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female
,
anonymous
writes: I was just beginning to get a normal happy life back and for some odd reason I wanted an affair one day. I had sex with another guy and destroyed my marriage. My husband does not know yet and it was only a week ago, but I can already tell my marriage has changed. I do not want to do it again, but I feel the damage has already been done so why not? Our marriage will never be pure anymore and I have always been against affairs and divorces. It's just not me. Anyway, I am afraid my husband might kill the guy when he finds out. Should I tell him the guy's name when I admit I had an affair and should I tell him my 2 year old daughter was there when it happenend?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2006): Don't tell your husband. You are trying to relieve yourself of the guilt you feel by telling him. Be honest with yourself and reflect on what your marriage means to you. YOUR MARRIAGE IS NOT RUINED. You made a mistake.
*If* you want to stay with your husband, cut off all contact with this fellow you had the affair with a focus your energy on repairing the damage you have done, but be prepared, this secret may come back to haunt you and you might have to deal with it one day.
*IF* you choose to tell your husband be prepared. Go talk with a lawyer to find out what your options are if your husband decides to divorce you. This is something he will never forget and it will take time for him to forgive you. Don't be surprised when he wants to know where you are, who you are with and what time you will be home. Because you have broken his trust, he has the right to ask these things of you. He may even go further by asking to see emails and phone records. Even after all of this, he may not believe you.
I think you have learned your lesson but if you find yourself wanting to taste the other side of life again, then counseling might be in order. It might be a good decision to talk to one now.
-J
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (18 August 2006):
 "some odd reason" indeed! But to answer the questions...no don't tell your husband the guy's name when you admit your affair, and don't tell him your daughter was there unless you want to lose custody, but maybe she'd be better off if you did lose it.
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A
female
reader, seenitdoneit +, writes (18 August 2006):
I know I am in a minority here, but I don't believe you should tell your husband about the affair. Try to figure out what was going wrong with your marriage that you felt you had to stray and work on that.
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone +, writes (18 August 2006):
 I don't get it. The only question I would have as that man would be why? Was the marriage bad before your affair or only after and if its the latter than you are to blame. You need to tell him the truth and I agree with soulsista that telling him who it is would only cause more problems especially if he knows the guy. I, being a man, would kick my friends ass if he cheated with my wife, thats a must. Killing him is harsh as he didn't rape you. Now, doing it in front of your daughter is absolutely insane. Children don't develop lasting memory until they're around four so she won't remember thank God. My heart goes out to you thru this tough situation but my advice to you is be a woman and take your lumps because you asked for this. I hope it was worth the pain. I have cheated before and for me it was not worth the heartache caused on either part. I hope you have learned and I pray you all can patch this up with communication and counselling for the sake of your child. Good Luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2006): What in the world do you mean by some odd reason?
Why would you even think to have an affair in front of you daughter; that there is abusive and neglectful of you and shows your judgement is impaired; do you suffer or do you suspect you are suffering from depression?
Why would you DECIDE to have an affair?
Either way, honesty is the best policy and you go to a lawyer right now and tell him/her of your fear that husband will kill said man.
Or you just don't disclose that information to the husband when confessing your affair.
Do you have a place to stay? Do you have relatives at hand? Close friends?
It is clear you no longer want to remain married. Tell him. Leave. Divorce.
May I ask how your marriage has been these past years? Why did you decide to get married? What was your home life like; both parents present?
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A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (18 August 2006):
 You have to tell him that you cheated and allow him to make a proper decision. You admit the marriage is ruined so the only thing to do is get all this out in the open. Maybe, if you work in it together, you can get through this. If not, at least you were honest in the end and everything was clear on what decision they made.
As for doing that while your daughter was there, that is quite sick. I hope she was not in the room? Don't tell your husband this, it will only make him more mad and, if you do split up, you may lose custody of her for doing this in front of her.
Don't tell your husband who it was, this will only cause more problems for everyone. Just tell him what happened and leave him to make a decision.
Good luck
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