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female
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anonymous
writes: 5 years ago I fell in love with someone and we had an affair for over 2 years and then left our partners, our partners never found out that we had an an affair. We then dated for about a year and then moved in together. Now he says he doesn't know if he ever wants to marry me and although he is 50 and I am in my late 30s says we should wait to have any children (we have 3 between us). Does this mean he doesn't love me?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (7 September 2006):
 Hard to say whether he loves you or not. But he obviously doesn't want more children now or ever (at least you're not childless). He may not want marriage for a lot of reasons other than he doesn't love you enough. You need to find those reasons out so you can decide what you need to do. Time for a nice long chat. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2006): i don't think it necessarily means that he doesn't love you. honestly, if i were married once, or in some type of committed relationship where i cheated and ran around with someone else for 2 years, i'd probably be a little hesitant to get into another committed relationship before i was 100% positive that's what i wanted. because the last thing you want to do is wind up doing the same thing again. maybe that's why he's holding out. not that he's planning on being unfaithful, but he just wants to be sure. also, one last little thing, and not to make you feel bad, but be careful if you plan on having children. once you hit the age of 35, there are serious health risks to you and your baby are at risk of. good luck.
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A
female
reader, joeymac +, writes (6 September 2006):
hun i know its hard but u need to leave him, your relationship was built on deceit to start with, by simply postponing the idea of children at 50 he is obviously not happy with the idea. if you want something that u honestly doubt hes going to give you, then move on its not too late you're still young honey, don't waste your time. good luck x
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (6 September 2006):
 The guy is missing something in his life. He believed he could fill the gap with young things like you. But what he lacks will never be fulfilled through this romantic relationship or the subsequent flings he will engage in - you are definitely not the last. This story is so common that it is a cliche.
Get out while you have some self-respect remaining, and learn to love yourself first so that you can choose to be with someone who can choose to commit 100% to you for life.
Good luck and take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2006): Sounds like the whole "taboo" and "excitement" of doing something "wrong" kept the heat up and now that it is not as "exciting" as it is monogamous.
He doesn't sound like a reliable guy. I mean, he did cheat on his wife with you; ever think that this is how he is in a long term/commited relationship?
It means he is too caught up in his own needs and himself to stop and consider another person; let alone someone he "loves".
Do you want marriage? Do you want more kids? Or do you want kids with him in hopes he will stay? It didn't work for his ex wife so why would it work for you?
Ever ask him full out what is going on? Has he cheated on his wife prior to you?
This man may just be a chronic cheater; does this for excitement as he feels empty. If this is the case; leave him ASAP.
But do try some couple's counselling if you feel this is going nowhere and prepare yourself.
Best Wishes.
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A
male
reader, Inspired +, writes (6 September 2006):
Dear friend,
He loves you but probably he also realizes that he had an earlier life as well. He is in a dilemma as to what will happen after he marries you. He is fighting with his own inner self to identify what exactly he should do. Give him some independent time and he should be able to find an answer.
~Inspired.
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