't come and you're married he'll still hang around your husband. So it could be worth talking to him cause he could feel a lot of regret and guilty and want to put it right, especially if your marrying his best friend.
good luck!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 June 2018):
 You need to talk to your boyfriend and tell him how it would make you feel if his friend was part of the wedding. If he is a bully then your husband to be should 100% take your side. If he doesn't then I would postpone the marriage until you are sure he sees you as his number one priority.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (20 June 2018):
 You need to tell your boyfriend that every time you see his friend the memories of him bullying you all through high school come flooding back, and those are not the memories you want when you are standing in front of the altar getting married. Tell him you understand he wants his best mate there on this important occasion but that you refuse to start married life with him standing up there as best man.
I don't usually advocate people giving ultimatums but I think in this case you need to tell you boyfriend he needs to chose whose going to be standing at the front of the church with him, you or the bully, it can't be both.
If he refuses to listen call the wedding off or there will always be three people in your marriage, you, him and the bully.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2018): This is pretty complicated but you being bullied is a sensitive issue that brings trauma to you. Keeping that in mind, your fiancé has to think about inviting his friend. Have you tried speaking to the bully? Getting a closure? I mean we all have regrets. I’m not saying what he did was right but helping you ease the feelings could change things.
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