A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:When I was 16 I had a relationship with a boy. I took it seriously although it was just a game for him. He wrote me and saw me very rarely, although when we saw each other he behaved like a true gentleman. After 7 months of our relationship he physically abused me. I didn't tell anyone because I felt embarrassed and guilty. It took me another 3 years to trust people again. Then I started to date a guy. We dated almost 9 months. During the first two months everything felt right to me. But after it he started to do that "hot and cold treatment". When I made him angry (or he said so) he stopped talking to me for a few days. After I apologize properly he started to talk to me again. Later he told me I am not pretty enough, I am boring, stupid. In the end our relationship was like a hell for me. I was still apologizing for things I didn't even know I had done. He stopped spending time with me, told me he didn't need me, played like I didn't exist in front of his friends etc. We broke up.Now after almost one year I met a guy. And yes I fall in love. I have so much fun with him. But I am anxious all the time. I am scared I might say something wrong. I apologize in every second sentence. Today he went out for 3 days. I messaged him today but he didn't reply back. My rational part tells me that he is just having fun and nothing happens, maybe he doesn't have credit. But I feel like I am out of my mind, I am shaking and feeling like vomiting. I fear he is angry with me and that's why he didn't reply.I seriously started to think that I am out of my mind, please what should I do and how to behave healthy in a relationship? :(
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (24 March 2013):
 When you say 'he physically abused me,' do you mean he raped you?
It sounds like you are suffering from the aftermath of a traumatic experience. Did you ever seek counseling? Did you report the abuse at some point later on?
I would contact your local abuse/rape crisis center and ask to speak with a counselor to see if they might be able to help you.
You are having physical symptoms and cannot set up and enforce healthy boundaries.
We cannot tell you how to behave healthy in a relationship. A relationship is not conducted by reading lessons in a book, then following some prescribed path. If he does A, you do B. If you would like C, you act like D.
What you have written here suggests you would do yourself a very wonderful favor by finding help in recovering from the abuse, and by help, I mean from a qualified, trained professional, not a site like DearCupid, where the people may be well-meaning but not in any position to provide therapy that you need.
Best wishes.
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