| A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: Hi!Me and my boyfriend have been dating for over two years now. Two months ago we moved together in a new city. Two weeks ago I did something horrible, something I can never forgive myself. I hacked, literally hacked into his email account.Why?Because I was suspicious and sad. It was also a bit of an accident, I didn't believe it would actually work. I was suspicious of him because of the way he changed his behaviour towards his phone after the first night he got drunk with his new friends (there were also girls). He always turned the phone when texting so I could not see who he was texting. He also took the phone with him into the bathroom while showering. And locked the door. He hadn't been like that way before the first drunken night. It didn't help me to know that he had already two times betrayed my trust by being flirty etc towards other girls during our relationship. First time he had texted flirty messages with another girl. When asked about me he told her that I was "just a friend". I found out about that by accidentally reading his Facebook messages. He forgot to log out while using my computer. Obviously we managed to work that out and stayed together. I started to trust him again.But then, a bit over a half year ago, he was working on a camp. There was a girl who was like 3 years younger than us. He had been too nice and flirty with her. She sat in his lap and one night she even went to spoon him on the couch. (He said he was sleeping, I guess I believe him.) It still hurt me deeply to find out that he had not mentioned to that girl that he was taken. I was so hurt because I felt my trust towards him shatter again. That time I was just so sad to think that wow, he doesn't want to say he's taken when someone tries to flirt with him and obviously make a move on him. He said that he didn't know when someone was flirting with him. We got over that too. Although he was an asshole and put us on a break. That should have been my job, I didn't want or need a break. And it was a very shitty thing to do because at time my mother had just had a heart attack (she survived) and my brother was diagnosed with a disease that lasts for a life. I was already in a deep place.So, that is why I was suspicious about his behaviour and was tempted and stupid enough to hack into his account.Did I find anything?Actually, yes. Exactly one year ago he had had a short email conversation with an anonymous lady. It went about like this:Random lady: I'm coming to the town next weekend, would someone like to have sex with me? ;)He: Here's a taken guy who would like to try a new lady ;) email me if you are interested ;)RL: Sounds great! Send me a pic of your equipment ;)He: *sends a naked picture of himself. Face doesn't show*It hurt. It was a response to a dating site. It hurt to think that he could have been bored of me. Or that he had cheated on me. So I decided to call him (he was partying with his new friends) and tell him what I had done. I asked about the conversation and he only said that he did that kind of stuff out of boredom. He never really wanted to meet anyone. He had never cheated on me. I was like Okay nice. Can we talk? (about me hacking into your email.)But then the Hell arised. He would come home in the morning and not say anything to me. He didn't even react to me. Then when he finally had had enough of my crying and need to solve things out he shouted that he wanted a break. Okay, I said. We are on a break and not seeing anyone else at time. I understand I betrayed his trust by reading his emails. But the reason why I read them was because of him breaking my trust twice before.It's been half a week and I'm so confused. One day we are doing fine. We are smiling and hugging and watching TV. Yesterday we almost had sex but stopped because it was a pretty bad idea. He still didn't know what he felt towards me otherwise me being important to him. He said he has forgiven me and that he could possibly love me one day again. But he doesn't know it yet.I thought we were heading for the better direction hence he has had some time to think now because my siblings are over our flat. But this evening he just came up to me suddenly and told that he had filled in an application about a new appartment. I was shocked.. How could he do that before talking to me about that first? We live in a student appartment. I don't know if I can even live in this flat alone since his name is also signed under the conctract.I asked why. Was I making him feel so bad? He nodded. He said we are on a break still,this doesn't mean directly that we are going to break up. He had been talking with his mate from work and he had suggested about making an application. Now he is on line waiting for a flat. He could get it already next week or next month, who knows.I am feeling torn apart because I really believed that we could work this out. I have always forgiven him and all the shitty behaviour he put me through. I never said I needed time to think what I feel about him. I love him. Have always loved. I feel he is betraying my trust again by making a move to out without talking to me about it first. I said him before we moved in together that he couldn't just step out of this suddenly. And he said he knows. And he is still doing this. I can afford this flat but it is gonna be very rough for me if he really moves out.I know the trust we built is shattered. I'm ready to try to fix it, he doesn't know. He said there was nobody else, he is not interested in other girls. But not particularly in me either. He needs time to think. What should I do? What should I say to him? Is there any chance he could trust me again (I could do that, why couldn't he?)? Do you think he is doing this because he feels that our broken trust is his reason after all? He keeps saying to me that I'm not a bad person and I need someone better than him. I've told him that I love him and want only him. What should I do? Please respond.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 April 2017):
 No don't get back with him, it will be the biggest regret if you do. You need to be kind to yourself and when someone treats you this bad you need to take control and say enough is enough. He doesn't love you, and he will never respect you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2017): //EDIT (I asked this question.)I also found out he had made a secret Facebook profile with his second name. And had followed pages including singles. He was shocked and angry and said it was just for fun. Then he said we are not together anymore, end of the story. He deleted me as a friend in FB. The last 2 weeks have been absolutely horrible and confusing. Every other day he said "I love you" and even once we made love. And then suddenly he was again like "But I don't really know.." blaah. He started talking about his (female) friends more which was nice. He wasn't trying to hide them anymore. But then two days ago his brother came to this city and they went out together. I asked where they went and my ex seemed like he didn't want to tell. Finally he did and I went to the club they had gone. His brother started to lecture me how it was wrong that I, ME, could see my friends but he couldn't (I never said he couldn't..). I got mad because my ex blamed it all over me although it was he who didn't know about his feelings towards me and that's why he broke it of. I leaved them and later on the brother came to apologize. We made up and I went to sit because I was really torn apart about the whole thing (and drunk). Then the ex came over and I started crying because he made me feel guilty about coming to see them and ruining their night... He got enough and said we should head home. When we were trying to leave his brother stopped us and after seeing me cry lead me to the couches. He talked to me a long time about me and my ex's situation (he didn't know we weren't together anymore, he thought we were on a break). He was nice and comforting and I felt a little better. He made our fight sound so stupid. Well, he didn't know everything but still.Me and my ex went home. Here we started fighting and he said such awful things: "I don't care about you, I will never love you again, I will NEVER kiss you again. I will break my promise (not to date other people while living together), I will see other women, I will kiss them and I will fucking sleep with them. I don't care about your stupid crying, I don't even care whether you slit your wrists or not." And I'm pretty sure he also said that I was ugly. Of course he was drunk and mad and I know he didn't mean everything. But when in the morning I asked about the things he had said, asked if he meant them or not, he just game me the silent treat. Finally he got mad and said that he meant the thing about seeing other women. I felt horrible because 24 hour before we had had a beautiful night of loving and making love.Then I had enough. I applied for a new flat and I got one (in half an hour, wow). I will move into that one in three weeks. And the best thing? He still hasn't heard about his flat application (which he did two weeks ago without asking me first). There's a possibility he won't have one when it's time to move out - he has to go too, because he is not a student. We are still friends and it's okay to live with him (for a while). I just feel sorry for his family because the really liked me. I will miss them too. (I also kind of like the feeling that his family will give him a hard time for leaving me.)Thoughts? Did I do the right thing? What if in the future he realizes this was the biggest mistake he has ever done? (It is a big mistake for him, I don't know how other women will want to put up with this.) If he comes back and asks me to get back together, what should I do? What if I still like him then?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (10 March 2017):
The only thing I can say to you is to end it, honestly he is never going to change, he is always going to lie and probably cheat, you are always going to be paranoid and wondering what if. You deserve better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2017): By the time I had read just 1/4 of your post I thought it's madness you're still with this man. End this relationship, it seems 90% certain that he's cheated or at least willing to find opportunities. You're young and I imagine that you cannot imagine life without him. The thought of 'throwing away' the time you have already have shared together makes you want to keep pursuing and foring this relationship to work but in reality it would likely be better for you both to not waste your future in such a negative relationship. Splitting up with him will feel shit for a long time, you will want to have him back but that is because he is what you have known for years. But once you give yourself time to heal then life will be better, you'll suddenly realise how refreshing it is NOT to be needing to check someone's phone or Internet history, to not be worrying where someone is and who they are with. You're life will be your own and instead if wasting your energy and trying to force someone to appreciate you, you'll actually appreciate yourself and you friends. Get out more with the girls and live your own life. His actions are not those of someone who wants to be in a relationship. He wants to be out with mates and probably likes the attention from other women because he's still immature enough to find that exciting. A healthy and happy relationship does not leave someone needing to check up on their partner and as much as you desperately want to fix things these aren't problems you can fix on your own. He wants his own space and it's probably best that you accept that and do the grown up thing and let him move out. You will both have to be mature enough to speak to the landlord, I highly doubt he could move out within a week as he will need to give your landlord notice to take his name off of the tenancy and you may need to find someone else to share the cost of the place with you.A break while you are still living under the same roof will not work. Its impossible to actually have a break while you're both still in the same house and watching TV together; you just want him to love you so you're going to be of course trying to cuddle up and act positive when currently there isn't much positive things in the relationship. You can't magically fix this, the relationship just sounds mentally draining and neither of you are happy. He probably wants to break up but realises you will not take it well. Take some power back yourself and look at how this relationship makes you think and act and end it yourself. Once you grieve for it being over you will wonder why on earth you stayed in it for so long.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (2 March 2017):
 Is there any way you can go to citizens advice bureau or something? Not sure want country you're in but you NEED to get out of this setup- he's a dirty rat of a CHEAT.
I'm sorry but random strangers care more about you than this JERK. He's taking up offers of sex online- WAKE UP.
I know you're in pain but you're LETTING him mug you off. Please see the campus counsellor/ citizens advice AND a close friend/ relative advice for what to do practically here.
Get your head in gear girl. You know he's a waste of space, you just need the courage to ask for help and kick him out of your life.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (2 March 2017):
Is there any way you can go to citizens advice bureau or something? Not sure want country you're in but you NEED to get out of this setup- he's a dirty rat of a CHEAT.
I'm sorry but random strangers care more about you than this JERK. He's taking up offers of sex online- WAKE UP.
I know you're in pain but you're LETTING him mug you off. Please see the campus counsellor/ citizens advice AND a close friend/ relative advice for what to do practically here.
Get your head in gear girl. You know he's a waste of space, you just need the courage to ask for help and kick him out of your life.
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (1 March 2017):
Oo sweetie kick his ass to the grass now .. he wants out .. good pack his stuff now and when he gets home say here you things .. start looking for a room mate now .. get some poster up .. put some words out .. no matter if it's s female or male get someone to do for now give them a 2 month qualifying period to see if you two click but start detangling yourselves now ..
He is the most lamest shittiest bf ever and you deserve better .. you certainly do . So get rid of him now ..
He's already cheated .. he lies .. most decent thing if you can call it that is to tell you he's getting a new place
You don't need this cwap .. honestly you don't . It will hurt .. I know that but do is this much worse .. he's downgraded you and thinks you'll accept it .. tell him to the hit road and you mean it .. he can't see what he had more cool him ..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2017): If you had been sending naked pictures of yourself to some strange man as a prelude to having sex with him, would you expect your boyfriend to be ok about it?If some man had spooned you and you hadn't told him you are taken, would you expect your boyfriend to be ok about it?Your boyfriend then hacks into your email account, because you're acting guarded with your phone and YOU make it ALL about him hacking into your email. Can you ever trust HIM again??You have got this arse about face. He is the one who should be on his knees begging your forgiveness for what he's done, not the other way around. He knows he has got you, hook, line and sinker and he can do whatever he wants and you will just suck it up. Reclaim some dignity, some power and some self respect. See him for what he is. You KNOW what he is because you said yourself that you should be the one calling a break and not him. But you won't do it, because you are addicted to him and how. The very first time you found him breaking your trust by sending nude pictures of himself to a strange woman as a prelude to sex, you should have ended it. Even if what he says is true (that it wasn't serious) and that's a mighty big 'if', it was STILL WRONG. People in committed and loving relationships do not send dick pics to another woman. END OF. He has you so confused with his explanations and wounded expressions that you can no longer see the wood for the trees. LISTEN...... what he did was WRONG. It hurt you badly and you have gone through hell ever since wondering what he is up to. He broke your trust knowing that he is offering himself up for sex with random women. Even if it was just a joke. (Rubbish by the way). And he is not as bothered with this relationship as you are. That is why you are ready to forgive and try and move on and he isn't. He doesn't care. He does not deserve your love. He does not deserve your puppy dog devotion. He deserves a massive kick up the backside out of the door! Find it within you to stop this torture that he puts you through every day. Look out beyond him to where you will breathe relaxed breaths, smile, feel confident and be happy again. Because there is no way on this earth that you will ever feel like this while you are with HIM. Let some other poor cow put up with his emotional abuse. Good luck and happy life x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2017): I am so sorry, but it sounds to me like your boyfriend really wants to be single, but he is such a spineless coward that he will not just man up and break up with you all together. He seems to be keeping you on the hook with this "break" that you are on, because you would not accept a full breakup, and/or he doesn't respect you enough to tell you the truth. From your story, it really looks like he has been lying to you and cheating on you for a while now. (another cowardly, disrespectful action on his part)I know that you probably do not want to hear that, and that you really like or maybe love him still, but you cannot control what he wants. If he does want to leave you, the relationship will end no matter what. You cannot do anything or change anything to make him want what you want.My advice for you would be to break up totally and grieve your relationship as much as you need to. Don't do this "on a break thing" since it is not working, and ends up hurting you more by keeping you with some hope he may come back, when he won't. It will drain away all of your remaining self esteem.It will be a lot more complicated ending this while you are still living together, but maybe you should take a few days or more to stay at a friends place and go no contact, just to collect yourself and your feelings. You do not trust him, and he does not respect you. That is toxic and you both can do better. If he is on the lease, you may want to look into what his responsibilities are in terms of rent for the rest of the lease though. Does he owe his half until you find another roommate, and is there a way to take his name off the place? (trust me: when he moves out you will need him to stay out)Again, I am sorry and I know it is a painful time. Keep yourself busy with supportive friends, activities and hobbies as best you can, and know that it is not your fault if this doesn't work out. R
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 March 2017):
 You two have a toxic relationship that IS NOT working. No matter how much you IGNORE the issues (and you are ignoring them) it will not magically fix itself, not will it ever work.
Your BF has checked out of the relationship mentally and now he also have one foot out the door. GOOD riddance. I think if I were you, I'd be a little petty and end it NOW and kick him out. OR you get yourself a NEW place to live ASAP - maybe a roommate situation to start with.
There IS no fixing this.
He is looking for casual sex online. He is flirting with other girls and whenever you question him HE wants a break.
Honey, when people have "breaks" in a relationship it DOESN'T fix the issues. It's just a precursor to what will happen eventually (sooner rather than later) A BREAKUP.
You may LOVE him, but he doesn't love you to the same extent. And sometimes we love someone who ISN'T good for us. And HE isn't good for you.
You come off as desperate to STAY with him. Not because you have something amazing but because you think you NEED him. You don't. You NEED to let him go. And he IS right when he says you deserve better.
Him looking for a new place is a good thing. Sit him down and sort out how and what you two need to do in order for you to take over the student housing. So HE gets his name OFF the rental and you can either find someone else to live there or of you can afford it, live there by yourself.
My guess is your BF was doing all these DEAL BREAKER things BEFORE you moved in together, you just didn't know. But his TRUE self is showing after BARELY 2 months of living together. LET him go.
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