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anonymous
writes: Quick bit of history. I dated my wife all through college and have been married for 17 years. 3 years ago I had a year long affair. My wife and I through many hours of counseling are still together and very happy. My question.For whatever reason I have always had a gut feeling she has had an affair at some point in our relationship. I was with one other woman while in college and of course was found out. I had to come clean with her and tell her everything. Yet, when I tried to ask questions about her I was told I had no right to ask. Of course after my year long affair I had to tell her all the details of that and again had no right to ask any questions. I just feel like I should get some direct answers. Yes or No. I have or I haven’t. How can I approach this question with her? It really bothers me that she has never in the 23 plus years we have been together she has never had to answer the question. I just feel like I need to know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2006): An affair is a manifestation of something wrong between you and your wife. It has to do with the two of you. If you are going to ask her these questions you need to get ready to leave this relationship. both you and her need to concentrate on rebuilding your trust and love. RElationships are hard work and a part of you wants to act like the child, cos it's so easy to do, but honestly... Think. What are you achieving by asking this question? The floodgates will open once more and you'll take two steps back from where you are now. And this time you may not be able to heal the wounds. Are you looking for a reason to end this marriage? Do you want to project your guilt onto her? Want to even the balance? These are the questions you need to ask, YOURSELF. Therapy is ongoing. I would go back to counselling. Doesn't seem like you're finished.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2006): You are happy? I don't think so or you wouldn't be on this mission for the 'truth'. I have to ask....'why' do you need to know? So her "alleged, unconfirmed' affair will appease your guilt and conscience? Does it make life easier for you, to see what she's possibly done wrong in the marriage? I call that blame-shifting and that is nasty, sir. A marriage is no place for that BS. Now ask yourself this question...what gainful, healthy purpose would it serve to the solidarity and the trust of your marriage? All you have is suspicions,a gut feeling..NO proof! Unfortunately, you got caught having an affair and it's like you are turning your marriage into a '3-ring circus'. Gut feelings are not enough to go around accusing your wife of illicit affairs. You need to put all of your emotional energy into the building and healing of your marriage, not ripping it apart. Perhaps, your wife doesn't answer you, because she wisely knows this. Consider what habits, actions or words of yours are deeply hurting your wife and your marriage. Take responsibility for the mistakes you’ve made and remember, her reply to your barrage of questions, (eg: "you have no right to ask") should be telling you...that you are behaving immature and rather silly. Your negative interpretations and innuendo will eat you alive..because you are determined to consistently believe that she had this 'alleged' affair! If she has never admitted to one, drop it. Have you considered that 'she didn't have an affair?". SOrry but you a heack of a lot more proof than 'gut feelings'. Your motives for doing this is what disturbs me the most. You seem to be trying to rid yourself of guilt by accusing her. She's not going to allow that. So the ball's in your court. You can stop this ridiculous battery of questions and live life to its fullest with your wife and drop this 'dead' issue. You need to have an attitude of thankfulness for what you do have -so try focusing in on what’s right in your life and what you do love and cherish about your wife and your marriage. Stop the negative inquisition today and do some self-reflection at how you can become a more loving, supportive husband. If you can't work this issue out-call your marriage counselor and get back in for some intense seesion, the primary focus being "how to display respect for one's spouse and act maturely behaviour in a marriage'. Good luck
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (20 February 2006):
 I think you're feeling guilty about what you did and are perhaps projecting those feelings onto you wife. Do you have any reason to think she cheated on you? Maybe you just want to share the blame. I'm not sure if the answer that you had no right to ask, is correct. It depends on if you had a vavlid reason.
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