A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I have done a really terrible thing and I just need some help or advice on where to go and how to deal with my emotions. I have been married for nearly 3 years now and my marriage hasn't always been the most easiest. Around 6 months ago we were planning to separate but somehow found something within us to just work at it. Couple nights ago we went to a few of our friends house, also one married couple. We had been drinking loads and loads and one by one people started to call it a night and go to bed. The last ones standing were me and his best friend (also married) things got a bit carried away and we ended up kissing and having a fumble. (no sex) We stopped quickly and couldn't believe the craziness and called it a night and didn't speak about it. However, the next morning he winked at me and passed some flirty remarks via WhatsApp about how great it was etc. I have cut it off and said it was a stupid mistake and never ever to talk about it again. We have both agreed but I cant help beating myself over it. I have never done anything like this before and I regret every moment. I am a very religious person so its killing me that I broke my oath and vows whom was witnessed by God. I can't stop crying and its so hard to forget and move on because it's such an awful thing to do and I can't believe what a horrible person Ive turned out to be. I know it was so so wrong of me so please don't be harsh- you can't make me feel any worse than I already do.
View related questions:
best friend, flirt, kissing, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2020): OP, the way past any wrong doing, which is sin, against GOD, is to search inside your heart, to find where and why, you went wrong! I bring this up, as you state that you are very religious and are feeling guilt. Idk what religion you are, but I think that you are deluding yourself as to how well you are living this life. I am Christian, but anyone can call themself anything! There is a huge difference in being religious and being a sincere believing Christian. As a younger man, I went thru the motions: prayed at bedtime, went to worship on Sunday etc, yet I lived in sin, telling lies, committed adultry, and drinking to drunkeness! I was just doing religious stuff that I was supposed to do, the bare minimum! With time and age, GOD GAVE me wisdom and understanding, to confess my sins, TO GOD, and To Who I Wronged! It is so truly freeing, to confess our own wrong doing! Advice, quit drinking til drunk, when husband goes to sleep,stop partying and go to bed with him! Excess booze will destroy your marriage.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2020): Stop beating yourself and feeling guilty, most people have done much more than you did even though many would not admit it.
Don't worry about god, he/she does not exist.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (7 July 2020):
 Too much alcohol and a moment of weakness quite a dangerous combo. You stopped things before they went too far. Forgive yourself. God forgives us when we make mistakes. Just take care to never drink that much out in public again so that your senses aren't dulled.
I'd let the "friend" know in no uncertain terms that it was a mistake and never going to happen again and that he needs to stop sniffing around! Geez what a cad. His poor wife!
Continue to work on your marriage. Forgive yourself. No one has the right to judge. We are all human, all have weaknesses. You could have done far worse and you didnt.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2020): Sweetheart, your remorse is enough. It didn't go too far; and it was a human mistake. Too much alcohol lowers the inhibitions; and had you been in full control of your faculties, it probably wouldn't have happened.
Well, it has. If you ask God to forgive you, not to worry, He will! He understands human-weakness...remember, He made us! You were in a moment of weakness and vulnerability; you only partially failed the test of faithfulness to your husband, but fortunately is was only a mishap. God's divine-intervention stopped it, before it went too far. If you weren't faithful to your husband, you wouldn't have stopped.
I would recommend that you pull your male-friend aside; and tell him straightforwardly to stop with the flirtations! Tell him you want it fully understood that you let the alcohol get the better of you. You have no feelings or intentions towards him. God's got your back!
Always keep in-mind, you dropped your guard. It is the enemy's goal to destroy marriages, and breakup families. He is always at work to bring-on guilt, disruption, and destruction. He wants to undo or destroy anything God has done. Your faith is what protects you. Pray for your marriage, that's where God is the expert. He heals and repairs. He does it with love, and He totally forgives in the process. He said He would, so believe it, and that settles it!
You should temporarily block the guy from all your social media accounts; until you've had this talk. If anyone asks why; just act surprised, and say you'll fix it. It's not even a lie, you were eliminating anyone who shouldn't have access. He happened to give you a reason to block him. Don't send anything by text. or tell him over the phone. Don't setup a private-meeting. Next-time he comes over, tell him directly to his face! CUT IT OUT!!! Nothing will ever come of it, and acting like a jerk isn't helping. Don't feel threatened! He'd be in as much trouble as you'd be, if he blackmailed you.
You aren't feeling guilt...guilt comes from a dark place. You are feeling the convictions of the Holy Spirit. Knowing better through your spiritual-understanding, the knowledge of scripture, and love for your husband; you fully realize what you did was wrong. Conviction of the spirit is only to remind you that you went against your spiritual-teaching regarding faithfulness to your husband; but it was strong enough within you that you didn't go to the point of no-return. This wouldn't make sense or won't be understood by a nonbeliever. It's nonsense to them.
Now you realize it could have felt much worse; if you had actually had sex!
It's not to be dismissed or shrugged-off; just repent to the Lord. He will forgive you, and then you must forgive yourself. It was a moment of weakness, it involved too much alcohol; but there are no excuses. You regret that it ever happened. That proves that your spiritual-values set by your beliefs are still intact.
What people fail to understand about the goodness of Our Heavenly Father, is the limitlessness of His mercy, and boundlessness of His forgiveness. There is no love, like His! He is a sovereign, omnipotent, and an Almighty Spirit; not limited to our understanding, and the scope of our intellect. He's not a myth, a genie in a lamp, and no human has the mental capacity or righteousness within them to question His will or authority. He is the Creator of all things; and He can do or say whatever He pleases. That is exactly why He's so awesome! People deny His existence with their puny little scientific-arrogance; as if they have any proof He doesn't exist. I have testimony of how He has changed my life, and that's proof enough for me! Nothing just happens entirely by chance or coincidence, He's not the cause for everything that happens to us; but He is the remedy for all pain and suffering. Why do bad things happen to good-people? That is always the question. He's God! Who decides what He should do, or not do? What arrogant little flesh-puppet on earth has the self-righteous audacity to decide what righteousness is, and judge the works and actions of God? When they don't have a clue what's going to happen to them 30 seconds from that impudent thought! He knows! He even blesses and protects nonbelievers! He chooses to! He's good like that!
Why am I saying all this? So you'll be reminded, and comforted in knowing; that as a believer, you have a powerful resource to turn to for help. Unlike anything on earth!
I will pray for your marriage, I will pray things will workout according to God's plan. Just trust in Him, and believe. If you have "faith but the size of a mustard seed!" Just pray, and believe. Be patient, and wait. Pray for strength, while you wait.
God bless you, and your husband! Have no fear! May He mend your marriage, and receive all the praise and the glory only He deserves.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 July 2020):
 How do you think you can salvage your marriage if you do things like this?
And this is NOT me being mean or harsh, but asking you what you were really thinking?
Being drunk is not an excuse for anything. Yes, it ca lower the inhibiting of common sense, Lord knows we have all been idiots while drunk. BUT in that moment, what was your thought process? Was it:" OH I'm getting attention, and that feels great " or a "I'm horny and don't think"?
You know you can't keep this from your husband and that the friendship with this couple is probably over. So what is your next move?
Take responsibility and own it? Which would mean talk to your husband and deal with the fall out. Can your marriage still work with this?
Pretend it didn't happen and at some point your husband will hear it from the friend OR his wife? Could you build a marriage on a lie? Can you even begin to repair what is wrong if you can't handle yourself when drunk and can't be honest?
You have a lot of introspective thoughts to do.
As for beating you up, I'm not about that, but I'm also not going to tell you that it's no big deal, because it is.
Every action has a potential out come.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2020): Hi OP
Yes, you have done a stupid thing. You know this - so there’s no point me going on and on about that.
You say you and your husband decided to stay together.
But are the issues that nearly caused you to break up resolved? Are you talking to each other about your problems? Are you both moving forward or just ignoring your problems and pretending everything is ok?
These are the questions I feel you need to be asking yourself.
You said that your relationship has never been the easiest- then why did you two get married?
You’ve only been married 3 years and it seems like you two haven’t sorted any of your issues out at all.
It seems like you are unhappy in your marriage. Sweeping relationship issues under the rug never works. It just builds and builds and then spills out in unfortunate ways. For you, this was cheating on your husband.
You know that is not an excuse though.
I feel like a lot of marriages fail now as couples just don’t know how to communicate with each other. They ignore problems and hope they will go away.
You need to decide if you think your marriage is worth saving. If so, you both need to try harder. Whatever you have been doing for the last 3 years clearly isn’t working.
Whether you tell your husband about you indescretion really depends on how much you want your marriage to work, how much you value honesty. That’s a decision only you can decide.
You are going to feel bad for a long time, unfortunately those are the consequences. There is no magic pill to take that away.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (6 July 2020):
 You made a drunken mistake. You will not be the first, nor the last. Luckily it didn't go too far. Vow to never drink so much again that your inhibitions are lowered sufficiently to do something like that again. Then forgive yourself and concentrate on working on your marriage. If your friend's husband ever refers to it again, just shrug it off with something like "I was hammered that night. Never again." and change the subject.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2020): Nobody has the right to judge you and you did nothing wrong. You are human, it is normal to have doubts about a marriage from time to time and normal to give in to temptation when going through such times, especially when laughter and drink are involved. God would not judge you and nor should a mere human.
But I think it is very important that you do not repeat this. Your husband's friend thinks the land of promise is opening up before his eyes, he longs to enjoy more "sex" and better "sex" and thinks you will provide it for him.
He is selfish. He does not care about how it would affect your marriage or his friend -some friend he is then.
You must be firm. Do your best ignore him and avoid him and if he brings it up and gets pushy be very firm about how it will never happen. He must look elsewhere.
Believe me when a married woman decides to stray men come out of the wood work eager to be the lucky one, it is much harder for a married man to find someone, many of them end up going without or having to pay for it.
Why should you provide this pleasure for this guy so that he can avoid paying for it? Work on your marriage
and work on yourself and your self esteem.
God is there holding your hand each step of the way.
...............................
|
