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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Ok so this may sound petty but I'm pretty worried about where my relationship is going and how much I trust my boyfriend at the moment. Now, I know mobile phones have taken over but whenever me and my boyfriend would go out we would try not to be glued to our phone screens - other than if/when we had to. But since getting a new phone my boyfriend has been on it more than ever! Now there's a bit of a back story here as I have asked him a few times to remove a girl - who I find to be a 'threat' of a form of social media, he laughed it off called me stupid but did it. I didn't hear about her for a while now but recently with the increased usage on the phone I wondered if it was anything to do with her. I wrongly checked his phone while he wasn't in the room and found that he had contacted her earlier in that day, I was cross and I don't know what/how to confront the situation as that means he will know I went 'snooping'. I just want to know if I am being insecure and worrying about nothing or if I should act upon it.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 March 2017):
 I think you should tell us more about why this girl is a threat before we can judge!? I mean yes this would upset me, but I would never ask my boyfriend to delete someone unless their was a big enough reason to, I mean if you trust him then why would it matter who he is talking to?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2017): Well, "curiosity kills the cat;" doesn't it? You snooped, so you may as well address the issue. Your suspicion has been confirmed.
Trust has no value unless it is earned and justified. He can't trust you to respect his privacy, and you can't trust him to be faithful and honest. So you both cancel each other out. Jealous girlfriends are not good for the long-term. It's unrealistic to think you'll be the only female in his life. You're his girlfriend, not his wife. He's a grown-man, you can't choose his friends; let alone their gender.
Based on the knowledge that he is contacting a girl you feel threatened by, I would assume you feel you shouldn't trust him? Unless you have a good reason to believe they are actually cheating, suspicion is not enough.
What's the point of snooping unless you expect to find something? Okay, you've found something. Now what?!!
I have to be honest and frank with you. He's going to have female friends; and if you feel threatened by every other female he knows, he'll have to sneak behind your back. He should be straight with you and let you know that she's just a friend. Sneaking around is usually more of an indication that things aren't on the up and up. Or, it's cowardice! If your girlfriend is insecure about other women, what are you to do?
If he knows there is a rival between you and this other female, but insists on contacting her. Isn't that enough reason to ditch the guy? You don't believe he cares enough about you to remain faithful.
I don't like sneaks or snoops. So that means I can't be either. I want to be trusted, so I blindly trust my boyfriend. Evidence of wrongdoing tends to out itself. A cheater always slips. So because I love the guy, I'll trust him until he slips; and the crap floats to the surface. I'm not going to go digging for it. He's got gorgeous gay male friends, but I have too! So I'd be a hypocrite to be jealous.
You can address the issue, but it will only force him to go underground; and be more clever about hiding what he's doing.
So, kick him to the curb; and find yourself a new boyfriend.
Before you do that; learn how to trust without snooping. Ask the guy if he has a lot of female friends. If there are too many for your comfort; keep dating until you find a guy you feel you can trust. Make a few guy-friends along the way. You have to have balance.
I have gay and straight friends, married and single, plain and hot friends; rich and poor friends. If you have a diverse support-system of your own, you don't feel so insecure about who your partner's friends are.
Your partner will also feel a little more aware of the possibility of competition for your attention; and will regulate their own behavior to remain your priority. Knowing they aren't the center of your universe; they'll work harder to get there. They won't take you for granted. If you have no other male friends, and he's all you've got. That's your problem. Not his.
Otherwise; jealousy and insecurity kills relationships.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (2 March 2017):
 I hate to say it,snooping IS wrong- but the underlying reason for is not TRUSTING who you're with. Going through his phone is a breach of trust, but god gave us instinct and that instinct can lead you to these things.Everyone wants to feel secure in their relationship. Most if not all people have been in your shoes. Honestly, be strong and honest with yourself here. What you need to do is HONESTLY admit to him that you don't trust him as much ad you believe you should- that lead you to it. At the end of the day there's a reason why your gut id telling you not to trust him. That or you're too paranoid to be dating and should work on that.Speak to.him honestly. A good man will put your feelings before some random girl- it upsets you that he's speaking to a girl BEHIND your back, this is not deserving of your trust at the moment. If he gives you some BS reply, you're not satisfied with then seriously consider your relationship.Personally if someone went behind my back like this I would be PISSED off. I've had arguments due to him having a "best" female friend but I now know he loves me above any woman and is not the type to go BEHIND my back and lie. NO relationship can flourish without trust. Things will just rot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2017): The fact he did this shows his blatant disrespect for your feelings and your relationship.What he did was WRONG.He knows this other girl bothers you and out of loyalty to YOU and your relationship, he should have cut ties with her permanently. Not add her back on! Behind your back! This tells me he is interested in her. And he is talking to her without you knowing. It won't be long until he cheats with her physically, or he might even be doing that already.Sorry sweetie.He is up to no good. He is already cheating. At least emotionally. Cheating is anything you would do that your partner would not approve of if they were sitting right there watching. Do you think he is cheating already by that definition?He is not a good boyfriend. How could he be? He is not a good guy. He is selfish and putting his own needs ahead of yours. This is not a man who loves you. This is a man who loves HIMSELF.If it was me, I would just leave. He already crossed the line by adding her back on when you told him she was a threat. He already betrayed your trust. So, it is over.I am not sure how long you have been together, if things have been rocky lately? Or what else has been going on in your relationship? If anything? Of if he is just a first class asshole.But whichever way you look at it, it does not look good.
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (1 March 2017):
Totally agree with honey pie on all what she put . Can only advice that you start that convo asap . To me what he did was absolutely disrespectful and has no baring on your feelings
And please let us know how he will handle you adding guys who want more than friendship and if he doesn't change be glued to your phone to .
Plus your not petty at all
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 March 2017):
 Maybe you should act on it. But not by confronting him because THAT will get you nowhere.
If you actually SEE other women (or just this ONE in particular) as a "threat" to your relationship, maybe your relationship isn't as strong as you think it is.
If you bring it up, he will most likely turn it back on you. For snooping and being insecure. However, HE removed her once because he realized it wasn't helpful to the relationship, yet NOW he has chosen to add her back - so what does that tell you? HE was the one to contact HER. Why?
I would simply have a conversation with him about not being on the phones that you have noticed he seems glued to it now that he got a new one.
And then talk boundaries. How do you think he would feel if you added guys to your social circle - guys who might NOT really be looking to be your friend?
I also think you NEED to accept that you CAN NOT monitor his behavior and "make" him act like a decent BF, nor can you control who he talks to. If the conversations wit this woman is inappropriate then END it and walk away. DON'T think that snooping and confronting will change who he is.
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