A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a loveless marriage for quite some time. I cannot say my conduct has been ideal. I had a fling a few years ago and I treated my husband badly. I was trapped, we were utterly incompatible people, counselling didnt help and all we did was fight. My husband forgave me when he found out about the fling but our marriage was forever marred. He is a very good man but there is pretty much nothing we have in common (I married really young and by the time I matured, I was a different person and so was he - we would fight till the cows came home about the dishes and the sink - it was that bad).A couple of years ago, I got closer to someone else I had known for a long time. He is everything I wanted. I was open with him and he was aware of everything I had done in my past. He had loved me for 7 years silently and just recently confessed he loves me. I am in love with him now and he with me. I told my husband I no longer loved him and apologized for making his life hellish (and by proxy mine) and moved out. The other man and I have progressed our relationship, are living together and generally life is good. My husband and I are discussing divorce and making the seperation legal. I feel guilty about everything but I do know what compatibility means now - for the first time, I feel physically attracted and happy - I never felt this with my husband. I hated the intimacy and pretended.The other man wants to marry me as soon as I am divorced - but I feel guilty. Almost like I dont deserve such a caring, wonderful, man. Please help :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): Ok, you were unhappy, made your hb’s life hell, blamed him for your unhappiness, found another man and had an affair while married. Yes, you have every reason to feel guilty. What you have done was not right and instead of destroying your hb’s life you should have released him. You selfishly made his life hell and you only threw him away when you found yourself another man. All you can do is ask for forgiveness and pray your new lover doesn’t end up destroying your life the way you have destroyed your hb’s. You have actually stolen years from your hb’s life. What is sad is this, you knew you did not love him but you used him all these years therefore the guilt is now catching up. But someone needs to give your hb the good news - he is now free from the adultery and now he can slowly heal and move on. It will take him time, perhaps never but at least he now has a chance to go find real love and happiness. Not someone who made his life hell. Your hb has a chance to actually live a beautiful life without someone destroying his soul. You actually emotionally abused him through the years , at least now he gets a chance, no matter how painful it is, to start his life again. One day he will see that life can and will be beautiful.
i hope that he can forgive you one day and not harbour the hatred in him right now. i also trust that you will remain faithful to your new man. you have cheated twice and may actually be unale to be in a monogamous relationship. so be careful of falling into old ways.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (4 December 2009):
Well I'm glad things are going well with your new partner. Just take it slow though, there's no need to rush from one to another. As for your husband, thankfully he adores your child, which is brilliant because it means that your child will have a great father.
Forgive yourself. You were unhappy, and feeling unloved, and now you have the chance to move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much Caring guy. The issue is this - I have a child. We are thinking of shared custody for the child (my current partner is more than happy for me to have our son with me all the time) but my husband loves the child SO MUCH.
I feel guilt because I met my current man while I was still married- i am not pardoning myself. But I want to move on :/
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 December 2009):
First of all, please be careful when you go with this other guy. You dont' want to jump from one marriage into antoher only for that one to go wrong as well. Take your time.
As for feeling guilty, you and your husband were young, and you've changed. Get over the guilt by allowing him to focus on his life (cut contact entirely) and making sure that your new relationship works out. You do deserve a wonderful, caring man. But make sure he is the right man.
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