A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was a teenager, and I'm now 21. I have had therapy and medication for the past four years, with a little success. When I explained it all to my now ex boyfriend, I thought he understood my mental illness and why I suffer like I do. I was raised in a violent house and witnessed my father beat me, my brother and my mother until I was 9. Well last month, after a party my ex got into a fight outside a pub. It wasn't over anything really, just some lads making comments about the group of lads we were with. The police were called and my ex, along with the others were arrested. I had never seen him fight, and it really scared me. I didn't answer his calls for a few days and my mum wouldn't let him in the house. I then wrote him a letter explaining that because of my past issues with violence that I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who acted so casual about hitting someone. He didn't like that but accepted I needed time away from him to think about things.I had always promised myself I would never be with someone like that because I was so scared that I would end up like my mum. She remarried and she has a child with my stepdad but I know she is still damaged. My ex called me a few days ago, asking to meet up with him but when I went to see him, he refused to acknowledge why it upset me so much. He told me to get over what happened because he would never hurt me like that. We were together for nearly 3 years, and in all that time he had never acted like that before. I don't know if I'm overreacting, or if I am right to feel like this. I love him, and I do want to be with him but not if he can be so casual about something that still scares me to this very day.
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male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (29 January 2014):
 Give him a second chance... but there is a condition: to be a MAN (and not a brat) who saves his muscles for your (future ?) house, its decoration, and if needed to protect you from the ones who'd want to hurt you. That's how a real man uses his strengh when living in a country in peace, otherwise he is just a testosteron-puppet, as there are so many of them around the world, which makes him nobody special and lovable for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2014): Young lady,just cause he got into one fight out with the boys, an drinking, that does, not mean he would ever hit you, you cant let your past, cloud your future, I know cause that happened to me not to long ago, an that was the first time I got mad like that in over twenty years, but it scared her too, an now we are not together, an I would never hit her. So give him a chance, at being the man, you were looking for, not the one you grew up with, for he might be the love of your life.
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A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (28 January 2014):
 I dont think your 'wrong' to feel like this. From what you have said here about your past this is an entirely understandable reaction given your past experiences. However, context matters and you have to keep that front and centre of your mind. What your ex did was, by all accounts, not the same as what your father did.
Your father obviously had an anger management problem, to put it mildly, and there is no indication that your ex could have that problem. He was out, probably a bit drunk, and something ticked him off, its not pretty and I am not condoning it but its not exactly something that never happens and does not necessarily indicate the kind of problems your father had.
He has never acted like this before nor has he in three years done anything else to indicate deeper issues with anger, I assume this because you havent mentioned anything else, so I think its a relatively long leap from doing what he did to being like your father was. Your anxiety and stress were therefore as much to do with what happened in your past as what you actually did and commendably he gave you space. I think he deserves the benefit of the considerable doubt here and you should meet him. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, DragonMan +, writes (28 January 2014):
 Greetings,
May I ask? Has he ever been violent to you and anyone you care about?
You say that the fight was over anything really? But clearly it was if he got into fight. Unless drunk guys will only fight if hooked into doing so like if it was to support/defend a friend. This is normal in today's society and you need to ask yourself if this hasn't happened before then this shouldn't be such an issue.
It was only one time and if you can't learn to forgive him then you are punishing him for what happened in your past.
Being cautious is a good thing but not if you punish someone for a single incident
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