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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been married for 10 years and together for 5 years before that. About 6 years ago i had an affair due to unhappiness in our marriage, unacceptable I know. We seperated for six months then got back together and made a go of it. My husband had an accident and i nursed him back to health, as well as looking after our son and baby of three months old. I found out that he met a girl on the internet just before his accident and while i was at work or with kids he was texting, writing letters, sending flowers and on the internet and web cam with her, he even went and met her and slept with her. We are trying to make a go of it as i have made mistakes in the past. But I have just found out that he has also been having an on off affair, with the mutual friend that he stayed with when we split up. I knew they had slept together once when we split up and we had not spoken since.He would tell me that he was going walking for solitude and made me feel bad for denying him this time. But he would go and see her and sleep with her. He was also sending money to her.I am in turmoil as we are continuing to try and make our marriage work but at times i feel stupid and used and feel like a fool. I know if i was an outsider I would be saying what the hell are you doing with him!!I have no one to talk to to as i feel embarrased and if we do work things out I don't want the whole family knowing what has happened. Help xx
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2006): Dear XX:
I believe that you are only living with your husband for your kids and that is wrong! You write that you had an affair as well as your husband. The best advice that I am giving you is to let him go and you should have a new life. It is a agony to think about a divorce and all the things you have to do after, but "life goes on". I have a husband of 10 years, but my problems are not like yours. For me happiness is very important on each human being, if you are not happy, you will suffer. Think about it very well and live your life, you have only one life!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2006): i have recently found out my girlfriend cheated on me with a guy at work (jan 2006). She till works there and i want her to leave. I thought that our relationship was as solid as a rock, but i was wrong. Its very tempting for me to get even with her. She says it will never happen again and that she made the biggest mistake of her life. I realised after a few days of thinking that if the relationship was to survive i needed to change as well as her. I had to look at myself and change the things i thought were bad about me. Not for her, but for me. We also had to be completely honest with each other about EVERYTHING ! I have since told her lots of my bottled up thoughts whether she liked it or not and vice cersa. We both try VERY HARD indeed to not throw things that have happened in the past at each other, no matter how hurt you are. The past and future cannot be changed. Only the present moment is changable. If you both still love each other despite what you have both done theres a small chance you can work it out. It takes a lot of courage, believe me. There have been times when i thought i should have just kicked her out, but i cant stop loving someone overnight. So i decided that i would give her ONE last chance, and give myself One last chance to sort out the mess we were in. It seems to be working although its not been easy at all. I still get images of her in my mind being with someone else, but instead of getting even, I tell her what i`m feeling and thinking. I also told her that when i feel this way she should respond by holding me in her arms and telling me, in all honesty, how much she loves me and tell me how sorry she is. I have not been the best of boyfriends so she tells me when she feels bad and i do what she wants too. This helps enormously but feels very alien at first. It has to be something you both want to do. I also read a few books on relationships as did my partner. One i highly recommend is THE NEW INTIMACY BY JUDITH SHERVEN Phd. you can get it on AMAZON. I hope you can grab some advice or helpful info out of my experience and i wish you all the best in finding happiness with your partner. It isnt easy, i know, and there are lots of other people i could be with. i just chose to be with her. Be honest, be considerate,love each other, and never ever shout, just talk. You are special ! XXX
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A
male
reader, d4u04  +, writes (22 March 2006):
 You need to get over your embarrassment and end this my darling, he's been lying and sleeping around and it's not acceptable, no matter how much you want to make it work. Cheating and being upfront about it and then trying to make a go of it is commendable but lying and going behind your back is not. Of course the kids are an important factor and you can arrange for him to have access and what-not but don't stay with him just for their sake because kids are very intuative and will pick up on your unhappiness which may affect them more than you know.
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