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male
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anonymous
writes: Eight years ago I had an affair with the girl of my dreams - I was married then and I am still married now. I decided not to leave my wife at the time because I had a baby daughter. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I felt that I lost a good friend as well as a lover when the split was made. Recently I have made contact with this girl again over the internet, she only lives a few hundred yards away, I find myself in a lot of pain and anguish, she emails me back, says she misses me, and then goes quiet for weeks, and I feel I dont know what to do. She has a baby boy and a partner who I know doesn't make her that happy. I want her back so badly - I am addicted to her. How do I get her out of my system and move on again, she won't agree to meet me or discuss the past. I dont know what to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2006): Hun, you sound bored..really, really bored. You need to face the realities that marriage is not easy..everyday is mixed with pleasure and pain. You likely feel there is something missing. Suddenly there she is, the woman of your dreams, a fantasy (?) offering you a possible chance to re-ignite a spark you had with her 8 years ago. The sad fact is, some 'bored' people think they need a change of partner, when really what they really need is to change themselves. This is you. If you want to have a good partner, then you need to be a good partner. You are married and have a child and you still yearn for a woman, who is unhappy within her own relationship. She's turning to you only because she needs some attention..nothing more.
Her contact and then periods of no contact should tell you this. You are merely a temporary healing balm to her own feelings of discontent. Let her work at her own relationship and get over this. Have some respect for her partner and their child.
I think you need to develop yourself and mature some more to recognize that life is not always all about you and what feels good for you, right now. If you are married and have a child, you have an obligation and a commitment that far transcends what feels good for you. At some point in most extramarital affairs something either 'hits the fan' or one of the lovers decides that the affair will never go anywhere then tries to end the relationship. No matter what ensues - drama will occur and people do get hurt..badly. Most of the people involved in affairs believe that no one knows what's going on, but trust me, they do. Please re-think what you are doing and stop all contact with this ex gf. Think of your wife and child. Don't rely on your heart to tell you what to do; rely on your intellect. Do what logic tells you is the right thing to do.What you are proposing will create pain for all concerned. Commit to your marriage.
A
female
reader, juliagulia  +, writes (15 March 2006):
 I think you need to think about your marriage right now. Are you unhappy with your wife? I would imagine so if you have cheated on her and now you sit around pining for a woman you slept with 8 years ago. It isn't fair to your wife and you are not being true to yourself. If you are unhappy with your marriage, then you should leave and let your wife find someone who wants to be with her rather than someone who is always thinking of someone else, and you can move on to whatever it is you are looking for in a relationship. As far as this woman goes, I think you should leave her alone. She probably does have some fond memories and maybe a few nostalgic feelings, but she is with someone and she has a child. You need to learn to have some respect for commitment. You are probably just focusing on her because you can't have her - plain and simple. There is no reason for you to be friends with her since you still have romantic feelings. If you do decide to leave your wife, you can send her a message and let her know and once you are free and clear, if she wants to be with you, maybe she will make the necessary changes to be with you. If not, at least you are free to move onto someone who can make you happy. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2006): Two questions you need to ask yourself1) What lead you to propose to your wife in the first place?2) In your view, what is the foundation of your marriage?I just came through my own crisis and came up with answers to these questions that allowed me to get back on track with my marriage and avoid hurting the ones I love. If you are honest with yourself then you will discover the answers. The fact that you chose an affair and are willing to consider pursuing one again (yes you are - don't perpetuate the lie) probably means that you aren't confronting the questions I just asked.Good luck, and please take care to minimize the damage.
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