A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am married with 2 children. Last August, my relationship with my husband was not great at all and I met someone who totally swept me off my feet. I wasn't looking for the opportunity, it just happened. I wasn't proud of myself and, in hindsight, I realised that it turned into a drug addiction. Anyway, it lasted 2 1/2 months and then came to an abrupt end. He didn't contact me and I refused to allow him to make a fool of me and so I did not pursue him One month on, I have received an email from him, telling me how it was too emotional for him and that his affections for me were getting stronger with no end in sight which is why he cut ties with no explanation. He said he was sorry and that I'm wonderful and lovely and the closest he's been to anyone in 8 years. He didn't suggest meeting up or anything, just wishes me well. This email has left me totally confused. If he asked to see me I'd be there in a heartbeat which I know is wrong and I believe that's the drug addiction talking again. I want to respond but I don't want to be hurt again or hurt others or go through the stress of the affair again! Yet why do I feel like this? I was doing so well moving on until he sent me that email. I know what the answer is deep down, ignore it, but I feel like he's set me back a month and now I have to heal all over again.I want to acknowledge his email but worry about where that will lead. I feel such an idiot as I'm a perfectly intelligent person who does know really what I should and shouldn't do. I guess it's the addiction rekindling itself. Would I be opening a massive can of worms or can we be friends?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2014): starting the affair was wrong in the first place, but then we all make mistakes. and believe me this situation is not unique to you, we all face such temptations in our life, and fall for it sometimes, but eventually pull back knowing the stakes at risk.It hurts, it pains,it causes sleepless nights, but by time we get over it.However I would give the guy benefit of the doubt, he could have genuinely been reluctant to contact you realizing the jeopardy he can cause in your life.
Same as Ciar, I also suggest, ignore his message and please don't tell your husband about the affair.Just put it behind you.
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (3 December 2014):
 You would be opening a can of worms. Don't contact him.
Instead address the issues in your marriage. Go to marriage counselling if you need to. Do whatever it takes. For your sake, your husband's sake and your children's sake.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 December 2014):
 I read the entire post thinking OK, she's made a mistake, she knows better now UNTIL i read the last four words when you've said, "can we be friends?"
How OP, how can you possibly think that you can possibly be "friends" with an ex lover while you're still married? Haven't you learnt your lesson at all? What can ever come from being friends with him?
The answer to your dilemma is not to ignore the email but to work on your marriage or quit for good because if not now then there will always be some "drug addiction" that'll ruin you and your marital life.
And not that it should matter to you in the least because you've apparently quit the "addiction" but your lover doesn't want to get back with you and neither did he ever intend to. Sorry but he just wasn't that into you. If he was, he wouldn't let anyone or anything deter him from being with you...least of all deepening feelings for you. These are just ways of letting someone down softly. Does it even make sense...I mean tell me yourself, why would you ever wean away from someone who you were getting really emotional for while in a relationship with them? If he really loved you and meant to be with you then he would.
Work on the marriage OP or just divorce the guy and work on giving your kids a good life. Their needs are above yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2014): The fact that you would go to him in a heart beat is indicative of something very wrong in your relationship. You clearly know what you should and shouldn't do so you would make the informed decision to go to him despite the risk that entails to your family.
My advice is to sit down with your husband and tell him what's happening. This could either bring your closer or break you up but it would solve 'the problem'. He just happened to be there in your moment if need so this other man could easily have been any other man. More men like him will present themselves as long as your marriage remains this fragile. Fix your marriage and the other man issue will sort itself out.
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A
male
reader, lifesgreat +, writes (3 December 2014):
so basically is your question ... should I start having an affair again?
your main concern seems to be whether or not this bloke will hurt you again. what about the effect on your husband and kids.
but you basically like the excitement/spark of being with somebody else.
either end it with your husband or focus on making that relationship work before you start thinking about others
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (3 December 2014):
 Ignore it. He's not, nor can he be, your friend. Don't delude yourself. He was able to quit you cold turkey to put his own psychological needs ahead of his concern for your feelings so you do the same. Doing the right thing frees you of unnecessary baggage.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll  +, writes (3 December 2014):
 first off you have an investment with your husband " that i take has no idea of your cheating on him". do you have a lot to loose? how would all this effect your two children ?
he got what he wanted for 2 1/2 months,until he was ready to find someone else new. now he wants a second slice.
he sends you open e-mails to draw you in. he is playing slow , and safe , with words to to entice you. to make you feel special.
he has nothing to loose, but you do. the worst part for you is guilt of knowing it is wrong, and hiding this from your husband.
this is like anything new, it is exciting , fresh, and makes you feel alive with feelings you may not be getting very often. but the new wears off and then you realize the mistake, and more than likely too late.
look at what you have, and have to loose . is it worth it? how will this effect your husband ? trust has been broken. look ahead to the future, not just what is in front of you. i hope this help's .
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