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female
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*acyj
writes:i just came out of a relationship of 8 months, I have found the man i liked , likes porn, also cheats, and lies,I couldn't trust him at all. I have also found this in lots of other men, What is my problem, or what is their problem i am turning against men. And that bothers me. I was married for 30 yrs, and had a very good relationship, then my husband past away. Now i find men are not men any more, just players, jokers, sobs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008): Lacy, my wife had some bad experiences with men. The first was her first husband. He criticized her, lied to her and cheated on her. She was with him for more than 6 years. She had a couple of guys after her divorce who just used her for sex and then dumped her. She also went with guys who just wanted fun and sex and no relationship. That was fine with her, as that was all that she wanted at the time. They were both honest with each other when they started dating. Over the years, I have also had some very nice girlfriends and a couple who used me. A girlfriend when I was 20 just used me to make another boyfriend jealous so that he would ask her to marry him. However, neither one of us ever started to dislike the other sex as worthless liars. We just wrote the bad experiences off as bad decisions on our parts.
My wife was my first girlfriend after my divorce and I dated 4 other women in the next 2 years. Like her after she left her first husband, I was confused and not ready to settle down with one person right away. She knew what I was doing and was fine with it. Actually, she encouraged me, as she knew that had helped her.
Here is a similar question from a guy who seems to think that all women are cheaters. Read some of the answers to him.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/are-there-any-faithful-women-out-there-or.html
I’m sorry that you seem to have had more than your share of bad experiences with men, but you also had 30 years that a lot of women would die for. Men to, for that matter. However, you need to change your attitude or you will not be likely to succeed in finding the right guy. When we think failure and the worst then that is likely what we will get. My wife only found one guy out of 10 that would have been permanent partner or marriage material for her, but she didn’t give up. She almost did, but she just decided to be more selective who she dated and slept with.
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reader, lacyj +, writes (8 August 2008):
lacyj is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank everyone for helping me, i have already started a few changes, by breaking everything off with the guy i went with for 8 months.
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reader, lacyj +, writes (8 August 2008):
lacyj is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I did it, I just broke up with that sob friend i had for 8 months, all he had to say was (have a Good Day) What a duh, I can see why he is divorced.
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reader, lacyj +, writes (8 August 2008):
lacyj is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontroubledtomuch---It sounds like you have had a good marraige the same as i did, But it dosen't change my thought on the men i have met. Actually, it seems i have had to many guys hurt me, And i guess i just do not respect them as i used to. I am talking about since i was a little girl, Possibley that may have something to do with my feelings now, and each time i meet a guy and they hurt me , It just seems like everything from the past flashes back . And it makes me more bitter about guys. most men do seem to be so insensitive, and they won't comunicate, so i just give up. If they don't get what they want. they act like babies, I guess i am just a fighter. and i will remain that way. thank you for trying to help me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008): As usual, an excellent answer from the cowgirl. Of all the men who my wife dated, whe met the only 2 who she thought that she could marry at work (me being one of those). She also met a very nice man at a bar right after she left her first husband. She could have probably married him except that he had some phobias that were troubling. He was very nice to her and she dated him for over a year. The worst guy who she was with was introduced to her by a female friend. He was the worst man she ever went out with and just wanted to have as many 1 night stands with as many women as possible and was a terrible lover to boot.
The fact is that you can meet nice men and not nice at all men any place. The same goes for men meeting women. The advantage to meeting people at work or through an organization that you belong to is that you can know what they are like most of the time before dating them. I say most of the time because my wife didn't want to date me at first because she thought that I was stuck up. The fact was that I was just shy. Once she discoverred that, she decided to take a chance and discovered on our first date taht I was a lot of fun to be with. I still make her laugh several times a day. I also quickly discovered that she was more fun to be with than she projected at work.
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reader, lacyj +, writes (8 August 2008):
lacyj is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto troubledtomuch,ok i will admitt there are sobs in both sexes, But i can't figure out why, I have been finding so many or even running into so many sick guys, I myself consider my self a very nice person, i am a giver, i like dancing, swiming, gardening, walking, all that good stuff, i am not into alchol or into the bar scene, Sometimes i think i am too nice, and i am used to the older days, i don't know,I am 64 yrs old. And maybe i should go to class to find out about what the social world is like, I am going to a singles club, and they are having a dinner tonight. so I do think i will attend that. As you should know by now, i guess i really wouldn't know what women are like now days either, as i am not intrested in women, I really have given it a thought about just staying, single anymore.But i really do feel i want to be loved agin, and i have a lot of love to give. You see my husband had a stroke, when he was 57 yrs. old, i had to take care of him for 5 yrs, then he had another stroke, and that put him in a nursing home, i went to see and take him out almost every day, up until he could not get around, and was getting weak,, so all to gether, it has been about 16 yrs. since i have had anyone love me, And i haven't been able to love anyone myself, for that long , as i stood by my husbands side till the end. and i cry alot about that. But i also feel bad my husband didn't have a life either,
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008): If that is your attitude than I think your best solution is to just give up looking and resign yourself to being alone for the rest of your life. I do agree with you that those 2 men on the dating sites were just a$$holes. There are both men and women who are like that. I wouldn't know what men on dating sites are like, as I have no desire to find a boyfriend. Actually, I have no desire to find a girlfriend on a dating site either.
You say that men are different these days. So how do you explain your first husband? That was 40 years ago. Men and women aren't much different now than they have been for the last 50 years. Some of both men and women still cheat, lie and abuse in one way or another. Some always have done that. Sure, the physical abuse is mostly done by men. If women were the stronger sex then it would be the other way around. It even does happen when the woman is stronger than the man, but the men are too ashamed to report it. What about the women who won't have sex with their husbands unless they get something that they want, like jewelry or similar. They exist and I consider them just as much af a whore as any prostitute. There are bad partners of both sexes.
My wife and I get along so well because we compromise on everything that we don't completely agree on. We don't always agree, but we always come to a conclusion. We sometimes give in to the other's wishes and we sometimes don't. However, we come to a conclusion that it is at least acceptable to both of us. That is what life is about. We got married because we do have common interests, are able to change as the years go by and of the person's interests change. We never cheated on anyone. If we were dating 2 people at a time then we would make it known to those partners.
You say that divorced men will never change. Well, you are so wrong. I was far from the perfect husband to my first wife of more than 10 years, but I changed. I changed enough that she wanted me back a year after she left me. She had other boyfriends, so it was not out of desperation. She could see the change that I had made to my bad qualities. We still kept in contact after the divorce, as it was a civil divorce. We worked out all the details ourselves and just allower her attourney to sign off on it.
You have had more than the average amount of bad luck with the number of men who you have dated. However, you did have a good one for 30 years. I'm sorry that he is still not around to make you happy, but there are men out there who are good to thier partners. Not perfect, but as I said, no ne is. And that includes women, although you seem to have trouble understanding that. You seem to think that just all men are pigs and that women are the abused perfect people. Unfortunately, there are also men who think the same, with the sexes being reversed.
There are good men and bad men. There are also good women and bad women. Some people seem to get most of the bad ones and some seem to get most of the good ones. Some men and women never find a pertner who they can live with for very long. Sometimes it is the fault of the partner and sometimes it is their own fault for either being too judgemental or driving the other person away with unreasonable demands. With the attitude that you have right now, I think that your quest for the "perfect" man is hopeless.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008): Hi lacyj,
Unlike the majority of other ladies, I have met very nice guys in clubs. I like dancing and I like music, and I have found company with people who lik dancing and music as well. Yes there are users and abusers out there, but your as likely to find them in a nightclub as your to find them in a library or supermarket.
I don't know, I look for men who look like they want to be friends rather than partners. I believe in frienship first, the romance stuff comes afterwards. Think about your goals and intrests, think about what you like to do. Go to a class, learn a language, learn to love your company and go out with friends. Romance happens when you expect it least, when you are actively looking, you send out signals that may attract the wrong sort. Take relationships slowly, find out the person you desire and you may find that the next relationship goes well. Take heart, there are tons of nice men out there, but they may not be your first choice. Broaden your horizons, maybe a younger man, and older man, somebody who has the same hobby as you and then see if you and he can build friendship first.
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reader, lacyj +, writes (8 August 2008):
lacyj is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto the man who is troubledtomuch---I have been through a life time of problems, i was divorced yrs ago, that man turned out to be n alcholic abuser to me and the kids, he is still an alcoholic, and has been trough 5 marraiges since we were divorced. It took me 7 yrs, to get up enough never to even start dating guys again, then finally i met a guy and we lived with each other for five years. the we finally got married, we were the best of friends, lovers, we could comunicate. we didn't cheat or lie to each other, And we did everything together, I do know what life is all about and there are way to many out there that are sobs. Just look on the dating sights, and see what type of guys are out there.If i could i could name many of them, Fact is just this morning, 2 guys wanted to get to know me, and their way of showing it is By showing me pictures of their privates, , now i think that is very insulting, and i hate it. To me men are just not men anymore.,
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008): Guys aren't any different now then they were 30 years ago, at least comparing what you wrote to what my wife has told me about many of her boyfriends from 30 years ago. There are also many men and women who expect their partner to be perfect and complain when they find one thing wrong with them. Nobody is perfect. Yes, lieing and cheating is a real problem, but don't expect perfection in every way. My wife and I certainly don't and we have been together for nearly 30 years, married for over 22 of them. Very happy the vast majority of the time. Yes, we have occcasionally had arguments, but we have solved the problem that started the argument.
You say that divorced men can't be trusted and are something to stay away from. Would you rather look for a man who is your age and has never been married. Would you then wonder why he has never been able to find anyone in all of those years. I could say the same thing about all women that you say about all men. You say that there is a reason why he is divorced. Perhaps the wife was cheating and lieing, or doesn't that possibility enter your mind.
My wife and I were both once divorced. She had 10 boyfriends between her first husband and me. A couple of them were nice, most were fun to be with and a couple were real losers. The good ones lasted a few months to a year and the bad ones lasted 1 or 2 dates. She didn't give up and broke up with her last boyfriend the night after our first date. Her and I both dated more than one person at a time at times. I guess in your mind we were both worthless players, or does that just go for the men who do that?
A couple of you ladies have said that all the men out there are the ones that women have thrown out. Well, let me tell you that there are a lot of women out there who are the same. Don't think that your sex is something special and perfect. Believe me, not so. I have been lucky enough to find a woman who is special. She is loving, considerate and about as perfect as one can reasonably expect. She says the same of me.
Lacyj, there are also men out there who feel the same about women as you do about men. My wife had 2 or 3 boyfriends who had no desire to get in a serious relationship because of women who cheated on them. There have also been posts on this board from men who think the same of women as you think of men. My advice to both the men and women who think this way is to either give in to a life of being alone or give up your quest for the perfect person. That person does not exist unless he/she is a gutless person who just bows to their partner's every wish.
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reader, lacyj +, writes (8 August 2008):
lacyj is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfirst of all i thank you all for your answers, one thing i do not do is go to bars, I have went to a singles club, went to a few social functions Like picnics,and have talked to a few guys on the internet. The internet seems to be the worst place to meet a guy, There they can really lie , cheat, talk like a super nice guy,They do not have to look you in the eye, I really have become hardened towards men, Right now the guy that was my boy friend, He is still on the computer, and it says he is away from his desk and it has been almost 24 hrs. This is the types of guys one just cannot trust. the ones that have been divorced, it seems there is a good reason why they are, Cause sunner or later their real person starts to show up. Oh well, i will be just happy that i had one in amillion for so many yrs, I hate being alsone, but i will not let some guy use or make a fool of me,
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reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (8 August 2008):
 Although you may not think it, you are a very lucky lady, to have had 30 years with one wonderfull man. They are as rare as rocking horse S***. LOL.
I seem to have spent my life picking up one dodgy bugger after another. Hopefully I got the right one this time, but you never know do you?
I think peoples attitudes have changed (men and women) nothing seems to be for keeps anymore does it?. I am told there are nice men out there, you just need to look in the right places. I think thats quite funny, because it makes it sound as though we are looking for some mythical creature. But is it to much to ask for a man to have manners and to be kind, thoughtfull, respectfull, honest, and faithfull.
Instead of getting one that lies, is selfish, has bad habits i.e: scatching thier arse, farting and thinking its funny, even when they are in company or dinning out, and biting thier nails (toe) ewww.
Maybe we really are looking for a unicorn.
Dont give up though, have your stun gun ready. he!he! XXXX
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reader, hlskitten +, writes (8 August 2008):
 Hey you're not alone in that thinking, i recently started thinking like you, i was with a wonderful man for 9 yrs i met through work, and had 2 children with him. Im 8 yrs on from that and only meet messers. But i came to the conclusion i am hanging around in all the wrong places. Are you going to pubs, clubs, places like that? Because even though ive been called judgemental for saying it, but i personally dont believe you meet real men in places like that usually. I would even say you're better off looking in lonely hearts columns, lets face it, the stigmas not attached to that anymore. I work at home now and its very isolating. Where do you work? I have decided after these school holidays, i am off to get a job out the home and we get to meet people all the time in social type jobs. So my sis tells me anyway! Shes been happily married for 10 yrs, met him through work. Its a case of mixing with men, not boys.
There are plenty of men still around even if it doesn't seem it. We just need fate to step in at some point.
Good luck.
C xxxxx
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008): Don't jusge us too harshly, lacy.
There are good men out there, but you will never ever meet them in clubs or pubs. Those are havens for one night stands at best.
You could try net dating (this must be done carefully as it's easier for creeps then real life), speed dating, joining a gym or some other extra curricular activity.
Good luck.
Flynn 24
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female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (8 August 2008):
 Sweetie, It does seem that all the 'good' men are not available and all that is left are the ones that other women have thrown out!! I know things can get very lonely on ones own but you must really be more picky and less tolerant in your relationships with men. Before you get too involved with them tell them exactly what you want out of a relationship and that you will not tolerate any cheating, lying etc. You will have to be very strong otherwise you will be hurt again and again.
Honeygirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008): Stop going for the bad ones, when you realise one guys a creep, dump him. You stayed with your last b/f for 8 months, what do you expect if you put up with it?
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