A
female
age
41-50,
*ilyBoxing
writes:I am so mentally messed up over someone and i don't know what to do about it! I can't stop dwelling on him! And I am driving my own self crazy!! So here is the story......I started a fling last year with someone at my work. It was mostly sexual. We would meet up to have sex. But I am really not that kind of girl. Of course in my mind I was thinking it was going to be much more. Silly me!!! But then he started this routine where after we would hook up, he wouldn't really contact me or pay attention to me or be nice to me. SO I thought well he is just playing hard to get or being a typical guy, he will come around. But at the same time, I was very pushy. I would text him a little too much or ask him why he hasn't said hello to me today......Now rem. we work together and nobody at work knew about it so we were being secretive. So this kept on for a few months. But it was not good because he we just very disrespectful to me. I guess he wasn't that into me but then when we would hook up he would profess his desire to me and how much he missed me blah blah blah!!! Finally after being treated badly for months, I told him off one day. We had gotten together and for 6 days after he didn't once return one message from me....completely ignored me!!! So after I told him off he told me to never contact him again. SO i didn't!!!! But then I became obsessed with him.....I couldn't believe he could just cut it off like that without a care.....Next stage........some time went by and we would see each other at work and we did the staring thing....eye contact thing.... We have a lot of attraction for each other and so I kept hoping he would contact me or want to start seeing me again....Every time he would stare I would think that he still wants me. I even lost a lot of weight, looked great just so he would pay attention to me....so pathetic!! So now 6 months go by....and whats the worse thing ever that could happen and did happen.....He started hooking up with another person who works in the same place. And on top of it he acts so attentive to her.....Everyday it kills me. All I can think about is why? Why does he treat her like that and he didn't me......(and a side note....not to sound arrogant but I am much better looking then her too). And he will be standing with her then look over at me like hahaha....It is just all so upsetting and I feel like I am going to go to crazy...I just want to be able to stop thinking about him altogether and move on but I can't....Im obsessed about it!! And now I have started asking about him to people at work like I am obsessed.....Like why her not me? Why did he treat me so badly? And why does he have to flaunt it in my face? He is being so open about it...that is weird too!! Some disclosures that should be added.....HE IS MARRIED!!! AND THE NEW GIRL IS MARRIED SO THEY ARE REALLY HAVING A FLING! And I am not married but very single!!! Please knock some sense into me and help me!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): All you need to do is keep reminding yourself that he is a pig, he is a married man and he is CHEATING on HIS WIFE. And you were THAT GIRL, YOU WERE THE OTHER WOMAN.
I am sorry if this is harsh or rude, but I dislike women who sleep with a married man and then are all oh I love him I want him, why doesn't he call? HE IS MARRIED AND THAT MEANS HE IS OFF LIMITS. So forget him.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 November 2012):
 Everyone wants to be loved - there is no shame in that. And I do think you can "excuse" your behavior (up to a point) due to the loss of your parents. And may I say, I'm sorry you lost your parents. Having SUCH a big loss in your life and so recently, well it's not really odd that you may not be thinking clearly.
I still grieve of the loss of my Mom and it's been almost 2 1/2 years, it does get better.
With that said. Now you know, grief can make us see things with less clarity.
Go out with friends, visit family. Get on with your life. And when you go to work, thank the STARS that he did end it. And feel sorry for the cheating boss and his skanky new "lover". Every time you start to think of him in a more "romantic light" think DOUCHE and change your train of thought. Or try that rubber band method Anon mentioned. Sooner or later you will not look at him so positively.
And I still stand on the, look for a new job (but don't quit this one til you get a better one) - this place is not really conducive to a healthy work environment.
And good luck. Shit happens, time to move on! Chalk this one up to a OMG! I can't believe I did something that dumb.!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 November 2012):
Everyone wants to be loved - there is no shame in that. And I do think you can "excuse" your behavior (up to a point) due to the loss of your parents. And may I say, I'm sorry you lost your parents. Having SUCH a big loss in your life and so recently, well it's not really odd that you may not be thinking clearly.
I still grieve of the loss of my Mom and it's been almost 2 1/2 years, it does get better.
With that said. Now you know, grief can make us see things with less clarity.
Go out with friends, visit family. Get on with your life. And when you go to work, thank the STARS that he did end it. And feel sorry for the cheating boss and his skanky new "lover". Every time you start to think of him in a more "romantic light" think DOUCHE and change your train of thought. Or try that rubber band method Anon mentioned. Sooner or later you will not look at him so positively.
And I still stand on the, look for a new job (but don't quit this one til you get a better one) - this place is not really conducive to a healthy work environment.
And good luck. Shit happens, time to move on! Chalk this one up to a OMG! I can't believe I did something that dumb.!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2012):
Cognitive behavioural therapy.
Buy yourself and ecstatic band and place thus over your wrist, whenever you think of mr pratface, ping the band and your response will be 'ouch' keep that going every time you think of said donkey ass.
Take up some new hobbies, get out clubbing and get flirty with guys who are YES single..
Remind yourself your knickers should be as high as your morals and you'll get through this sweetie..
Don't don't don't ever date married men again..
Take care.
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A
female
reader, LilyBoxing +, writes (24 November 2012):
LilyBoxing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk..you are completely right!! And hysterical!! I am not offended at all and respect your bluntness! It is true, I am pathetic that I am stooping to such a low level! Another aspect to this story is that one of my parents just died ....someone I was very close to so I am feeling very lonely and like I have nobody in the workld who loves me!! And then I don't get why he didn't care about me!! And I know I am feeling so sorry for myself right now. But I just can't stop these pathetic feelings. Then when I get to my workplace and see them carrying on, It just brings me down even more... I just want to be free of all this! I don't want to think about it anymore. i don't want to care anymore!!! But I can't stop my obsessive thoughts.....Can anyone give me a technique to help me stop feeling this way besides a lobotomy...just joking!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 November 2012):
******Please knock some sense into me and help me!!!****
OK - honey, here is my advice - STOP mucking about with married men! It ought to be beneath you! And RARELY EVER does something GOOD come from this.
My suggestion, look for a new job. Leave this sleazy work place and start thinking about WHO you want to be as a person & human being. Do you really want to "that girl"? You know the one who will screw a married man and have no conscience? The girl who thinks if she opens her legs the guy will "LUV" her?
As for why he treats her differently. Well, she is married so she has as much to "lose" as he does - it makes them more "even". Specially if neither of them really want to leave their marriages. So he can afford to treat her kindly.
You on the other hand became OBSESSED - Pretty sure he was thinking Fatal Attraction or bunny boiler when he looked at you. That doesn't inspire loving feelings, but resentment and fear.
Why does he flaunt in your face? Because, Frankly my dear, he didn't give a damn about you. You were a willing and convenient hole to park his penis in.
Sorry if my post was blunt, but you should know better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2012): Your answer was very helpful!! Thank you!! And when I said I was much better looking, I really didn't mean it in an arrogant way!! Believe me I know looks aren't everything!! But what I meant was I can feel that attraction between us... The chemistry!! Or maybe I am fooling myself ... Who knows... Either way I do need to move on, you are right! I am only hurting myself ...!! I keep asking myself, in all this agony you are suffering , what exactly do you want to happen!?? And I guess I want him to choose me ... Haha .. I mean there can't be a future ... He is married!! And I think your right, he can have a more carefree relationship with the other woman... Whereas I was prob a pain in the ass lol lol!! Ok now that I can intellectualize it all ... I just want to stop all the obsessive thought patterns ... Someone tell me how to do that... Please
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 November 2012):
 Why is treating her differently, well, one is a very lame but still very possible answer : because he likes her more than he ever liked you ( looks are not everything ). But even more possible, I think, is because she is maried too: He knows she won't go crazy, she won't obsess him, shower him with texts and requests for attention and affection. They are on a more even keel, - simple, carefree, dramafree fun. She wants some fun on the side, he wants some fun on the side- that makes for a more relaxed, enjoyable relationship.
As for your obsession, if you are aware that is self damaging and unhealthy, alas there's not much more that any Aunt can tell you. I mean, we could maybe convince you that this obsession is a silly way to ruin your life if you disagreed, but , since you agree this is what it is, who better thyan yourself to take back control over your life and put all your energy into moving on , rather than in rehashing the past. We can't do that for you.
On a practical level, I guess we can suggest two things- if it is possible to ask to be transferred to another office or mansion, so you don't have to by elbow by elbow with the guy all day. Or maybe, always if possible and sensible, start looking for a different job.
And, resort to counseling . It may be a big help in repatterning your thought process toward more productive directions.
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