| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I hate being normal. I've noticed that no matter how many times people say that looks don't matter, hey, THEY DO! I've noticed how my male friends treat girls differently based on looks more than personality. I'm not the most attractive girl, I'm not ugly (at least people have the decency not to call me ugly to my face), but I feel ugly all the time because I notice the different treatment guys give me compared to girls they deem hot. Sometimes these girls are complete bitches (some of them, not all) and even if they are bitches, guys treat them like goddesses. I'm a nice girl I think. But it just doesn't feel like enough. You know, I always thought "I'm not the prettiest, but at least I'm smarter than average". But today, talking to a friend, he told me I should get real, that I'm just average smart. He said I really shouldn't feel that I'm smarter than other girls... it's not like I brag about my brains, but hey I have done exceptionally well at school, without much effort, and yeah, I can kind of see that I'm smarter, a lot of people tell me I'm smart and no, I NEVER brag. I just told him I thought I was really smart and that at least I have that, since I'm not really pretty. But he told me I wasn't really smarter than average.So I have nothing. I'm not pretty and I'm not really smart. I'm just normal. I'm not special.I'm tired of feeling like this. I wish, I really wish I was hot... I wish I was pretty and that guys would notice me more, because it sure seems hot girls enjoy the attention. But I'm not, so I've always focused on my brains even if guys don't appreciate that half as much. But apparently I don't have that either. I hate being normal and not special. Really, I have nothing else other than being smart. How can I stop caring about what guys think or want? I don't have anything that's really special, not on the inside or outside. I hate being me... not only have I got to deal with being ugly now, I also have to deal with being just of normal intelligence. I want to stop caring about men, since at least that way I will not have to think so much about competing with women who are better and more special than I am.
View related questions:
notice me Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, yvonica  +, writes (17 December 2010):
 Well from reading what you have wrote you are beautiful!!!
And dont let some stupid guy tell you that your not that smart hes just trying to bring you down. Jerks have a tendency of trying to make women feel insecure so they can feel better about them self. If you say your smart then your smart! you have all the proof!
And looks arent all that... People tell me im "pretty" blah blah... I have just as hard as time to find a nice guy than a girl thats considered "not that pretty"
Im not shallow either so i dont go for the cute jerk guys its just theres always a prettier face...
A good Guy will love you for who you are not what you look like... Good guys like smart girls that are sweet! never let anyone put you down!
I dont know how you look like but to me i see a beautiful girl. And sence you doubt yourself when it comes to your smarts when you deep down inside know your above average i have reasone to assume that the outside of you is just as beautiful as your heart your just underestemating yourself.
Another thing... whats beautiful to one person can be ugly to another...
Everyone has there own taste ad beliege on whats beautiful. :)
Take care girl and dont let anyone second guess you or demine you.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (17 December 2010):
 Having a pity party gets nothing done. Looks are highly over-rated-look at all those "pretty people in Hollywood that have a marraige that lasts 4 or 5 weeks. It's the personality that works to hold relationships...a good sense of humor is critical! work on that and forget the other crap! Get a grip for your own good.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): Just because one person tried to pull you down a notch doesn't mean you are less intelligent.
I don't think anyone is average because everyone has their good and bad points. Pretty girls may get a lot of attention, but is it just sex the men are after?
Maybe when your Mr Right comes along he will notice straight away what your good qualities are.
Have you seen the film 'The Fisher King'? There's a woman in that who slops her spaghetti all over the place when she is eating, and who some people would find weird, but Robin whats his name is crazy about her. That's what it's all about, not looks, in the end.
One day your prince will come :-)
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (17 December 2010):
 Let's be upfront: you're right, looks matter. More attractive people get a lot of breaks in life. But life's not fair that way, only way to play is with the hand we're dealt.
We'll take your assessment of your looks to be accurate. For the sake of argument, we'll ignore the guys who simply prefer your particular look, even though they exist, and work on more generic tactics.
I think the answer is not to stop caring what guys think or want, and rather to focus more on your self-image and your relationship tactics. Trying not to care about guys would be a good way to inadvertently scare one off who is interested in you.
Two parts to this: how you think, how you act.
First, have you considered that the guy who said you're not smart is either really smart himself (and thus would look down on you same as anyone), or just an arse? It seems that you have objective evidence of your intelligence, in the form of your schoolwork (and the well-written question), so even if you're not the next Marie Curie, you've got something working correctly upstairs. Learning not to take what you're told at face value - including everything I say here - would do you some good. So use your brains, learn a little of everything, use your natural inquisitiveness to get guys talking about things they enjoy.
Consider your personality. Do you enjoy making other people happy, spending time with people, and talking at length about what other people are passionate about? If so, congrats, you have a kind and feminine personality. If not, work on it. This will score you major points, especially compared to a lot of cuter girls. This one takes longer to work, though. The guy has to get to know you, and you could fall into the female equivalent of the "friends zone" if you're aiming for too high-status a guy with it. Nothing's perfect, but it's a start.
Now for tactics. Looks, as you pointed out, matter. But the romantic marketplace is relative. If you change social circles, you can pick one where you're better looking than average. You can grow your hair long, and not be fat - that would put you in the top 50% of many groups right off the bat, before we even get into makeup or short skirts. Work with what you have. Just because it's not the best in the world doesn't mean it can't get results.
Act positive, even if you have to fake it. Smiling alone will actually improve your mood. Guys like positive attitudes. Don't be afraid to make the first move sometimes, either.
Don't fall into the trap that many girls with self-esteem issues do, and sleep with guys too easily. Doing so will increase short-term gratification at the expense of long term, and for someone with average looks and a good personality, long-term is the way to go. Be willing to have some bad first dates, second dates, even third ones with several guys. Give guys a chance to win your affections, but don't give up sex too easily.
This went on longer than I'd planned. Look, if there's one thing you take from that wall of text, it's not to be disheartened by the need to try more than once. If we accept that you're not in the top 10% of desirability, and we accept that happiness and fulfillment are worth working for (and are more enjoyable than complaining), the only rational conclusion is to keep trying, even if it takes longer than the blessed few take. You have youth and brains on your side, and can develop personality and good strategy. Go out and get shot down until you win. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): Normal is good, not bad. If you think for one second that those "pretty sexy girls" that are bitches have it all trust me you are wrong. Sure they may have the attention now, but as soon as they go home, they go home empty. In the end of the day when they take off the make up and the clothes they have the same thing you do. But the difference is you have your friends and family that love you and those girls probably have the same thing but are not completely satisfied with that. They have to work on themselves everyday to get attention when you don't have to. You are you and don't lower yourself to think you need to be like them. If you love yourself there is no need to have the low self esteem I perseived. Be happy, life life to the fullest, because one day we are all going to grow old and our bodies will have changed but your hear will remain the same. Don't torture yourself. You're still young and when the time comes you will find the one or he will find you and he will see beyond the looks he will see your soul. And that is what count.
...............................
A
female
reader, sammi star  +, writes (17 December 2010):
 So just coz one guy told you you're only average smart you're going to believe him rather than believeing what you know to be true...that you're actually very intelligent.
You do have something special. You're unique, there will only ever be one of you and someday you will meet someone who loves and appreciates you for who you really are. Anybody you meet in the meantime that doesn't really isn't worth the time of day.
It's really not a terrible thing to be what you consider 'normal' anyway. I'm not the prettiest, I'm not the smartest but I don't beat myself up for it everyday! You can only be yourself and the sooner you realise that the happier you'll be.
...............................
|
