A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Last year I was diagnosed with melanoma on my penis. To save my life, I had to have my penis amputated. So far I've recovered well. I've seen tons of trolls on sites claiming to be 18 and having penile cancer (virtually unheard of in young men) but I did NOT have penile cancer. I had melanoma that just (unfortunately) happened to be in pretty awful place. I also see silly posts that inevitably have guys saying things like, "I'd kill myself if that happened." This has been traumatic but obviously being alive is the most important thing! Anyway, my girlfriend has been very supportive. I just wanted to know from ladies here, how would you deal with your husband/boyfriend losing his penis? I feel like she's too focused on me. Surely this is traumatic for her too?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): My boyfriend and i have the most incredible amazing sex life, but i know that if this happened we could definitely find other ways to satisfy me. I love him unconditionally.. !
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): Original poster here once again. Thank you to all that have answered. Your feedback has been fantastic. You have all helped my confidence quite a bit. To those who worried about me being offended by responses, nothing could be further from the truth! What's done is done. Besides I realize most people don't think about something like this happening. That's part of the reason I asked (there are very few resourses available but the human community is the best resourse of all). I encourage people to add their thoughts if they wish. Others who face similar situations may benefit. Any illness or injury can affect sexuality. Thanks again!
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female
reader, Cutexomami69  +, writes (8 May 2011):
Honestly, I would be there for you but as far as you guys having intercourse I'd buy a strap-on when the time is right and learn to please her very orally and she will stay! It's not all about sex I understand but eventually it will come up!
Glad you healed and are in great health now! And certainly I didn't post to offend you!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): Mate, that's terrible but it's not the end of everything. There are many couples who manage to have fulfiling sex lives without penetration. Think of the huge numbers of impotent men there are. Paraplegics. Lesbians for that matter. All you have to do is come to an arrangement where you are both satisfied, whatever that involves. If it's what you both want there is plenty of equipment you can buy over the internet that simulates a penis nearly perfectly. You'll probably come out of it with a better and more creative sex life than most couples have.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): I am so sorry that you have had to go through something like this. I have to be honest, an outcome like this has never really occurred to me. You think of men dealing with prostate or testicular cancer but I had never really thought about a man losing his penis in this way. I'm sure your girlfriend had similar thoughts. I'm sure that she (like me) imagines that losing your penis is far worse than anything she may be going through. But you should talk to her about both of your feelings. She sounds supportive and you don't want to lose that relationship. Best of luck!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 April 2011):
 So it was in the lymph nodes? I hope you are being watchful for lymphadenopathy and limb edema, not a nice side effect!
I had another point I thought of today. When I was helping my sister go through chemo following her double mastectomy for breast cancer, and helping my father recover from his bladder cancer surgery and chemotherapy, and helping my mother through her lumpectomy and chemotherapy, I was very careful not to allow my own upset or sorrow or negative feelings show to any of them. They needed support, not additional stress. Instead, I leaned on my own friends and spouse for support. They were the ones who saw me cry and be upset. So I am not at all surprised you are seeing only supportive actions from her. That's what she thinks she should be doing. That's what most of us do. We keep the focus on the person going through the traumatic illness and treatment as all positives. The last thing a cancer patient needs is to be made to feel guilty or unhappy about someone else's reaction to it, especially right after diagnosis and treatment. Later on, down the road a bit, maybe then she can share with you some of what she went through, but for now, I would suggest you let her be supportive of you, as that is one of the ways loved ones who feel powerless otherwise can help.
As far as the loss of the penis goes, not to be too technical here, but there are countless lesbian couples who have deeply satisfying and fulfilling sex lives without a penis in sight. Many men seem to think sex revolves around their penis, that sex is all about penetrative intercourse, and for the woman, that really isn't necessarily the case. Most women do not reach orgasm through intercourse alone, the numbers are something like 1 in 4 being able to do so. Sorry to damage any fragile male egos here, but pleasurable and enjoyable sex for the woman is not dependent on a man's penis.
And as my family has demonstrated in a very vivid and moving way, it's not a body part someone falls in love with, it's the person.
After a traumatic injury, or illness, there's a period of readjustment. You've gone from one 'normal' to your new 'normal.' I would encourage you to take it one step at a time, ensure your girlfriend has her own sources of support and allow her to nurture you as she can.
Take care.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): Its always hugely traumatic when a loved one has been diagnosed with any sort of cancer. Im sure your partner found it all as traumatic as you did. Probably trying to help you, talking about it...maybe even fussing a little too much is her way of coping. You might find some joint counselling will help you both. It sounds as if she might need it more than you do to be honest but if you phrase it as joint, she might be more willing to try it.
If my boyfriend had to have the same surgery, id be there for him. And as long as it didnt totally alter his personality and he was still thoughtful and imaginative in the bedroom, despite losing his pal, we would be just fine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): First I wanna say I'm sorry that happened to you, but you are so lucky to be with someone who is so supportive. Your girlfriend is definitely a keeper. If this happened to my husband, I would be understanding, accepting, and supportive of him. It would not change who he is as a person at all meaning it wouldn't change the fact his wonderful personality, and it wouldn't change the way he looks otherwise and his green eyes would still make me go weak at the knees lol. I can't imagine how you must feel, but I tried to imagine for a second that I just found out I had breast cancer and had to have my breasts removed. I would be very upset about it, and would most likely feel like less of a woman. (I used breast cancer as an example, because that would be about the female equivalant to you having your penis removed.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): I'm the original poster. I'm sure you all can understand why I'm anonymous for now. Not quite ready to be identified as the guy with no penis, LOL. Thank you all for the supportive comments! As some of you have pointed out, treatment and recovery is far from over. Interferon treatment was rough! But all is good for now!
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (19 April 2011):
 Are you complaining that she's giving you too much sympathy? Most importantly, the experience is traumatic to you. I mean I don't have a penis, but I would be a little bit selfish in being concerned about myself. How will I urinate, what are the chances of it coming back? Not to mention the mental toll it will take, without having defined parts. If it happened to my husband I would be the upset (especially if we didn't have children), but nonetheless supportive because I love him. When it comes to love making you can still have oral sex and he could use "toys" for a substitute if need be. As far as children go, I could still carry a child through IVF..(Although, I guess they would have to remove the sperm sample from his testicles) My point is it's not the end of the world, and be grateful you have a supportive girlfriend.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 April 2011):
Melanoma IS cancer. From the quick literature review I did, it seems that melanoma of the penis is a rare penile cancer and it is a highly aggressive cancer. I trust you have a good oncologist and a competent surgery. Your girlfriend is correct, to focus on YOU and your medical situation, as your life is at risk. Did you have any lymph node involvement? And what stage did they say the melanoma was?Anyway, I'm sure as with any traumatic diagnosis, your girlfriend was shocked and her focus is on supporting you as you recover from the surgery and the trauma of having a life-threatening cancer.Sex doesn't have to revolve around penis-in-vagina intercourse, there are plenty of ways to pleasure one another. If you are concerned about having a penile structure for her pleasure, there are many ways to achieve that. Talk to your urologist and consult a sex therapist for ideas.Be sure you stay on top of your medical checkups; you have to be your own advocate in this. I'm a bit concerned that you think melanoma is not a cancer; perhaps you need to talk to your doctors again to get further information.Good luck to you.
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reader, Ima FreAk!  +, writes (19 April 2011):
 Hiyaaa,I'm terribly sorry about what happened! I mean I'm speechless! But your as right as rain and that is a blessing!I think your girlfriend pity you and feels touched by your story and what you've been through... I mean I can't even imagine what you went through despite being a girl! What I think its best for you is that you should live your life to the full. Show people that you are ok and that you can have a perfectly normal life and positivity!If this happened to my boyfriend then I would be very supportive and enjoy life with him and wouldn't care about it to be honest because if I really loved my boyfriend who had that then it doesn't matter becasue it's about feeling the love.Hope my opinion helps!Good luck! Take care!Lots of love,Ima FreAk!x
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 April 2011):
 I would handle it better if it happened to my husband (not that Im married). If it happened to a boyfriend it would be different, because with a boyfriend you never know if he and you would have lasted anyway, if you understand. Unless it is a long term relationship that has already lasted several years and you imagined being together for many more. It is traumatic, like any other life threatening situation would put you in. You also need to look at the way you live from a whole you point of view. If my husband lost his feet for example everything would have to be re-thought, done differently. It takes time to adjust, and time to think about what to do. But what I think would happen is that we would, together, talk about things and how to adjust. First just see how things go, and get back to the daily routine, and then address the issue. As much as you might worry about your girlfriend being sexually satisfied (which is what I imagine you worry about), without a doubt I think she worries more about YOU not being sexually satisfied. So the very best thing you could do is think about how YOU want to handle this for YOUR sake, and not for her sake. Then you can talk to her about what you think around the case, instead of just asking her what she will think. It might be the wrong thing to say, but maybe it will cheer you up and put things in a different light. Look at lesbians, they get married, and have great sex, and neither of them have a penis, and neither of them are sexually unsatisfied. It is possible to work around with her getting pleasure. It will be hard, difficult, sad, and take time, but it isn't impossible. What I worry more about, and what I am sure your girlfriend worries more about, is whether you will be satisfied, and whether you want to continue being in a relationship. Your lives will change, and it is up to the two of you to decide if you are able to adapt.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (19 April 2011):
 You have my sincere condolences as well. I hope that you never have anymore bouts with cancer.I think you both may want to go through some therapy. I have a feeling there will be some residual issues that come about over time. Right now you are her focus, and she's wanting to be as supportive as possible. She won't realize she needs support too for some time yet.I wish you the best.
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reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (19 April 2011):
 That's terrible! I'm so sorry... I commend you,though, for moving on with your life. It must be difficult.I am not sure if this is an option in ALL cases, but years ago, I read about penile reconstruction surgery... I read an account of a horrible case where a guy lost his as the result of a violent attack, and the surgeons were able to reconstruct it; according to the article, all males are born with a good deal of penile tissue. Have you talked to a surgeon about this? That was in 1990; this is 2011 and I am sure there have been advances since then (as a kid I read medical journals and articles every now and then).I think that Quantum is right, you should talk to your girlfriend about how she is feeling. I don't have a husband or boyfriend, but if I did, I KNOW that I would be supportive. It would be traumatic for me as well, but the fact that your girlfriend is focused on you makes me think she's an unselfish person who will stand by you. Talk to her. Have you talked to a surgeon, is reconstruction an option?Either way, I would be supportive. So sorry about this...
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