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male
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*alloran
writes: Help! I'm trying to understand and get control of my anxiety!Here's the -rather complicated- situation:My girlfriend is going through a divorce although has not yet moved out of her ex's place as she is waiting for her new apartment to become available.I have suffered through two unsuccessful long term relationships which each lasted around 5 years. The most recent ended about 9 months ago.She is the assistant to one of the directors at work. Although we dont have a lot of business contact during the day, she works in the same office as me. It is very important to us that our relationship remain secret from our superiors and colleagues as there could be some serious conflicts of interest as she has access to information that I should not (and am not) privelige to.During the week, we see each other most days for lunch or for the occasional coffee break, but any physical contact is very much off-limit. In the evening time we will often go out, but due to the proximity of her to work, we cannot really have a great deal of contact with each other. Kissing and hand holding is often times off-limits.At the weekends, she will travel to my home (outside of the city) we can walk around town holding hands and enjoy a very intimate and open relationship.She has told me that she is in love with me and refers to me as "my love". We have planned a holiday together at the end of June and she has proposed me the idea that this time next year we should consider buying an apartment or house together, at which point she would resign from her job as she wants to change her career.So, although complex, everything seems to point to a potentially successful relationship. I feel that I am deeply in love with her and trust her implicitly. However, I find myself extremely anxious and feel the need to be with her all of the time.Is this normal considering the situation? Based on what you have read, what do you suggest to help me reduce this anxiety?
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female
reader, lisa_01  +, writes (23 March 2006):
 i think that its very normal for you to be feeling anxiety , your feeling restless because you cant be with her and its diffcult to not want to be with her when she is working around you. i think when she leaves her job it will be for the best because its creating concern and worry because of whats at stake, i dont think you should worry it seems that your relationship with her is growing and it sounds like she loves you as she would not leave her job for any old person. a little bit of time to do your own thing during the day is not a bad thing, i know if i worked with my bf and then went home to him aswell i think id go mad and move out but being together is nice but some alone time is always good in a relatonship too.
A
female
reader, Sexybum  +, writes (22 March 2006):
 I've got a small suggestion and it might seem a bit far fetched, but all advice is beneficial in some way!?!?! From reading your letter I would say that its obvious that as your relationship is building your constarints are becoming more and more fustrating. If something isn't done it could build a ridge in your relationship.
My suggestion would be for you to find a new job. It will be pretty intense working in the same office for your whole relationship and if going public is going to make work life impossible, then you really should decide. Wouldn't you be happy working elsewhere and then being able to be as open about your relationship as you like... Also if it doesn't work out, wll you be able to work in the same office anyway!? So you see either way finding a new job is good all round.
It will mean that the time you do spend together will be quality, you will be able to hold hands, kiss, express your love as much as you like, you can meet her in the lunch break, send flowers and best of all have your relationship know to everyone!!
Please bear in mind this is just advice from an outside point of view, and its up to you how you read / take it. I cannot promise that by you getting another job your relationship will be wonderful, just a thought I had ....
Let me know what you think, Sexybum x
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