A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I have a question, more of an issue, that I need help with... any advice is greatly appreciated. My fiance and I have been together for 2 1/2 years and we have a fantastic relationship. I know he's the one for me and I know he feels the same. The start of our relationship was a little rocky, he told some lies and hid some messages, and I found them by snooping on his phone one day. I came clean immediately and confronted him and he said he knew what he did was wrong and he wouldn't do it again. He has a history of lying (from what he told me of his past relationships) and I think he's come clean about everything. The stuff wasn't too bad, just him looking for attention from his exes who were still interested. Around the same time, one of his crazy exes hacked his email/fb accounts (she has a history too) and he blamed me for it, undoubtedly because I wasn't happy about said exes and had snooped on his phone. She was trying to convince him it was me, but I think he's finally realized that it was her. Basically, there were some trust issues that developed on both of our ends.So, now, two years later and last week, he's out of town and I'm at work. Some files (pics of his exes) on his computer got destroyed/deleted. Way back when all the crap was going on, I was kinda annoyed that he had kept them, but I've gotten over that. He came home from being out of town to find them messed up and he's blaming me. I was at work during their 'date modified', but I don't have any clue as to how they could have gotten 'corrupted'. Only the front office, our landlord and us have the keys to the place. At this point, I'm kinda pissed because I wake up to him basically yelling and blaming me for destroying his stuff. Honestly, if I was still upset about the pictures he has, I would have just asked him to delete them. But, yes, I did snoop on his phone once.... like two years ago. But I wasn't even home when this stuff happened. I'm starting to think two things: 1) he's making this shit up because he likes the drama or 2) why the hell is he accusing me of lying when he's the one who is so good at it. Our relationship is basically perfect outside of this crap, it feels like a different relationship when this stuff happens. Any advice on how I can handle this situation or help him figure out what happened to his stuff? Sorry this is so long... I'm a rambler :( Thanks for your help!
View related questions:
at work, fiance, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): I agree with Mightyjohn's advice to an extent. Your boyfriend can have an expert determine if the file corruption was due to local hacking or a random virus.
File corruption sometimes happens when you enter a viral site. Porn sites for example. They can introduce spam or a virus that can delete files or crash your computer. Your BF knows this. As I said earlier, he's getting a little payback for your snooping. Turning it around on you.
I don't recommend going back and forth with this, because it doesn't merit any further attention. You're both much too old for these adolescent games. Snooping and finger-pointing is silly. Sneaking around and lying, is deceptive and cruel.
If you don't trust him, leave him. You have no right to go through anyone's personal files without permission. He isn't your husband. If you're suspicious that he's cheating, why are you still with him?
If neither of you trust each other, how is fighting about it going to resolve the issue? It's come down to calling each other liars.
Simple resolution. End the relationship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): Who is he to yell and accuse you of misdeeds more than two years after the initial incident?If he doesn't like it walk away.Honey if you take the abuse now what do you think is going to happen later? You're just going to get more and more of this rubbish. Yes you can get an expert to find out how the files were corrupted and you might find he was looking and doing things on the internet that could be quite questionable? Put the evidence back in his face and see what happens then.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): This is a good case of what goes around comes around. He lies and hides his misdeeds. You snoop and find his misdeeds. His files are corrupted and you get blamed and blasted for your snooping.It's almost laughable. This stuff happens in high school.Aren't you two a little too mature for this teenage quibbling? He IS enjoying this to some degree, because you gave him the third degree after SNOOPING. This is his opportunity for a little "payback!" Who wouldn't jump at the chance?Moving forward, you guys need to sit down and iron out your trust issues. You've already told him you have no idea how his files got corrupted. At least they're not his most important files from what you've explained. You were convicted based on circumstantial evidence. You were the last known to snoop in his files. You were the closest person he knows that would have any objections to what was in them. You have easy access to the contents of the files, and you are his current girlfriend. What more can I say in your defense? Could be his fault for not changing his darned password since his last girlfriend.People who have a history of lying and deception are the most paranoid to being lied to and deceived. They tend to over-react when the shoe is on the other foot. The more YOU over-reacted to his backlash for your prying, the guiltier you look. So how do you solve this dilemma?Communication. Acting your age.You talk it out like adults, and you come to terms with the understanding that he is a recovering liar. You are supposed be his motivation and his guide on the road to redemption for all his past sins. Supposedly because:"My fiance and I have been together for 2 1/2 years and we have a fantastic relationship."You claim how great he is, yet you didn't trust him when it counted the most. Had you not confronted him based on information obtained by "unauthorized access" to his private records, and finding things you didn't need to know; you wouldn't be writing this letter. Would you? Guess what? No one is entitled to know every single secret of another person's life until they're ready to reveal them.Trust is "earned" over time. The truth will reveal itself, if it can do you harm. NO amount of lies can hide it.Everyone has a past, including yourself!!! I bet you a dollar to a doughnut, that you have stuff you're hiding you've never told or showed him. Especially about your exes!He even admitted things about his past that he didn't have to. So he must not be the same old guy he used to be. Get your head out of his past! Or should I say your nose?You both owe each other apologies and need to work this out.Things are still salvageable, because the the whole drama is so ridiculous and childish.The distance you've traveled together thus far, isn't worth tossing everything away over "corrupted/deleted files" and "snooping." It could have been worse. If you have solid evidence of his cheating with women, then you'd have every right to confront him; and if he had solid evidence that you destroyed his files, and not some other pissed off ex-, he would have every right to be totally pissed at at you.It's the 21st century, how could he be so certain you hacked his file? It happens every day. We're all susceptible to it. He forgot that your past sins come back to haunt you. It's part of the redemption process. Someone owed HIM a little payback.I'm almost certain this will all pass. You both have to work on rebuilding trust. If you have suspicions about things, ask him straight out. He didn't have to confess anything at all; unless your trust is important to him,that is.Otherwise, you've both wasted 2 1/2 years of a good relationship, over a sudden lack of trust.He will always have exes, he will even have fond memories of them. Just as you may have. Sometimes we wonder what they're doing; if they even still think about us. You'd be fudging if you claim it never happens in your case. If you're on FB, they could always find you. You could meet one on the street. They don't fall off the face of the earth just because you broke up.Okay, now you're back to square one in the trust department. Be the bigger person and apologize, and tell him how sorry you are for snooping... and that if you ever catch him lying or cheating, "corrupted files" is the least of his worries. It was your nosy-rosey school-girl snooping that triggered all this non-sense to begin with.I think this silliness will work out in the end.Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2013): The first question I would be asking is how he noticed to quickly that these files were destroyed? Did he come straight home and go on to the computer to look at photos of his exes?! That is not right.Honestly I think you're right about him liking the drama, either that or he has something to hide himself and is trying to deflect on to you. You often find the people who lie a lot are the most suspicious because they think everyone is the same as them. I also think you are perfectly right not to trust him.If I were you I'd break up with him because he doesnt seem trustworthy at all. I'm guessing you don't want to do that yet though, so I think you should tell him one last time that you had nothing to do with it and say that is all you are going to say on the matter. I'd then ask him if photographs of his exes mean more to him than his relationship with you.At the end of the day, he should not care this much about photos of his exes when he is engaged to you. If he is still so attached to them I'd be questioning whether he really is the one for you.
...............................
|
